One thing I like about LA is that I meet so many other people that question their life choices as much as I do. I’m pretty sure that there isn’t one person in LA that hasn’t considered killing themselves at one time or another. Not a day goes by that you don’t say to yourself, “What am I doing with my life?” I had dinner with a comedian friend the other night and he said he wishes that someone could just tell him what to do to make his life work. I think that’s called a Life coach. How do you become a life coach anyway? When do you start thinking your shit is so together that it’s time to start telling other people how to live their life? Pretty ballsy if you ask me.

I was watching that show “What Would You Do?” one night. Have you seen it? It’s where they make up scenarios of people doing something wrong to see if other people will step up and say something. I’m the perfect candidate for that show. I live to confront people who are making society worse. Anyway, this girl I knew from high school was on there, but not as one of the people in the scenarios, she was kind of a consultant for the show regarding that particular scene and her title was “Life Coach.”  I almost fell out of my chair.

I’m not gonna name her because I want to continue to make fun of her. So naturally I googled her and she wrote a book (not putting the exact title) about how to “get and keep a wonderful man.” I almost puked on my computer. Do I have to go into my diatribe about the women’s movement again? Are we so desperate as women that we have to write books on how to get and keep a man? I can’t even roll my eyes enough. And, not only is she a life coach, apparently she considers herself to be a dating and relationship coach too. She’s single by the way. I guess she forgot to read her book.

Back to the people in LA, I saw my neighbor the other day, and we were chatting about this and that. I told him I wanted to kill myself that day and he said, “you too, huh?” and we laughed because it’s like a running joke in this city. Everyone is on the verge of suicide all the time. My theory is  because a majority of the people in this city aren’t doing what they really want to be doing. When I go to other places, people seem nice and relatively content with their lives. But not in LA. Everyone seems angry and miserable and generally pissed off because they have to wait tables instead of being on TV, or they have to work as a customer service rep but they really want to be a rock star.

But it’s not just that, it’s all the waiting in line…and nothing makes me more suicidal than waiting in line.  Everywhere you go and everything you do involves waiting in some kind of line with a lot of unhappy people.  I think I’ve spent more time waiting in lines in this city than I have waiting tables…that’s A LOT of waiting. Nothing is easy in this city.

the worst thing about LA!!

NOTHING!! (except for accumulating parking tickets). I’m sure you’ve heard about the traffic in LA. It’s brutal and it gets worse every year. You basically have a two hour window where you probably won’t hit traffic….and that’s between 2 and 4am. What we need is another big earthquake to clear out some of the undesirables.

Now back to the coaching. You know how a major league team has a lot of coaches? In football, there’s the head coach, a defensive line coach, maybe an offensive line coach, I don’t really know, and maybe some other ones? That’s what I would like to have…a whole bunch of coaches; one for my personal life, one for my working life, one to explain football to me.

I'm wearing the helmet...

Do you ever threaten to kill yourself? I do all the time. I told my current boss that I was going to, and he said he’d help me. I told a former boss that I no longer had the will to live and he said, “I never thought you did anyway.” Obviously, they don’t take my threats seriously. Neither does my brother. Whenever I tell him  I’m gonna kill myself he says, “You ain’t got the guts.” And he’s right.

I just like to say it. It’s fun for me. And I also know that most of the city of Los Angeles is right there with me .  Have a wonderful day!