What Would Jesus Do?

I think I mentioned that Catholic church attracts a lot of weirdos, including the priests, and we lived across the street from St. Alice Catholic church. My dad knew everyone in the parish and all the nuns and priests (There will be more to come on all the priests and nuns my parents used to have come to our house….talk about weird). This one priest, Father Henry, was a total dick! Everyone hated him because he was mean and was rough with the boys in St. Alice School and he was a dick in confession. Guess what? Remember the Catholic priest scandals in Boston, LA, Philly and all the other places that adults were coming out saying that they were molested by priests when they were kids?  Father Henry was indicted in the Philadelphia scandal.

I got my hands on a transcript of that whole trial. WOW! What those priests did to all those kids is so horrible and wrong, that if there is a hell, and I hope there is, the priests will have their own area that will be like prison, and they’ll be the prison bitches for all of eternity. In fact, when those scandals started to break, I was talking to my dad about it and his words were “I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.” Isn’t that crazy? And sadly, he was right.

But this was long before any of that happened.

This guy in our neighborhood, whose name I don’t know, would come to church on a regular basis like a good Catholic…and read the newspaper. I get it, church is boring, but it used to piss off the priests because he would sit in the very first pew and open his newspaper all the way and hold it up so that it completely covered his face. Isn’t that funny? If I was a priest I would want that guy to come to each mass just for laughs. But of course, the priests had no sense of humor.

During mass one day, the newspaper guy is sitting in the front pew reading his paper, but it must have been raining that day because he was also holding an open umbrella too, and minding his own business.  Just peacefully reading and shielding himself from the rain outside. If you’re not familiar with a Catholic service, there’s a point during the mass when you give each other the “sign of peace”, and you turn to the people near you and shake their hands and what not. Well, during the sign of peace, Father Henry came down off the altar and PUNCHED the newspaper guy in the face!

Does that seem like a peaceful gesture? Is that what Jesus would do? The congregation was stunned.

I’m not sure what should happen in a situation like this, other than maybe the newspaper man punching Father Henry in the face which could have led to an all-out brawl that would have made for a much more entertaining service. But if the whole experience wasn’t weird enough, Father Henry went back to the altar, continued mass like nothing happened and the newspaper guy took his umbrella and paper and left.  Welcome to St. Alice!


Please don't punch me in the face...

 Do you find it ironic that I found a picture of a priest reading a newspaper? Do you think someone should punch him in the face? 

About Death To Hollywood

My name is Celeste Donohue and I am a writer/comedian who started this blog to tell stories about my life growing up in a funeral home and my adult life which I have spent in Hollywood, California – hence the name, “Death To Hollywood”. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in catholic church, death, funerals and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to What Would Jesus Do?

  1. Christine says:

    I’m thinking the fellow is a few sandwiches short of a picnic for reading a paper in the front row. Sounds passive-agressive and he sure got a response!

  2. klpeach says:

    “the catholic church is not what pops and i intended when i came down to save all you bastards. the catholics have murdered more people than any other organization in the history of the world. what the fuck is going on down there?”


  3. Kris says:

    I love this one! What a dirty, gross priest Father Henry was/is!……..poor umbrella/newspaper man….. Can’t anyone have a little peace in church with their newspaper? Jesus would NOT have done that…..read the newspaper or punch a guy:)

  4. Newspaper man should’ve turned the other cheek – or his ass cheek in the case of Father Henry. I do hope father Henry has a pleaseant trial. Perhaps newspaper man can punch him while he’s in the dock.

  5. Beth says:

    Was Father Henry, by any chance, of Irish descent? I know you’re Irish, so am I. I’m just hypothesizing albeit from stereotyping.

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