In the last few years, whenever they went from having 5 movies to 10 movies in this category, I think they’ve had to struggle to come up with them. Let’s face it, Hollywood barely makes 10 good movies a year, let alone 10 that are good enough to win an Oscar. But hey, I only saw two; The Help and Midnight in Paris. Maybe all of the movies are really great, and I’ll eventually see them  thanks to Netflix.

Isn’t going to the movies great and a total rip off at the same time? I love the whole experience of sitting in the dark, in a big theater with great sound, shoveling junk into my mouth until I feel sick…I love it! But it really is ridiculously expensive (14.00 in some theaters), which I don’t mind paying for when I love the movie. But nothing chaps my ass more than to pay that amount for the movie, plus the over-priced treats, and then the movie sucks.  Can you say “Hangover Part 2″?

1.) What is your Oscar prediction for “Best Picture”?

(Nominees: Hugo, The Artist, The Help, War Horse, The Tree of Life, Midnight in Paris, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Money Ball, War Horse and The Descendants)

I’m trying to decide between The Artist and The Descendants because those two won the Golden Globes. I could see Hollywood going with The Artist because it’s all “creative” being silent and what not. But Hollywood really loves their dramas, where someone like Clooney has to step up and deliver a “powerful, emotional” performance, which means he probably cries in it.  

I think I’ll go with The Descendants, and when I finally see it, it better be good and not depressing because if it depresses me, then I’ll get pissed and say it sucked and shouldn’t have won the Oscar.

2. ) Why do people like Harry Potter and Twilight?  (seriously)

Contest Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 2/25. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood – the Contest on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons. We do NOT want minors winning a prize)

2. You have to live in the United States because I think shipping internationally is a hassle.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies (most of them probably suck anyway)

Tomorrow I announce the winner!! Have a great Friday

there's the red carpet...OMG!!!

Well, I definitely couldn’t go without choosing “Best Original Screenplay” as one of the categories since, after all, any good film starts with the writing. I’ve also seen two of the movies in this category, and I loved them both. “Bridesmaids” was hilarious and I saw “Midnight in Paris” twice. I also want to try and squeeze in “The Artist” before Sunday, along with some more drinking.

1. Who is your Oscar prediction for “Best Original Screenplay”?

(Nominees: The Artist written by Michael Hazanavicius, Midnight in Paris written by Woody Allen, Margin Call written by J.C. Chandor, A Separation written by Asghar Farhadi and Bridesmaids written by Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig)

What’s with the weird names this year? Asghar Farhadi? He won’t win, his name sounds too much like a terrorist. Margin Call is another movie I haven’t heard of, so that can’t win. The Artist has a shot even though it’s a silent movie (so should that even be in the writing category?) I really want Bridesmaids to win, but it won’t, so I’ll go with Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris! (fun fact: Woody Allen has the most nominations of anyone in this category)

2. If you were to write an original screenplay about a bridesmaid that gets lost at midnight in Paris and meets an artist who just went through a separation after receiving a margin call from his investment broker, what would be the title of your film?  

Contest Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 2/25. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood – the Contest on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons. We do NOT want minors winning a prize)

2. You have to live in the United States because I think shipping internationally is a hassle.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies (most of them probably suck anyway)

HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY!!

I won't win the Oscar but look at me!

Now for “Best Actor!” Let me start by saying that I haven’t seen any of these performances, so all I know is that Brad Pitt won’t win. But his buddy, Clooney might. You know Hollywood…they love Miss Clooney!

I heard someone refer to him as that once and it stuck. There has been rumors about Clooney being gay, but no one really buys it. But hey, it’s Hollywood, you never know. No one thought Rock Hudson was gay either.

Everyone loves me!

Come out of the closet Clooney

1.) Who is your Oscar prediction for Best Actor? 

(Nominees: Brad Pitt for Moneyball, Gary Oldman for Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy, Jean Dujardin for The Artist, Demian Bichir for A Better Life and George Clooney for The Descendants)

Okay, I’ve never heard of Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy so Gary Oldman won’t win. The guy from the Artist probably has a shot since it’s a silent movie. Brad Pitt shouldn’t even bother showing up, and I have no idea who the other guy is, so I’m going with Miss Clooney.

2.) There have been rampant gay rumors in Hollywood surrounding John Travolta and Tom Cruise, who also happen to be Scientologists?  Do you think Scientology makes you gay? 

Put your answers in the comment section.

Now for some past “Best Actor” Winners…

Remember how ugly I was in "No Country for Old Men" .....

Does it get any better??

Get the butter....

You’re welcome ladies….

Contest Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 2/25. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood – the Contest on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons. We do NOT want minors winning a prize)

2. You have to live in the United States because I think shipping internationally is a hassle.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies (most of them probably suck anyway)

The prize is a surprise!

Stands for the fans!

More stands for more fans! They have guards so no creepy fans hide underneath

Okay, enough with the pictures. Let’s get to today’s category:

1. Who is your Oscar prediction for Best Actress?

(Nominees: Glenn Close for Albert Nobbs, Viola Davis for The Help , Rooney Mara for The Girl With the Dragon Tatoo, Meryl Streep for the Iron Lady, Michelle Williams for My Week with Marilyn)

Let me just say that I don’t think anyone has heard of Albert Nobbs so Glenn Close can’t win. Viola Davis was really good in The Help (this is the only performance I’ve seen so far), I don’t care about a Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, Michelle Williams and Meryl Streep won the Golden Globes, so I predict Meryl Streep for kickin’ ass as Margaret Thatcher (or is it Margaret Snatcher?)

2. Do you think if a girl has a Dragon Tattoo that it’s most likely a tramp stamp? Is Rooney Mara a tramp in real life?  And who is Rooney Mara anyway? 

Looks pretty trampy to me...

Put your answers in the comment section for your chance to win!!

Now for some past “Best Actress” Winners:

That is one GIANT pie hole!

Kathy Bates for Misery - One of my most coveted roles!

And my favorite hysterical speech of all time:

Help! I'm a wreck...

Unfortunately, I was unable to embed the video properly into this post, but just google Halle Berry’s Oscar speech for old time sake and a good  LOL!

Contest Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 2/25. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood – the Contest on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons. We do NOT want minors winning a prize)

2. You have to live in the United States because I think shipping internationally is a hassle.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies (most of them probably suck anyway)

HAVE ANOTHER GREAT DAY!

It just so happens that my 100th post is coinciding with Oscar week and I decided to celebrate by having an Oscar giveaway! I know you won’t be able to sleep tonight just thinking about it. The prize is going to be a Hollywood/Oscar related prize package and it’s going to be a surprise! But you’ll like it, so get excited! I will post what the prize is once the winner is chosen. Jesus Christ, you’re probably hyperventilating right now…

Here are the rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 2/25. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood – the Contest on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons. We do NOT want minors winning a prize)

2. You have to live in the United States because I think shipping internationally is a hassle.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies (most of them probably suck anyway)

Is that simple enough for you?

LET THE CONTEST BEGIN:

1. Who is your Oscar prediction for “Best Director?”

(nominees: Michale Hazanavicius for The Artist, Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris, Martin Scorcese for Hugo, Terrence Malick for The Tree of Life, Alexander Payne for The Descendants)

2. Why do you think Martin Scorsese doesn’t have his eyebrows trimmed down to a reasonable size?

every heard of tweezers Marty?

Have a great day! Be sure to leave your answers in the comment section!

I was watching that show “What Would You Do?” one night. Have you seen it? It’s where they make up scenarios of people doing something wrong to see if other people will step up and say something. I’m the perfect candidate for that show. I live to confront people who are making society worse. Anyway, this girl I knew from high school was on there, but not as one of the people in the scenarios, she was kind of a consultant for the show regarding that particular scene and her title was “Life Coach.”  I almost fell out of my chair.

I’m not gonna name her because I want to continue to make fun of her. So naturally I googled her and she wrote a book (not putting the exact title) about how to “get and keep a wonderful man.” I almost puked on my computer. Do I have to go into my diatribe about the women’s movement again? Are we so desperate as women that we have to write books on how to get and keep a man? I can’t even roll my eyes enough. And, not only is she a life coach, apparently she considers herself to be a dating and relationship coach too. She’s single by the way. I guess she forgot to read her book.

Back to the people in LA, I saw my neighbor the other day, and we were chatting about this and that. I told him I wanted to kill myself that day and he said, “you too, huh?” and we laughed because it’s like a running joke in this city. Everyone is on the verge of suicide all the time. My theory is  because a majority of the people in this city aren’t doing what they really want to be doing. When I go to other places, people seem nice and relatively content with their lives. But not in LA. Everyone seems angry and miserable and generally pissed off because they have to wait tables instead of being on TV, or they have to work as a customer service rep but they really want to be a rock star.

But it’s not just that, it’s all the waiting in line…and nothing makes me more suicidal than waiting in line.  Everywhere you go and everything you do involves waiting in some kind of line with a lot of unhappy people.  I think I’ve spent more time waiting in lines in this city than I have waiting tables…that’s A LOT of waiting. Nothing is easy in this city.

the worst thing about LA!!

NOTHING!! (except for accumulating parking tickets). I’m sure you’ve heard about the traffic in LA. It’s brutal and it gets worse every year. You basically have a two hour window where you probably won’t hit traffic….and that’s between 2 and 4am. What we need is another big earthquake to clear out some of the undesirables.

Now back to the coaching. You know how a major league team has a lot of coaches? In football, there’s the head coach, a defensive line coach, maybe an offensive line coach, I don’t really know, and maybe some other ones? That’s what I would like to have…a whole bunch of coaches; one for my personal life, one for my working life, one to explain football to me.

I'm wearing the helmet...

Do you ever threaten to kill yourself? I do all the time. I told my current boss that I was going to, and he said he’d help me. I told a former boss that I no longer had the will to live and he said, “I never thought you did anyway.” Obviously, they don’t take my threats seriously. Neither does my brother. Whenever I tell him  I’m gonna kill myself he says, “You ain’t got the guts.” And he’s right.

I just like to say it. It’s fun for me. And I also know that most of the city of Los Angeles is right there with me .  Have a wonderful day!

I have to be honest, when I heard the news, I wasn’t completely surprised because of all of the rumored drug abuse and erratic behavior in recent years, and yet, it was still shocking. I think if anyone dies before the age of 60 it’s too young to die, and I know a lot of fans still were holding out hope, including myself, that she would still make the comeback that we wanted and knew she was capable of.  It’s so tragic that she was unable to fulfill that hope.

I have a lot of comedian friends/acquaintances on Facebook and I was surprised and really disappointed with all the bad jokes that people made regarding her death. I love to make fun of celebrities when they’re alive, but once they die, it’s not funny anymore. In fact, it’s never funny when someone dies. Sure, the circumstances may be funny, even things that happen during the funeral or otherwise, but it’s not funny when anyone dies. It has a tremendous effect on family and friends and in Whitney’s case, fans around the world as well. So I’ve now written those people off as insensitive and stupid pricks. 

I admit that I watched some of “Being Bobby Brown” and it was funny to watch Whitney act crazy on the show or when she was interviewed and said “Crack is whack.” And yet, I also remember thinking at the time how sad it was that this was the same woman who blew it away with Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” or the other show stopper, “I Have Nothing “ because on the show, you could tell Whitney wasn’t “healthy.”

Remember her at her peak?? No one could touch that voice and it was just hit song after hit song. I remember taking a voice lesson with the famous vocal coach, Seth Riggs, who has taught a who’s who of Hollywood including Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Madonna (who obviously quit) and Faith Hill to name a few, and he told me to practice Whitney’s song “You Give Good Love” because of the difficulty of it, including the range and control. Yeah, I sounded like one of those losers at the first round of auditions at American Idol. It just makes me sad that someone blessed with a voice like that wastes it because of drugs. I would have given one of my less important toes or fingers to have a voice like that.

One thing I have in common with Whitney? My voice? Sadly, no, or I wouldn’t be writing a blog.  But both our mom’s name is Cissie/Cissy.

Regardless of whether or not you were a fan of her music, you can’t deny her talent, and it’s so sad to lose true talent, considering there doesn’t seem to be much of it these days. She really was a legend and it’s always sad to lose a person who had such a positive impact on something as important as music, especially when we lose them too soon. I’ve included two videos for you because I couldn’t decide. I cried a little bit as I watched them, remembering her at the top of her game.  Listen to the whole thing, truly amazing!  If you don’t’ get  chills, you are dead on the inside…

Oh Ben....please love me.

Here is where I’m conflicted; I love it when they cry. And all of them cry at least a few times during the season because they are competing for a guy named Ben who looks like a monkey, and all of them fall in love with him within minutes, and go to all kinds of desperate measures to win his affection, and then cry for various reasons when something doesn’t go their way.  And when I say cry, I mean sob.  They all seem neurotic, needy and clingy and of course, crazy, which makes for great TV. And I can’t help myself, I love the meltdowns. I can’t get enough. The louder the sobs, the louder my laughter.

sobbing in the corner on national TV...love it.

Anyone have a banana?

The problem is that I don’t think Susan B. Anthony or Elizabeth Cady Stanton would approve of this show or of me watching it. These Bachelor broads are a detriment to all women, and in my opinion, setting back the women’s movement with their desperate behavior, so I think we should kill them.

Back when Susan B. and ECS ( my nicknames for them) were travelling around speaking out for women’s rights, women weren’t even allowed to get divorced or ride bikes. I would really like to know why they weren’t allowed to ride bikes…probably because the men didn’t want them escaping. Women were no more than slaves at the time, and their

Those Bachelor girls are such sluts!

husbands were legally allowed to beat them. I never think you should hit a woman, but if anyone should be smacked around, it’s the girls on The Bachelor. I’m not saying men should be allowed to hit them, I’m saying, I should be allowed to hit them.

How can they allow themselves to sob like that on national TV while saying, “I just want him to like me and I just want to make him happy.”

Then kill yourself….and make us all happy. In fact, a mass suicide is what I’m hoping for. I’ll make the Kool-aid.

Too harsh? I don’t think so. Broads like that are keeping women from taking over the world. Well, broads like that and those Middle Eastern broads that need a couple of power lesbians to start a revolution over there. ECS was married with seven kids, and I’m pretty sure that Susan B. was the power lesbian of that couple (judging from her looks) but they were definitely BFFs. Every straight woman could use a power lesbian at her side, and a good gay for hair and makeup,which clearly ECS and Susan B. were lacking.

Hi, I'm the first power lesbian

Apparently, ECS would write all the speeches and Susan B. would go and deliver them to the masses since she wasn’t suckling seven children from her lesbian breasts. By the way, ECS and I have the same birthday…and so does Charles Manson.

So why am I watching The Bachelor when it goes against all I believe in for the advancement of women as a gender?

Because it makes me laugh….but for all the wrong reasons.

And why is this post short and relatively meaningless? Two reasons; the first one is because after an extended break to work on this blog and lay on the couch, I started doing stand-up again because I missed the excited, nervous, borderline diarrhea feeling I get before I go on stage. And doing stand-up takes time and concentration, two things I have very little of.  The other reason is because planning how to kill my boss takes a lot of energy…so this week the blog had to take a back seat to my live performance and kill plan. I apologize for that readers, you know how much I love you…or do you?

I will be talking much more about my job in my live act, mostly because if I were to give too many details, the blog could end up in front of the wrong eyes, if you know what I mean.

But I’m so happy its Friday. I hope everyone has a fun-filled weekend ahead of them. I have to go hard boil some eggs now so I can stink up my apartment. Did you ever wonder why hard-boiled eggs smell bad? Did you ever consider its because eggs come out of a chicken’s anus? I considered that, even though I’m still not sure where they come from. Do chickens have vaginas? Have a great weekend.

(P.S. I just googled it.  Chickens do NOT have vaginas, they have a CLOACA, which is disturbing in its own way)

No vagina here....

"Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses longing to haggle for funeral prices"

What he never considered is that they are from a haggling country, so when it came to funerals, it was no different. When they were haggling for prices during the funeral arrangements, my dad thought it was because they were so poor and couldn’t afford it. That was until they drove up to the funeral home in their Mercedes and brought in a lot of high-tech video equipment to tape the funeral, and then proceeded to throw money into a trash can and burn it. Oh yeah, apparently the Vietnamese have money to burn…literally.  Guess why they do this? So the dead person will have money to spend in the afterlife. Isn’t that ridiculous? I think the Vietnamese might wanna re-think that idea. If there is an afterlife, something tells me you’re not gonna need paper money.

When it came time for the funeral, they put a big vase full of sand next to the casket and burned tons of incense. It was so smoky that when you opened the front door to the funeral home, smoke billowed out like a scene from a Cheech and Chong movie.   

During the funeral my dad had to leave and pick up a death certificate. He came back to find all the furniture of the front lawn. Naturally baffled, he went up to the oldest family member (because age is a big respect thing in Asian culture) and asked what was going on. He said, “This our custom Mr. John.” My dad was someone who respected people’s culture and requests, so he allowed it, even though I know it bothered him because our house was very visible and it was about to turn into even more of a spectacle. As if it wasn’t bizarre enough already to have immigrants moving your furniture out of your house and onto the front lawn.

Meanwhile, inside they were throwing fruit into the casket and serving 7up in Dixie cups through clouds of incense smoke. I remember standing at the top of the steps looking down but you honestly couldn’t see much through the smoke, aside from people dressed in white robes. The Vietnamese wear white to funerals and chant because this is a Buddhist thing.

headbands?

They asked my dad to get them a metal trashcan and he obliged. They proceeded to take it out on the front porch, dressed in hooded white robes, threw money and pictures into the trash can and set it on fire while chanting the whole time.  My dad couldn’t believe what they were doing and discouraged them to burn money, but they responded, “This our custom Mr. John.”

This also happened at a time when the neighborhood was changing and some black people started to move in…and that’s when the phone calls started.

People in the neighborhood started calling the house asking what the hell was going on, was this some kind of KKK meeting? Understandably so, the only thing missing was the burning cross on the lawn that was replaced with furniture. My dad assured the neighbors that this was not a racist gathering but a custom of a Vietnamese funeral. Pissing off the neighbors was not something my dad wanted to do because let’s face it, everyone was eventually going to be potential business. The Irish Catholics being the main source of income.

Hi, is this a funeral or a KKK meeting?

They also threw money and fruit into the grave at the cemetery and again, my dad tried to discourage them…especially since he made no money on that funeral after all that haggling. But my dad was a smart business man, and he would kill me if he knew I was telling you this, but once he understood that haggling was just something they practiced, he knew that if he ever had another Vietnamese funeral, which he did, that he would have to raise the prices so that when they haggled down far enough, he would still make a profit. Like any other business, you’re in it to make money, so he learned that lesson the hard way. You know the saying…”Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”…let’s just say he only got fooled once.

After that funeral, having another one soon after, we had to open all the windows and doors and spray Lysol and all kinds of other air fresheners to get rid of the smoke and incense smell. Never a dull moment at the funeral home, as there was always plenty of stress and chaos to go around.  There were plenty of times that we had all hands on deck. One of us would be vacuuming, another one would be help setting up the flowers, my mom would be styling a dead ladies hair, someone would be sweeping and polishing the knobs and my dad would be barking out orders. Then we would get to go upstairs and have to be quiet for a few hours…yeah, fun times.

Speaking of that famous saying, I’ve included on of my favorite clips of our former genius president, George Bush.

I knew he had been in Vietnam, but wasn’t exactly sure what he did, so I asked him. In his words:

“I SPENT TWO YEARS IN THE ARMY, HAVING BEEN DRAFTED IN AUG. OF 1966. I WAS 23 YEARS OLD AND MARRIED AND OUT OF COLLEGE WHEN I WAS DRAFTED. IN JANUARY OF 1967 I HAD ORDERS TO VIETNAM. I WAS ASSIGNED TO THE 25TH INFANTRY DIVISION IN THE TOWN OF CU CHI, REPUBLIC OF VIETNAM. THIS WAS ABOUT 30 MILES NORTHWEST OF SAIGON UP NEAR THE CAMBODIAN BORDER. SINCE I WAS A LICENSED FUNERAL DIRECTOR (HAVING JUST GOTTEN MY LICENSE) THEY PUT ME IN A GRAVES REGISTRATION PLATOON. GRAVES REGISTRATION IS THE MORTUARY BRANCH OF THE ARMY, “GR” FOR SHORT. OUR RESPONSIBILTY WAS TO RECOVER, IDENTIFY AND ESCORT DOWN TO THE U.S. GOVERMENT MORTUARY OUTSIDE OF SAIGON, ALL U.S. PERSONEL WHO DIED IN OUT SECTOR. WE WERE A FORWARD COLLECTION POINT OUT IN THE BOON DOCKS. WE HANDLED OVER 800 US TROOPS WHILE I WAS THERE , WE ALSO HANDLED NON US DEATHS ALSO, BOTH CIVILIAN AND ENEMY TROOPS. I WAS THERE FOR A YEAR.

IN GRAVES REGISTRATION WE TRIED TO ID REMAINS BY VISUAL OBSERVATION FROM MEMBERS OF THEIR UNIT. IF THAT WASN’T POSSIBLE, WE HAD TO RELY ON FINGER PRINTS, AND IN A LOT OF CASES WE WOULD JUST GET A ROSTER REPORT FROM THEIR UNIT AND FIND OUT WHO WAS MISSING.THEN WE WOULD GET THE MAN’S MEDICAL RECORDS AND SEND THEM WITH THE REMAINS TO THE ARMY MORTUARY IN SAIGON , THEY WOULD DO BLOOD WORK AND CHECK FINGER PRINTS. THEY ALSO HAD ANTHROPOLIGISTS ON STAFF AND THEY WOULD LOOK INTO BODY STRUCTURE AND SO FORTH. ALSO EVERY G.I. IS SUPPOSE TO WEAR DOG TAGS, PLUS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WRITE YOUR NAME ON ALL YOUR ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, INCLUDING BOOTS. SOMETIMES IT TOOK A FEW DAYS TO GET A ID REPORT.  WE DID NOT HAVE REFRIGERATION WHERE WE WERE, SO WE USUALLY GOT THEM TO SAIGON WITH-IN 24 HRS.”

You see what I mean? If you have seen dead bodies from war, how much worse can it get? After that, a regular old dead person would probably seem like nothing.  I have major respect for him.

Knowing my dad’s motivation for getting into the strange funeral business, I asked Mr. Fatz what his motivation was for it. It turns out that his mom lived in a funeral home when she was growing up and both his grandfather and great-grandfather were undertakers too, so it was always of interest to him.

One of my stand-out memories of Mr. Fatz involves him embalming a body. He was in the morgue and I went down the basement looking for my dad. When you walked down the steps, you couldn’t automatically see into the morgue, you would have to go all the way down and turn right to see what was happening, which I would rarely do. I would usually just stand on the steps, where my dad would dress the bodies. When we were little, he would never let us see the bodies naked. It wasn’t until we were older that he allowed us to see them before they were dressed, but trust me, if you’ve seen one old dead naked person, you’ve seen em’ all and it’s not something you want to see anyway.

So this one time, I called out for my dad and Mr. Fatz said, “He’s not down here,” and I said “okay” and started to walk back up the stairs. Mr. Fatz said, “Wait, Celeste come here.” Now, I was a teenager by this point, so I was well aware of his sense of humor, and was somewhat trepidatious about going back downstairs but I was also curious as to why he would tell me to come back down, so I did. I turned the corner and looked into the morgue to see a body missing half a leg, and the part of the leg that was still there looked like it had been chewed off or something. It was a sight from a horror movie and I had the appropriate reaction, which was one of shock and disgust. The funny part is that Mr. Fatz did that for his own amusement because he knew what my reaction would be. He started laughing as I quickly ran up the stairs saying “That wasn’t funny,” but of course, it was.

I went and told my siblings who also thought it was funny.

When I asked him to tell me some things  he remembered while was working in our house, he wrote me the following:

“HERE’S ANOTHER LITTLE DARK STORY FROM THE LIFE OF THE J.P. DONOHUE FUNERAL HOME.

MANY YEARS AGO , PROBABLY BACK IN THE 1980′S WHEN YOUR PARENTS HAD GONE TO MAINE, I WAS COVERING AND I RECEIVED A CALL FROM THE ANSWERING SERVICE THAT THE CALLER WANTED TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER. I RETURNED THE CALL. THE PERSON WHO I STARTED TO TALK TO HAD MET YOUR MOTHER A NUMBER OF YEARS BEFORE WHEN SHE WAS A NURSE IN THE ACCIDENT WARD OF FITZGERALD MERCY HOSPITAL.  HE TOLD ME HIS NAME, WHICH I HAVE FORGOTTEN, MAYBE YOUR MOTHER CAN REMEMBER, BUT HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE IN A LITTLE WHILE BUT HE WANTED TO TALK TO CISSIE. I EXPLAINED THAT I COULDN’T GET AHOLD OF HER. I THEN PROCEEDED TO TALK TO THE GUY FOR THE NEXT 2 HOURS TRYING TO TALK HIM OUT OF KILLING HIMSELF. WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HIM I HAD MY WIFE CALL THE DARBY POLICE ON OUR OTHER PHONE AND TELL THEM WHAT WAS HAPPENING. THE POLICE SAID THEY COULD DO NOTHING UNTIL HE ACTUALLY KILLED HIMSELF. SO MUCH FOR THE POLICE. I FINALLY DID CONVINCE HIM NOT TO DO IT.

UNFORTUNATELY ABOUT A YEAR OR TWO LATER HE DID KILL HIMSELF BY JUMPING OFF THE DANNAHOWER BRIDGE IN NORRISTOWN, PA. AND WE DID BURY HIM. WITH A FUNERAL HOME YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO GET. THE FULL MOON BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE.”

I would really like to thank Mr. John Fatz for his stories. My whole family has always loved him and my dad and he had an excellent working relationship for many years.

Well, I hope my little blog is shedding some light on the lives of funeral directors because like I said before, it takes a special kind of person to do that job.

By the way, I ordered Chinese food for dinner last night. If you read the previous blog, you understand why that might be a little surprising.