Where we lived during the 1994 earthquake….

We were living in Hollywood at the time and it was in the middle of the night. I know I’ve slept through earthquakes, but there was no way anyone was sleeping through this one. I don’t know if it was the movement or the noise that woke me up because the sound of an earthquake is really crazy. It’s like you literally hear the earth moving, it’s a really loud rumbling sound, and that’s combined with the sound of things falling, crashing and breaking. Then of course, there’s the shaking, which is just incredible! You can’t believe what you’re seeing. It’s so bizarre to just watch things shaking and crashing and knowing that the power of it is moving entire buildings. It’s truly awesome! And by the way, that’s what awesome really is…something like an earthquake or a tsunami…something that inspires awe…not a video game or a pair of shoes you got on sale. Sorry, I know everyone says awesome, and it’s completely acceptable now, but I just hate it and I won’t say it unless I use it in the proper context.

However, there are some food items I would consider awesome….like cheese steaks.

Back to the earthquake. I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room where my brother was and watched a few things crash to the ground like the TV, my keyboard (that I never really mastered and sold in my yard sale), the VCR player (that’s right VCR…1994), but not one dish or glass broke! The power went out all over the city and I was really tempted to go looting for a new VCR player, but instead, my friend David who lived across the street, came over with a box of donuts. It’s so strange that in the midst of all this craziness and pandemonium, a little Asian donut shop at the end of our street was open and doing business. Thank god for that because how are you supposed to survive an earthquake without a donut?

The Valley got the worst of it. The epicenter was in Northridge, and although it only lasted 10-20 seconds, it measured a 6.7 and “the ground acceleration was one of the highest ever instrumentally recorded in an urban area in North America.” The damage was an estimated $20 billion. It was quite an experience and I keep waiting for another big one. Whenever I feel a small one, I kind of brace myself to see if it’s gonna get bigger, and when it doesn’t I usually feel relieved and disappointed at the same time….just like after sex.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Natural disasters are really unbelievable, but at least some of them are predictable. No one can predict earthquakes which is one reason why they’re so crazy. You never know when they’re gonna hit. Sometimes when I’m driving on the freeway I think about an earthquake hitting and imagine the freeway breaking in half and plummeting to my death trapped in a little car and being buried under the rubble, but I just don’t think that’s how I’m gonna die. If anything, some gang banger will shoot me on the freeway because of my road rage.

Anyway, this will be my only blog this week because I started a new job and I have to concentrate, which is hard for me. But here’s something fun; I met my boss’s boss over the phone and he “welcomed me aboard.” Oh god!  I hate being welcomed aboard unless I’m actually on a boat. My boss told him I was from Philly, Upper Darby to be exact and it turns out the boss’s boss is from Broomall, not too far from there. I said “Maybe you’re familiar with Donohue funeral homes.” His response, “My dad was buried there.”

What can I say? The Donohue family name is big in the funeral business. Why? Because we’re good at death . Small world. I told him those were my uncles/cousins who handled his dad’s funeral, but most people in the Philly area are familiar with the Donohue funeral homes. Maybe it has something to do with them advertising on the back of city buses.

My dad wouldn’t have chosen that method of advertising, but you gotta admit, it’s hard to miss. My friend, Meg, took this picture for me. She and I went to the Journey concert together when we were 15 (just a little friendship fun fact for you)

Have a great day and welcome aboard!

I haven’t told you a funeral story for a couple of weeks and this is a family favorite. As I mentioned in a previous post, Italian funerals were typically dramatic and on the occasion that something especially interesting happened, it served as a source of entertainment for the family. What do you expect? We were usually trapped upstairs in silence, so we had to find something to entertain us, and if it happened to be what was going on at the funeral, then so be it. Again, I will reiterate that we didn’t laugh because we were being insensitive, we laughed because sometimes it was just funny.

this is supposed to be a broken heart….dramatic?

We usually could get an idea of what type of funeral it was going to be just from the kind of flower arrangements that would be delivered. Italians love elaborate funeral flower displays. For example, one time there was a large square display made completely of white carnations, but in the center were a bunch of roses made into the shape of a giant heart with the dead person’s picture in the middle of it. Another time, there was a flower arrangement that was about four feet tall and made into the shape of a big cross with roses that spelled out “R.I.P. MOTHER.” These types of gaudy flower arrangements were sometimes a tip off that some drama might ensue, which we hoped for. Sometimes someone would start sobbing and attract attention or as in the other story I told you, grab the corpse and start yelling, “Ma! Who’s gonna cook me peppers and eggs on Sunday?

eh…I’ve seen bigger.

This particular funeral started out very quietly as most Italian funerals do. Everyone was dressed in black, milling about and offering the family their condolences. My family, aside from my dad, was upstairs watching TV at a ridiculously low volume when we heard music coming from downstairs. Most people don’t play music at funerals so this immediately caught our attention. One at a time, we tip-toed to the top of the stairs and positioned ourselves at an angle where we could see the action but still remain relatively hidden, which is not an easy task by the way. Most times, we’d have to peak and quickly pull back so no one would see us.

funerals suck!

As the music continued to play we heard a woman’s voice say, “C’mon Carmela, get up and dance for grandma. C’mon Carmela, get up!”  From what we could see, Carmela was about eight years old and dressed up in a full-on ballet costume as if she were at her dance recital, she was even wearing a tutu. Carmela looked at her mom, the one who was coaxing her and who also looked like one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and shook her head as if she didn’t want to do it, and can you blame her? Would you want to hold a performance in front of a casket, and everyone in the audience is crying? Granted, that would have been easy for me. I was used to it.

DANCE FOR GRANDMA OR I’LL FLIP THIS TABLE OVA!

Carmela reluctantly got up up and was whimpering while her mother continued, “Carmela, dance for grandma, she would love that. Grandma loved it when you danced. Do a spin Carmela, do your steps.” Poor Carmela is awkwardly and very half-heartedly doing beginner ballet steps in front of her dead grandmother while the crowd looked on in… confusion, was it?  Carmela’s hating every second of it and we’re at the top of the stairs holding our laughter in as much as we could so we could continue to watch the show. The mother started crying and Carmela kept looking over at her mother as if to say, “how long do I have to do this?” Meanwhile, the song was still playing and the music sounded as if it was being played by a kid who was taking piano lessons, and it was coming from a little portable tape recorder that was on a chair.  Maybe Carmela was the musician as well as the ballerina.

Finally, the song ended and I guess no one clapped because it was a funeral and not a dance recital? Carmela sat down with a look of relief on her face while her mother continued to cry. We waited for a minute or two to see if anyone else was performing, but unfortunately, Carmela was a solo act.

After the funeral was over, my dad came upstairs and we couldn’t wait to hear what else we missed. He told us that someone was passing out canoli and then put one in the casket for Grandma! Of course, it stayed there until the end of the night, and when the family left, my dad took the canoli out of the casket and ate it.  J/K   (that’s web lingo for “just kidding,” old people who are reading)

Have you ever danced at a funeral? Did you wear a tutu? Would you eat a canoli out of a casket?

I have to say that when it comes to funerals, I think the Irish do it right. They believe in throwing a party and celebrating the life of the dead person. Does that mean a lot of people show up drunk to the funeral? Sure, but  that makes it a little more fun. Although, I admit I would love for canoli to be passed out at a funeral and there’s no way I would allow one to be wasted on the dead person.

Have a beautiful day!

“Leave the gun. Take the canoli.”  

Sorry for the lack of posts this week, I’ve been preparing for my yard sale tomorrow that won’t be in yard, but on a corner, at an intersection. I love having yard sales, although kind of a pain in the ass, I love getting rid of stuff and selling my crap to others. It’s the perfect time because the weather has been so nice, but I know summer is just around the corner and you know what that means? A lot of freakin’ maintenance is what it means.

More shaving, more pedicures, self-tanning, self-starving. I don’t like summer, it’s too much work and I despise hot weather.  In fact, the ONLY thing I like about summer is swimming, except my building doesn’t have a pool, which means if I want to go swimming, I have to go to a public pool and swim in other people’s pee. But I guess my hatred for the hot weather is more than my hatred of swimming in pee, so I do it. I go to the public pool. It’s a nice Olympic size pool and they rope off lanes to do laps in the deep end, which I believe is a little further away than most of the pee in the shallow end where the kids are. At least that’s what I tell myself.

You might ask, “You live in Southern California, why don’t you just go swimming at the beach?” Because the ocean is filthy. A couple years ago, 100,000 people got sick over the course of the summer from swimming in the water off the beaches of Socal. They got gastrointestinal ailments, which most likely means diarrhea. No thanks! I can get that without swimming in the ocean.

The beach is only good if you want to lay in the sun. Don’t get me wrong, if I lived closer, I’d be at the beach all the time, but it’s such a  hassle to get from the Valley to the West side that it becomes a special occasion to go to the beach. I used to love to lay in the sun until I was burnt to a crisp. As a teenager and young adult, I’d lay there for hours until I looked like this:

We’ve all seen her by now, right?

this is the best one….in case you were wondering

Anyway, I wear sun block now and use self tanner because I can’t bear summer without a tan, but we all know we’ll get cancer and our skin will fall off if we stay in the sun for longer than 10 minutes at a time.

Don’t you find it ironic that white people love to be tan and try to get their skin darker to the point of tanning booths and spraying it on, and yet black people have suffered at the hands of white people for years just because their skin is darker? I always found that so interesting. Racism is clearly idiotic.

Anyway, back to the maintenance. I’m so jealous that men don’t have to do the same kinds of things that women do to look their best. No shaving, no foot care (why don’t men take care of their feet?), they don’t have to wear makeup or fix their hair or use toilet seat covers, not to mention the obvious reasons like periods and babies. And to prove that being a woman is much more challenging (to say the least), just ask one man if he would rather be a woman than a man….and there’s your proof.

Side note: I think it should be a law that men have to have a pedicure four times a year.

I would love to be a guy, aside from the penis and balls.  But that’s just an outsider looking in, what do I know? Luckily I don’t have that package to deal with. I got my own problems…like faking my tan.

I hope all of you have a splendid weekend !

I almost forgot…. I watched the premiere of The Bachelorette the other night, and at the end of the show, four guys were eliminated (I think it was four). Anyway, one of them CRIED!  You know how I love when reality contestants cry. And of course, he cried because he was hoping to find true love with this broad he met for 10 minutes. WOULDN’T YOU CRY TOO????

Let’s start with the simple questions: Were you breast fed, and were you old enough to remember suckling your mom’s teat? For chrissake, I hope not. Let me start by saying I have nothing against breast feeding, after all, that’s what are boobs are for. Well, that and getting men to pay attention to you….

Just kidding, you know that right? Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton would bitch slap me for that.

I also have no problem with women breast feeding in public, provided they’re discreet about it, but being on the cover of Time magazine while your kid is looking right at the camera is not exactly what I call discretion. At least pull a Michael Jackson and put a decorative, costume party mask on him so he’s not immediately recognizable, and so that when he reaches school age, the other kids don’t point and say “Hey, that’s the kid that was on the cover of Time with his mom’s tit in his mouth.”  Good luck kid! Poor thing.

Look, we all know that men like to breast feed their whole life, but don’t you think they should take a break from it between say, the ages of 1 and 16? And when they pick it back up in their teens, hopefully it’s with another teenager and not their mom.

You know what else? I’m tired of the whole “super mom” attitude, as if being a mother is the most important thing in the world and that childbirth is a “miracle.” Just for the record, this is the definition of a miracle: “an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.”

Granted, pushing another human being out of your vagina is definitely not an easy task I’m sure, but it’s not a freakin’ miracle.

IF CHILDBIRTH WAS A MIRACLE, THE WORLD WOULDN’T BE OVERPOPULATED!  Get it? If childbirth was miraculous, I don’t think we’d need Plan B.

Anyway, I named this post “SUCK IT” and it just so happens to coincide with my last day at a job that I don’t like. I would love to yell “SUCK IT” as I walk out the door for the last time, but I’m afraid someone might take it literally and pull my shirt off and just start suckling.

Just one question; when this kid grows up, do you think he’ll be a boob or an ass man?

I have to go eat my cereal now….TODAY IS FREEDOM FRIDAY FOR ME!! Let’s celebrate and I hope you have a great weekend.

p.s. suck it!

Let’s start with the judges:

Jennifer Lopez – should she really be judging a singing show? Aside from being pretty and having a good body, I forgot what her talent is. Oh wait, her ass is her talent, that’s right. Her laugh is really annoying and she tells everyone they’re great, even if they suck. But then again, that’s probably what people do to her. Then there’s Randy “dog” Jackson. Yes, he’s a musician, he used to be Mariah Carey’s musical director, but between calling everyone “dude, dog,” and saying “yo” every four seconds , he hasn’t earned my respect as a judge or as a human being. And don’t get me started on Steven Tyler. After being the lead singer of Aerosmith and then becoming a judge on American Idol is a whole other level of confusion for me. How can he sleep at night? How did he go from singing classics like “Dream On” and “Last Child” to telling glorified karaoke stars how moved he is watching them wreck a classic rock song? It kills me. Mick Jagger wouldn’t never do that, and if he did, I’d kill myself.

Although I don’t watch American Idol on a regular basis, I’ll tune in from time to time just to hate it. I miss Simon Cowell (kinda). Sure, he was a dick, but at least he didn’t go easy on those little bitches and I agreed with him most of the time. But he is one of the creators of the show, so that’s a problem right there, and now he’s moved on to the X Factor, which I’ve seen twice and was also consumed with hatred.

I’m just not impressed with the level of talent on these shows. I’m not easily impressed by someone who can just sing someone’s else’s song well. What about the writing? What about playing an instrument? What about performance skills? What about sweating it out in clubs? What about paying your dues? You know why so many music acts suck now? Because of computers. No one really has to play an instrument, and no one has to be a good singer thanks to auto-tuning. As far as I’m considered, you’re nothing until you’ve played at some dive bar in Reseda to five drunk people and one of them keeps yelling at you  to sing “Freebird.”

And I’m not saying that there’s NO talent on these shows, but I really do see it as a form of karaoke but with a band and backup singers. I think I’m predicting the black guy, Joshua Ledet to win, and that was my prediction when I saw it a few weeks ago. He goes nuts when he sings and people love that shit. But that little Mexican/Asian (I’m still unsure of her ethnicity) is really good for a 16 year old, so maybe I’m predicting her. Actually, forget the predictions, I don’t care who wins because I hate the show. Did I mention that?  The other guy is a wannabe Dave Matthews and the little blonde bores me. I’m yawning right now just thinking about it.

Leave the money on the night stand

Another spectacle is The Voice: the show where you can be ugly and still get a shot singing on national TV. I could probably just leave it at that, but again, I’m not impressed with what I’ve seen so far. It’s all forgettable as far as I’m concerned and why does Christina Aguilera always look like a hooker? Adam Levine is a flaming metrosexual and C. Lo Green just annoys me for no good reason. And who the hell is Blake Shelton? I know he’s some country singer and that’s why he doesn’t matter.

I want these singing shows that showcase mediocrity to die and instead, they just keep making new ones. There’s a new one coming out called “Duets”, where the judges are also part of the competition. OMG! Can we contain our excitement? Did you just pee a little? I can’t roll my eyes enough. But I’ll tune in just to hate it.

The highest level of talent on any reality talent is the show “So You Think You Can Dance.” If you can get past the super gay show title and the really annoying judges and choreographers, and focus just on the talent, it’s the best of any reality talent show on TV. But the reason I think American Idol is more popular is that everyone has sang karaoke and pictured themselves as a rock star or at least a bad lounge act, but you can’t really do that as a dancer. There’s no dance karaoke. So my point is; that is the only reality talent show that I support….well, and The Biggest Loser because I consider the ability to lose weight, real talent.

I just remembered that The Bachelorette is coming back on soon, but that’s not as fun to watch as The Bachelor because the men don’t cry, they’re just really dumb and awkward and that’s not as fun to watch as desperate girls crying and begging.

can’t you see that I’m hurting??

I’ve never seen Survivor, the Amazing Race or any of those types of reality shows. I actually hate reality TV. I wonder how many times I’ve said “hate” so far?  You know what else I hate? When you say you hate something and someone says “hate is a strong word”. Hello? That’s why I use it. If I’m gonna not like something, I’m not gonna do it half-assed, I’m gonna hate it….just the way I hate peas and leaf blowers.

By the way, I was planning on telling you a funeral related story since I haven’t told you one in awhile, but that plan was high jacked thanks to stupid American Idol. Perhaps I’ll write on for you tomorrow, which also happens to be my last day at a job I hate. Let the celebration begin!!

Today is thirsty Thursday, so I expect all of you to be drinking by noon. Have a great day!

But prescription drugs are another thing altogether. Everyone has seen the endless commercials pushing drug after drug with the horrid side effects that sound worse than the ailment the drug is for. Sure, you might be bleeding out of your ass, but at least your Fibromyalgia isn’t flaring up today!  I’m currently reading a book called Confessions of an RX Drug Pusher by Gwen Olsen. She worked in the pharmaceutical industry for 15 years selling drugs, and the information about some of these drugs is staggering. I highly recommend it. The book that is, not the drugs.

My mom also forwarded me an article yesterday about how the number of babies born addicted to pain killers has tripled in the last ten years. Can someone explain to me why doctors are handing out prescription medication like candy?  (here is the article if you’re interested: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-04-29/durg-addicted-painkller-babies/54646654/1)

If the government, pharmaceutical industry and doctors are all making money off the country’s drug addiction, and we know they are, could it be they have us right where they want us? If we’re in so much pain and so depressed, how the hell is anything going to get better, and if we’re all addicted to highly dangerous drugs, how could we possibly change anything? How many productive drug addicts do you know? 

Of course, our taxes are paying for the care of these babies and their drug addicted mothers, and who takes our taxes? We all know the answer to that.

I understand that human beings will always want to change their state of consciousness because life sucks sometimes, hence the need and love of drugs and alcohol, but are we so miserable and unhappy with our lives that so many of us have become addicted to pain killers and anti-depressants? Not to mention that now these drugs are so easy to get, thanks to the doctors, and people are mixing the medications and dying. Just ask Heath Ledger or Whitney Houston.

Oh, oops, you can’t ask them, they’re dead.

I know that there are benefits that can come from taking some of these drugs for brief periods. I’ve taken vicodin and I loved how it took my pain away, so I can see how people could get addicted to the feeling, but isn’t anyone concerned with what these drugs do to your central nervous system? It’s bad news people, especially after you take them for awhile.

It’s something to think about. These drugs are not the innocent mother’s little helper of the 70s, We have a prescription drug epidemic, my friends, and it ain’t pretty. I also believe now more than ever that the drugs my dad took for his varied ailments after he retired played a huge part in his death. It started with an anti-depressant and snowballed into a whole bunch of other drugs until he was addicted, and over time, the drugs destroyed his body.

Oops, didn’t mean to get all dark on you, but I’m being honest. I think we are way too willing to pop a pill in lieu of figuring out the real cause of our problems. God forbid, we actually feel some pain and misery….or feel at all.

I could go on and on about the dangers of prescription drugs but I really have to get back to judging people on Facebook.

Just a thought; put down the pills, eat healthy food, exercise, get some therapy and smoke a joint….and have a great day!

But watch this first:

What do you do when you get bored? My mother and I had a conversation about boredom the other day. Do you eat when you’re bored? Sometimes I do…and I think we all know how boring it gets on the treadmill.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Seriously though, I am rarely bored and if I get bored, I do something about it. For example, a couple of weeks ago on a Saturday, I had nothing planned for that night and I was talking to my mom and somehow Bingo came up in the conversation. I said, “I love Bingo and I bet I could find place in North Hollywood that has Bingo!” and sure enough, I did.

I almost didn’t go because I looked up where the Bingo hall was and it’s in a deep and disgusting part of the Valley, lucky for me, only about 15 minutes from where I live. But I decided to go anyway and I went alone because since it was at the last minute, I figured if I asked any of my friends if they wanted to go play some spur of the moment Bingo, they would say, “When did you turn 80?”

Keep in mind, I haven’t played Bingo since I was a kid at the church family Bingo night. Remember those? Back when you played with one little card and winning Bingo was getting the pattern that went down, across or on a diagonal. I found out the hard way that’s child’s play to serious Bingo players.

Since I had never gone before, I called in advance to find out how much it would cost. The guy on the phone asked me if I was playing for $250 or $500. I said I wasn’t sure. He told me to bring $22.00, twenty for Bingo and two for the cash bowl…whatever that was. I’m still not sure but I know I didn’t win.

It was like this! Wouldn't you be nervous?

I got there and it was a giant hall where all they do is play Bingo six nights a week. There are two big rooms with lots of long tables lined up and a lot of people were already sitting down playing something. There was a lot more than Bingo going on there too, but I don’t know what.   I got in line and when I got up to the cashier he asked me what I was playing. I said “Bingo” and he said, how much do you want? I was already confused, so I told him it was my first time there and the guy on the phone told me to bring $22.00. Then he looked confused. I said, “The guy on the phone told me to bring $20.00 for Bingo and $2 for something else. He said, “The cash bowl?” I said, “Yeah, that’s it.” Then he asked me if I wanted to play the Early Bird Bingo and I said, “sure,” then he asked me if I wanted to play the intermission Bingo and I said, “sure” again. He said my total was $30. I found out when I sat down and looked at my receipt that the Early bird and intermission Bingo cost me an extra $8. Oh well, I figured I’d jump right in, the more Bingo the better!

I was looking around to find a good place to sit but was more interested in the people, since they all looked like they just got out of jail or rehab the day before. It was some crowd. I finally settled next to two relatively normal looking older ladies. I asked them a question and they answered me in a heavy Russian accent, at least I think it was Russian. Who knows, who cares? All I knew was that they wouldn’t be of much help if I couldn’t understand them. So I moved down the table a few chairs and sat next to a couple of ladies who were probably in their 70’s. I told them it was my first time there and they took me under their Bingo wings.

This is what I was playing. My mentors were playing 5 of these at once

First of all, on one sheet, there are six Bingo games, so at the very least you play six games at one time. This took a lot of concentration on my part. Meanwhile, the two professional Bingo players next to me were playing five sheets at a time, which means they were playing 30 games of Bingo at once! Holy crap! I asked them how they did it and one of the ladies said, “It’s conditioning.” Like she was an athlete. Serious Bingo also goes way beyond the simple, down, across, diagonal patterns. You can get Bingo if you have six in a corner or four in a block with two on a diagonal, sometimes you can use the free space, sometimes you can’t, you can get just the corners, or you can get a T or an L or a cross shape, but you have to get these patterns on at least three games on the sheet to win. It actually became somewhat stressful since I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I was so afraid I might win and not know it. What happened to the simple Bingo of my youth? I was playing with the pros now, this was the big time.

In between the numbers being called, I was torn between paying attention to the game and people watching. Let me tell you something, these people are in it to win it. They are serious Bingo players and they are not friendly people, not to mention that they are probably playing to pay off drug debts or loan sharks or some other unsavory activities. They all looked like 2-pack a day smokers and when there was a 10 minute smoke break, the place practically cleared out as I sat there wondering what the hell I was doing on a Saturday night at a Bingo hall in the Valley.

But the ladies next to me were nice and one of them won! She yelled Bingo, scared the shit out of me, and ended up winning $250. I was happy for her, especially since she was so skilled. After three hours I was bored, and they don’t serve alcohol so I really started to lose interest. Apparently, most of the people play for five and half hours but there was no way I could take two and half more hours of stressful Bingo, weird people and no booze. When I told my Bingo mentors that I was leaving, they looked at me like I was crazy. “How can you possibly leave Bingo after only three hours?” is what their faces were saying. I didn’t want to tell them I was bored, because people who actually have “Bingo bags” with Bingo supplies in them do not find Bingo boring.  I guess I don’t have to tell you that I didn’t win. I really wanted to because after all, like the saying goes, “Happiness is yelling Bingo!”

Fun fact: Bingo was originally called Beano because they would put beans on the numbers. Then one night way back in 1929, a woman got all excited and yelled Bingo instead of Beano. There happened to be a salesman at the carnival, who took the idea, ran with it, and hired a Columbia University math professor, Carl Leffler, to help him increase the number of combinations in bingo cards. By 1930, Leffler had invented 6,000 different bingo cards. [It is said that Leffler then went insane.]

So that was my Bingo night; not quite the relaxing experience I hoped it would be.  I would consider going again if I could rope a friend into going with me, but I think I’d have to smuggle some booze in my purse. Bingo definitely should not be played sober, unless of course, you just got out of rehab like the people I was playing with.

I hope your weekend isn’t so boring that you randomly decide to hunt down a Bingo hall, but if  you do, remember it’s a serious game where you can win serious money, and at the very least give you the opportunity to observe some very interesting people.

Have a great weekend!  BINGO!

I apologize for my complete lack of blogs this week but on Sunday I had a sore throat and by Tuesday it had turned into a full-blown cold so I haven’t been feeling well at all, but having a full-blown cold is still a lot better than having full-blown aids.

You know, I always found it odd that people refer to it as “full-blown aids.” Why not just aids? It’s not like you ever hear someone say they have half-blown aids, and you never hear anyone say they have full blown cancer or full blown diabetes. Right? I’m just wondering…or maybe people do say that and I just don’t know those people and their full-blown diseases. By the way, I’m not making fun of anyone who has full-blown anything, unless they have a full-blown dual pump system which is something I heard a grease monkey brag about once.

Speaking of monkeys, Disney Nature is releasing the movie Chimpanzee on Earth Day, which is tomorrow for those of you who don’t give a shit about the environment. I’m so excited to see it. Disney Nature puts out excellent films like Oceans and African Cats, and this is bound to be good. Look at the success of “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and those weren’t even real apes! This is a documentary about “Oscar” the orphan chimp and  some other big chimp that finds him and acts like a parent to him or something like that.

I think we like to watch monkeys because we’re so much like them…still…even after all these years. I bet a monkey could work an Iphone.

By the way, if you’re one of those people that feel the need to distinguish between chimps and monkeys, then I should tell you that I don’t care about your needs. I know that monkeys have tails and chimps don’t and that monkeys are closer to animals and chimps are closer to humans…blah blah blah…I know, but you have to admit that a monkey working an Iphone sounds funnier than a chimp working an Iphone, so let it go. I just think monkey is a funny word…and so is weiner.

Since I brought up aids and chimps in the same post, I couldn’t go without mentioning the old rumor about how aids got started because someone had sex with a monkey. Granted, it was the 80′s, cocaine was rampant and I imagine things got pretty wild, but c’mon! Sex with a monkey?

But then again, I recently saw this documentary called Project Nim about a family who raised a baby chimp as one of their children and the human mother BREAST FED the baby chimp!

I could go on and on about the stupidity of humans that treat chimps like people until their face or balls get ripped off, but we’ll get into that later. Have we really evolved that much? Sometimes I think not….

Have a full-blown day!

Believe it or not, this is one of the most wide spread susperstitions in the US. “An estimated 17 to 21 million people in the US are affected by a fear of this day making it the most feared day and date in history. Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they avoid their normal routines in doing business, taking flights or even getting out of bed.”  Get a grip people!

There are a whole bunch of reasons why 13 is considered an unlucky number and why Friday is considered to be an unlucky day, but if you are of my generation or after, Friday the 13th most likely conjures up images of Jason Vorhees and his scary mother who killed everyone at Camp Crystal Lake. I saw the original one  in the theater in 1980 and it scared the shit out of me because I believe that in any woodsy, dark area, a killer is just waiting to jump out of the bushes and kill me and whoever I’m with.

Remember me?

I also believe that there are killers in the woods behind my mom’s house, and when I visit I always picture him,  sometimes with a hockey mask and sometimes without, peering in the window while I’m watching Family Fued alone and of course, there’s a thunder storm outside. She lives in Maine, which is a dark and scary state. Why do you think Stephen King lives there? It’s called inspiration.

Friday the 13th was such a great slasher film at the time that, of course, Hollywood had to go and make:

Friday the 13th: part II (1981)

Friday the 13th: part III (1982)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Jason X (2000)

Freddy vs. Jason (That’s Freddy Kruger, of course) (2003)

Friday the 13th (the remake of the original) (2009)

Do you think Hollywood has a stable of dead horses that producers go in and beat on a regular basis?

Fun fact: My brother’s friend, Derek Mears, played Jason in the remake. I watched it just for him. Of course, my favorite thing about slasher films is the stereotypical dumb girl who is always left alone and hears a noise and assumes it’s her boyfriend just trying to scare her. “Billy, is that you? Billy!  C’mon Billy, it’s not funny anymore”  and then she gets killed because she’s a slut. Did you ever notice in slasher films how the slutty girls always get killed? That’s fine, because the slutty ones are always stupid, and I’m totally okay with anyone stupid getting chopped up. In fact, I’d like to do it myself. I guess all I need is a hockey mask, which I don’t have, but I do have plenty of knives.

Well, I have to go now because I have a piece of processed breakfast meat cooking that I need to tend to. I hope everyone has a very lucky Friday the 13th!

In the comment section, I would love if you put your favorite slasher movie of all time….

IMPORTANT FUN FACT:

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults, on average only laugh 15 times a day. (maybe that’s because 6 year olds don’t have to deal with taxes.)

DEATH FUN FACTS:

1. A popular belief is that human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death. The truth is that the skin shrinks back causing it to look like both continue to grow, but they don’t.

2. Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die ( I think we need more people having sex, less people having babies, and more people dying, but I want to pick the people that die.)

3. Sky burial is a funerary practice in Tibet where a human corpse is placed on a mountain top and left for predatory birds to eat. This is because Buddhism believes in rebirth so there’s no need to preserve the body, as it’s seen as an empty vessel. Sky burials are simply a way of allowing nature to dispose of the body. (way to go “green” Tibet!)

4. In 19th-century Europe so many living people were declared dead by mistake that they had to start laying out the alleged-to-be-dead people in special “hospitals for the dead” to await signs of putrefaction, just to be sure they were really dead. (I have no words to describe the smell I am trying to imagine.)

5. No American has officially died of ‘old age’ since 1951, when the government eliminated that classification on death certificates. (my grandmother lived to be 100 and I don’t know what the “official” cause of death was but in my opinion, if you lived to be 100, you died of old age…and exhaustion and boredom!)

6. The rate of decomposition is four times faster in the water than on land.

7. It is possible to be scared to death. Profound fear, startling or dread can cause a sudden weakening of the heart, leading to heart failure or an arrhythmia, either of which can kill you. 

8. There are around 200 corpses on Mount Everest

9. No one knows where Mozart is buried

10. The Final Touch is a company that offers makeup products that were created especially for funeral directors by a special effects makeup artist in the film industry

HOLLYWOOD FUN FACTS:

1. The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.

2. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.

3. The sign read HOLLYWOODLAND from 1923 to 1949.

4. In January 1976, following the passage of a state law decriminalizing marijuana, vandals altered the sign to read ” HOLLYWEED.”

Love this...

5. In 1932, Broadway actress Peg Entwistle committed suicide by jumping off the letter “H.”

6. The first movie to show a woman wearing nothing but bra is “Psycho.”.

7. The oldest restaurant in Hollywood is “Musso and Frank Grill” on Hollywood Boulevard (I personally think it kinda sucks and is over-priced. They charged me for extra salad dressing once)

8. Originally, the term “movies” did not mean films, but the people who made them.

9. In The Godfather, John Marley’s (Jack Wolz) scream of horror in the horse head scene was real, as he was not told that a real horse head, which was obtained from a dog food company, was going to be used.

10. The shark in the movie “Jaws” was named Bruce after Steven Spielberg’s attorney. So many things went wrong on the set that the crew started to refer to it as “Flaws.” It was also the first movie to gross over $100 million.

Hi, I'm Bruce!

BONUS FUN FACTS:

1. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

2. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew marijuana on their plantations!

3. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee

4. ‘Sobrino de Botin’ is the oldest restaurant in the world and is located in Madrid, Spain.

5. None of the Beatles knew how to read music. (Paul McCartney eventually taught himself.)

6. Pork is the most consumed meat worldwide, which is understandable, once you’ve eaten bacon.

People obviously don’t like saying the words die or dead, as there are over 200 euphemisms about death. Here are some of my top picks:

Checking Out The Grass From Underneath

He Just Got Stamped “Return To Sender”

Kicked The Oxygen Habit

Paying A Debt To Nature

Winning One For The Reaper

And my TOP top pick is:

Decided That Hell’s Got A Better HR Policy Than The Office.

Have a fun-filled day!