Happy St. Patrick’s Day (in advance)

Posted on March 15, 2012 by
Hi readers,
I apologize for the lack of blogging this week but I’ve been preparing for the arrival of another Donohue, and by preparing I mean cleaning and stocking up on booze. My sister Kris is coming tonight and that means the next few days will be spent partying and having fun. Oh yeah, the Donohue’s love to party. There will be a lot of drinking and drug taking, that’s right, Kris loves drugs! (especially cocaine)
We will be most likely snorting lines of coke off strippers asses because as far as I know, that’s the only way to do coke. We’ll get some hookers and wake up in an unfamiliar place and not remember everything that happened.
Don’t worry though, we won’t be driving, but since we’ll be taking public transportation, we will protect ourselves. I’ll have a knife and she’ll have a gun because when you’re that coked up you never know what might happen. Saturday is St. Patrick’s day so we’re sure to be coked up for that not to mention hamnmered on Irish whiskey!
Anyway, I’ll be back next week. Happy St. Patrick’s Day in advance…
Posted in death, family, funeral home, funerals, Hollywood, weird | Tagged | 12 Comments

Dinner Conversation

Posted on March 13, 2012 by

Family dinners!!

Did your parents talk about their job at the dinner table? It’s probably fairly common for families who eat together, although from what I hear, family meals aren’t that common any more. Check this out, statistics show that kids who eat dinner with their parents and siblings do better in school and are supposedly overall happier families. I heard that on Oprah too.  I miss Oprah, don’t you?

Miss me?

 

Our family dinner conversations were pretty lively considering we were often talking about dead bodies, but that could also be because we all talked at once. Sometimes my mom would talk about her job as a nurse in the emergency room, which was definitely lively and if nothing else, entertaining. My mom worked at Fitzgerald Mercy Hospital in Darby, PA (where all of us were born). Darby was a bit rough, which kept the doctors and nurses who worked in the emergency room pretty busy. My mom said the full moon really does have an effect on people because on every full moon there was a few extra stabbings, gun shots and what not.

I want to say that working in an emergency room is another job I would never want. I watched one eisode of ER when it was on and it stressed me out. I think it takes a particular kind of weirdo to want to work in such a high stress situation. If nothing else, the stress must partly come from the fact that no matter how busy it is, emergency rooms seem to only have one doctor on at a time. A couple months ago I took my friend to the emergency room because she was suffering from really bad stomach pains. We waited FOUR HOURS! I almost stabbed her myself just so we could see a doctor sooner. If you’re not bleeding, you’re not a priority. And we pay insurance for this?

Anyway, my mom really loved working in the emergency room and she said one reason was because it was always different. For example, one woman came in who had a broken rib, and she had to have a belt put around her ribs. The problem was she had really big, long boobs. My mom said they literally on her lap. My mom was a young nurse and wasn’t exactly sure what to say because she didn’t want to embarrass the lady, but she couldn’t get the belt on with her giant knockers in the way.

My mom went out and told the doctor the situation and he said to just kindly ask her to move her breasts. My mom went back in and said, “I need to put this belt around you, would you, uhhhh, could you, uhhhh,  please move your breasts?” The lady said, “Oh sure, no problem” and then proceeded to toss them over her shoulders! Can you believe that? Her nipples were hanging off her back! Her boobs were so big and long that they could hang down her back!  I’ve seen some big boobs but none that could be worn as a scarf. I wonder if she ever caught a nipple when she was buckling her belt?

Naturally, my mom was stunned! She couldn’t believe what she just witnessed, and she said the lady was real casual about it like it was something everyone did, she wasn’t even embarrassed. But wouldn’t that hurt? Maybe she got used to it because she did it a lot. Maybe on Halloween she would put her boobs in the back and pretend to be Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Remember how her head spun around? Boobs that big in the front would be scary, not to mention the back.

But my favorite story of when my mom was working in the emergency room was when a woman came in complaining of stomach pains. My mother started to ask her routine questions pertaining to various types of abdominal pain. This woman clearly was not the brightest light on the tree. One of the questions my mom asked her was, “Does it burn when you urinate?” The woman looked at her confused and said, “What?” My mom thought to rephrase it and said, “Does your urine burn?” And I swear to you the woman said, “I don’t know…I never lit it.”

How about that? It sounds like a Henny Youngman joke! My mom had to leave the room to keep from laughing in the woman’s face. Not that the woman would have even known what she was laughing at.

That would just make my night as a nurse. No stabbing or gunshot wound could possibly top that comment! Maybe if ER was funny like that, I would’ve watched it.

My dad’s stories usually involved various types of dead bodies which were always interesting or something that happened at a funeral, like when a man’s colostomy bag broke in the downstairs bathroom. Yeah, I know, it was gross. But of course, my dad also felt bad for him because the man was naturally embarrassed, unlike Giant Jugs in the emergency room.

What kind of dinner conversation did you have growing up? Did your parents have weird, gross jobs like mine, and did they talk about it during dinner?

I hope you’re having a great day and that your boobs never end up on your back…

I use a hammock for a bra!

 

Posted in catholic church, death, family, funeral home, funerals, weird | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

Crazy Mike and Religion

Posted on March 8, 2012 by

Like I said yesterday, I can see how religion can drive people over the edge. Did you know this; “Pope John Paul II used to beat himself with a belt and sleep on a bare floor to bring himself closer to Christ. The late pope had a particular belt for self-flagellation and brought it with him to his summer residence, according to the book, “Why he is a Saint: The True story of John Paul II.”

Where's my belt?

HELLO?? Where do I even start? How does this possibly bring you closer to Christ? Is it like, Jesus was beaten, so if I beat myself, Jesus will love me more? I don’t think so. I think Jesus will think you’re stupid. Does this seem like rational, healthy behavior to you? Hey Pope, get a grip, you’re out of control! He brought his favorite belt to his summer residence so he could beat himself on vacation! Is this how you spend your summer vacation, beating yourself with your favorite belt? This was the religious leader of a billion people!

So, it’s no wonder that religion can drive other people crazy besides the pope. Crazy Mike was a guy who lived on the next block over from us and I think he lived with his mom. My family knew him for many years and he was probably in his 40’s at the time I remember him the most. He was always kind of dirty with greasy hair and dirty hands. His teeth looked like they hadn’t seen a toothbrush in years, never mind floss. 

According to my dad, who knew everything about everyone, Mike’s dad was really strict and religious, and used to lock him in a closet and make him pray, weird stuff like that. Remember the mother in the movie “Carrie?” Yeah.  Mike also had a genius IQ, but sadly was coerced into the seminary by his father where he had a mental breakdown.

We only knew him after the mental breakdown. He was a really nice guy and he loved my family for some strange reason. He knew all of us by name and would always stop and say hi and let us know what priest was saying what mass and what the homily was about. Of course, I didn’t care what the homily about when I was in church, let alone when I wasn’t, but I guess Mike figured we might want that information since it was important to him.

He used to wear a trench coat a lot and would pick up cigarette butts out of the gutter, pull the filter off to avoid other people’s germs, because when you already have that many germs, you don’t want any more, and then would smoke what was left of the cigarette.

We had a few cars; my dad’s Cadillac, the station wagon (aka flower car), the hearse, the limousine, my mom’s Honda, and the crappy Chevette that all four of us had to share. Well, Mike knew the license plate numbers of all of the cars. I don’t know how, because I don’t even know my license plate number, not to mention five others, and he didn’t even drive. He would recite them for us any time he saw one of us. We would just say, “Hi Mike” and he would start rattling them off. “EWD-62J, PA-J8LS, FM0-JR5, JPD-94K, B0M-4H3, TG5-WP7.” “Okay, bye Mike.” What can you say to that? The first time he did it, and there were many more times, I had no idea what he was doing and I just stared at him. Finally I said, “What’s that?” And he said (with a tone like I was an idiot), “Your license plates.” I said, “Ohhhhh, right.” Of course! How did I not know that?

I didn’t know one of the license plate numbers.

Then he started ringing the doorbell. We had an intercom system because so many people came to the door that it kept us from having to run down the stairs all the time. The doorbell would ring, we would press the little button and say “Who’s there please?” and suddenly we would hear (at a very rapid pace):

“St. Catherine was a Christian saint and a virgin who was martyred in the early 4th century at the hands of the pagan emporer Maxentius – she was a princess and a noted scholar who became a Christian when she was 14. Over 1,100 years following her martyrdom, she appeared to Joan of Arc.The Orthodox Church venerates her as a great martyr and celebrates her feast day on November 25th. In the Catholic church she is revered as one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers”

Then suddenly, it would stop and we would say “Hello?” and there was no answer. Then we would look out the window and see him dart across the street and run up the steps to the church in his trench coat. This happened on a regular basis. Sometimes he would ring the doorbell and identify himself, but then follow “Hi, it’s Mike” with some weird piece of religious news. Other times, we would press the intercom, he would start with the rambling, we would walk away for a minute, come back, press it and he was still rambling. Oddly enough, he usually rang the bell during dinner when we were all there and could listen to him. Poor Mike. But he did offer us some entertainment.

Crazy Mike, of course, loved hanging around the church as all the other crazies did, and I just think that religion somehow plays a little crazy part in their little crazy minds, or maybe a big part. I personally think religion has done a lot more harm than good. I’m not bashing anyone’s religion… I’m bashing all of them. I know people get real touchy about religion, but after 10 years of Catholic school and plenty of religious “experiences” in my house, which I will cover in another blog, I have come to believe that if we all lived by the Golden Rule, we wouldn’t need religion. But whatever, if it brings you peace, then fine. But if it brings you guilt and fear and anything else that’s negative, how can it be good? That’s all I’m sayin’.

Don’t you think “self-flagellation” sounds dirty? I do, and it definitely sounds like something you should do alone.

Have a beautiful day and say the rosary while you’re at it :)

Posted in catholic church, death, family, funeral home, funerals, weird | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

Lent and CrAzY MikE!

Posted on March 7, 2012 by

SINNERS!

Well, Lent is in full swing and in case you’re not Catholic and unsure of what it is, I’ll tell you. Apparently, some other Christian religions also observe Lent, but I don’t know which ones they are and don’t really care because I’m not down with Lent. For the believer, it’s the practice of prayer and penitence, self-denial and repentance. Oops, you lost me at self-denial.

All I know is that as a kid, we were told to give up something we liked and we had to eat fish on Friday, and I hate fish. Kids would give up stuff like candy and soda but I never stuck to mine. I treated it no differently than my New Year’s resolutions.

maybe everyone should give up Facebook for Lent!

 

These  40 days of self-denial and no candy leads up to Holy week which includes Good Friday. Of course, you know what Good Friday is; when Jesus had the crap beaten out of him and was forced to hang on the cross for three hours. Three hours? Jesus Christ! That must be how people started saying “Jesus Christ!” as an exclamation. Did you see that Jew hater, Mel Gibson’s movie “The Passion of the Christ?”

Wait, first let me trash Mel Gibson for a second. He is such an asshole! A racist, rude, abusive, disgusting scumbag! Okay good, I feel better now.

I was talking to a friend about that movie the other day and what a massive hit it was when it came out, and I remember my boyfriend at the time wanted to see it and I asked incredulously, “Why?”

I couldn’t believe it. In fact, I couldn’t believe so many people were interested in seeing it. I thought everyone knew that story. Well, I was wrong, and I know the story so well, of course, thanks to 10 years of Catholic school, that I remember thinking, “Why would I want to go see a film version of a horrible story where Jesus gets almost beaten to death and then is forced to hang on a cross with nails hammered through his hands and feet for three hours in the hot sun. I also knew Hollywood would make it graphic and bloody and gruesome (and I was right), and I just didn’t want to see it because when I finally was old enough to understand the story of what happened to Jesus, it made me sad.

cleaned up version

Hollywood version

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every Lent for eight years of Catholic school, we would spend three hours in church on Friday doing the Stations of the Cross. There was a lot of praying and kneeling involved…and of course, a lot of laughing, and we all know church laughter is the worst. There were times I was laughing so hard I thought my head would explode, which would have been a lot more fun than the Stations of the Cross.  Here they are:

  1. Jesus is condemned to death
  2. Jesus accepts the cross
  3. Jesus falls the first time
  4. Jesus meets his Mother
  5. Simon of Cyrene carries the cross
  6. Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
  7. Jesus falls the second time
  8. Jesus meets the women of jerusalem
  9. Jesus falls the third time
  10. Jesus is stripped of His garments
  11. Crucifixion: Jesus is nailed to the cross
  12. Jesus dies on the cross
  13. Jesus’ body is removed from the cross
  14. Jesus is laid in the tomb and covered in incense    

Isn’t that horrible? Poor Jesus. And this brutal treatment was done to save us? Jesus died for our sins? Does that make any sense to you, because I’ve never quite understood that. So, naturally I googled that question:  How did Jesus dying save us from our sins?

This was a random answer I found while googling:

“God sent Jesus on this earth to die on the cross for us. Jesus took all of our sins, and took our punishment that we should have receiven. Instead of us being on that cross, Jesus loved us soooooo much, that He did it for us. BUT, we can only go to Heaven and be saved if we believe on Him, repent of our sin and know how awful we are, and accept God’s free gift of salvation. Jesus took my sin, your sin, and everyone’s sin on Him, because He loved us so much!!!!” 

Whoever wrote this answer doesn’t seem too bright, is “receiven” a word?  But this is the basic idea, right?  This is what people believe, right? It has never made sense to me. I don’t understand how Jesus dying is really doing any good for anybody. What does “dying for our sins” even mean and how does that help us?

Just because you believe in Jesus doesn’t mean you’re going to heaven, if there even is a heaven, and if there is a heaven there better be a buffet! What if you’re a mean person but you believe in Jesus? Would God want you in heaven if you’re mean? I don’t’ think so. What if you’re a really nice person, but you don’t believe in God? Do you think God would let you in heaven anyway? I do. But who knows?  If Jesus saved us, why is there a hell? Did he only save some of us? Am I going to hell? Sometimes I think we’re already there. Anyway, I don’t really buy it. But I like Jesus and all his “teachings.” Jesus was all about being nice to everyone, and more importantly, he could turn water into wine! Why would you kill that guy? That’s the guy you want at all your parties. Stupid humans.

I can see how religion can really drive people over the edge with all the fear, guilt and suffering that’s attached to strict religious practices. Forget it, I’d rather go to hell. In fact, I know someone who truly was driven over the edge, and of course, he was a regular at our church, St. Alice. Tune in tomorrow so you can read about CrAzY MiKe!

 

 

 

Just a side note: Did you ever notice that the people in the Bible have no last names…it’s always “Jesus of Nazareth” or “Simon of Cyrene” or “John the Baptist” .  Although I think that’s weird, from now on I want you to start calling me “Celeste of NoHo” (short for North Hollywood)

Have a blessed day! :)

Posted in catholic church, family, funeral home, Hollywood, weird | Tagged , , , , , | 24 Comments

Truly a Tragedy!

Posted on February 29, 2012 by

ummm....hair on the left?

One day when I was in 8th grade at St. Alice School, I had a song stuck in my head, and that song was “Tragedy” by the Bee Gees. I don’t know if I heard it that morning before I went to school or what, but it was stuck in my head all day long. You know how that happens, right? The worst is when you get a song stuck in your head that you don’t like and it keeps playing over and over. But I liked that song at the time, being a Bee Gees fan and all…

But I couldn’t wait to walk in the door after school so I could sing it out loud since it was in my head ALL DAY LONG! We lived across the street from the school so I didn’t have to wait long. We had two entrances to the funeral home; one on the corner, where people would come for anything funeral related, and a “private entrance,” two doors over, where our family went in when there was a funeral in progress. A lot of times, though, after school, we would just walk in the front entrance to the funeral home because we knew there were no funerals going on, and even if my father was making arrangements with a family, we could walk in and go up the stairs without anyone knowing….that is, unless, of course, you walk in singing at the top of your lungs. Oops!

I no sooner closed the door to the funeral home that I belted out “TRAGEDY…WHEN THE FEELING’S GONE AND YOU CAN’T GO ON….IT’S TRAGEDY!”

I wasn’t even off the front porch when I saw my father storming towards me with murder in his eyes. I immediately panicked (I may have sharted). Keep in mind, when my dad was mad, he looked psychotic, as I’m sure many parents do. He had a crazed look in his eyes, and I knew he wanted me dead at that moment. He said in a yelling whisper, “I HAVE A FAMILY IN THERE!”

Stricken with terror, I think I apologized and ran up the stairs. I went into the kitchen and my mom was smiling as she saw the fear-struck look on my face. Of course, she had heard me, but Dad stopped me long before she had the chance to put out her cigarette and come downstairs. Did I tell you that my mom smoked a pack of cigarettes a day for 40 years and then quit cold turkey? Who does that?

But to this day, I find this funny; in the midst of the fear of my father kicking my ass when he came upstairs, my mom said, “I love the irony of the song you were singing.”

Oh Cis, you’re a smart one! It didn’t get past her that I was singing “Tragedy” while a family was making funeral arrangements. Talk about timing! It never crossed my mind, but then again, I was too riddled with fear about my dad killing me later to even consider it. But can you imagine what the family must have thought? That had to be some really good comic relief, though, right? Imagine sitting there picking out a casket, when, out of nowhere you hear a young, teenage voice singing a death anthem. Not that it’s a death anthem, but at that point, could you take it any other way?

The door all the way to the right is where we had to go in from then on!

Because of that experience, a new rule came about in the Donohue household; “ALWAYS USE THE OTHER DOOR!” Oh yeah, Dad wasn’t risking that mess again. From then on, EVERYONE had to use the other door. We were banned from using the front door unless we were absolutely, 100% positive that no funeral, funeral arrangements or any other funeral related activity was happening.

I, personally, think that’s a good theme song for funerals. Most deaths are tragic in some way, so why not?

Here is the song I sang (and sing) for all the dead, both past and future…because death, after all, is only in the present for what, a second? And then it’s in the past….but still in all of our futures.

The lyrics could totally be applied to a dead body!

Have a great day, you’re not dead yet! :)

Posted in catholic church, death, family, funeral home, funerals, weird | Tagged , , | 21 Comments

Oscar Recap

Posted on February 27, 2012 by

Photoshop is brilliant...LOLzzz!

 

I’ll start my Oscar recap by saying “I told ya” about Angelina’s big head and bony arms and shoulders. Her black dress looked nice with that skeleton leg sticking out of it. In addition to Brad Pitt’s ugly, long hair (and I told you he wouldn’t win), it makes me wonder about a man who likes such a skinny broad. And why did she present the award with her hand on her hip as if she was on a runway? I think she’s a weirdo….moving on.

 

 

Billy Crystal should just keep hosting every year. He’s really good at it and everyone likes him and it would keep Hollywood from making such mistakes like allowing James Franco and Anne pasty-white Hathaway to host. What a mess that was last year.

I was happy Octavia Spencer won Best Supporting actress for “The Help” because I thought she was great in it, and glad Christopher Plummer won too, even though I didn’t see the movie he was in, I still think of how hot he was as Captain Von Trapp, and that’s good enough for me.

I predicted “Midnight in Paris” to win Best Original Screenplay, and let’s face it, whether you think Woody Allen is a perv for marrying his adopted daughter or whatever, he’s still a great writer. I’m glad he won.

Since I was able to see “The Artist” on Saturday, and glad I did, I was happy to see Jean Dujardin take Best Actor over Clooney. Even though I predicted Clooney, I’m glad he didn’t win. Is that wrong?  I’m just not the fan of Clooney that everyone else is. Sorry. I don’t find him to be as witty as he thinks he is.

I was thrilled Meryl Streep won because she’s the best, we all know it, and she should probably win at least one award a year for being better than everyone else.

I was really glad “The Artist” took Best Picture. It was different from the usual slop Hollywood dishes up, and I didn’t want “The Descendants” to win. I originally predicted The Descendants but after seeing The Artist, I changed my prediction and I’m happy for them, even though they’re French. :)

And that wraps up the whole Oscar extravaganza until next year. What did you think? Did you like the show? Did you think Cirque Du Soliel was possibly the best part of the show? Did you like Sandra Bullock’s “face work”? She had something done. What about Tom Cruise? I thought he looked quite fresh and very gay :)

Have a great Monday!

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Flip’s Oscar Acceptance Speech!

Posted on February 26, 2012 by

After finding out on Facebook that he won the Oscar Giveaway, Flip Sanborn posted his acceptance speech on my wall.  It may have just as well been televised. After all, we’re talkin’ about Facebook here, and we all know the power of “The Social Network.”

Flip was really happy and gracious, but unfortunately, he didn’t get Halle Berry style hysterical which is what I was hoping for. But anyway, with grace and humility, here is Flip’s speech:

“Oh my word, I’m so freekin’ happy rite now. First of all i would like to thank all my family, who, if they hadn’t kicked me out of my home when i was 13, I wouldnt have lived behind the big screen at the theater and gotten all my movie knowledge. Second to all my friends who I booze it up with all the time, I can use the shot glasses, yeah baby!  Third to Celeste, who, if she hadn’t had this contest, well, you all know….. Finally, I want to thank all the little people;  the tux rental place who left the suit that I will be wearing at the acceptence ceremony out back of their shop to air out, to Razor Ray, our local barber, because without him i wouldnt look so stylish.  Well, I could go on and on but I won’t (cause im actually getting a blister on my two typing fingers). Just want to say thanks to all the people who entered this awesome  contest. Sorry you guys blew it, but there can be only one winner and its ME, thank you thank you, thank you, till the next contest….later! (now teboing in my living room )”

On his way to the Oscars!

Take that Clooney!! I’d like to see him top that speech tonight.  By the way, I saw The Artist last night. I really liked it and now I think that is going to get “Best Picture.”

Congratulations again to Flip on his big win, and I hope all of you enjoy the Oscars!

Posted in celebrities, Hollywood, weird | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments