SLUT!!!

One thing that sucked about being the kid of a funeral director was that my dad knew everyone in the neighborhood and that meant that they knew who we were too, and could identify any of us if we caused any trouble. This was especially unfortunate for my brother who was a semi-regular trouble maker in the eyes of the douche bag priests who always ratted him out to my dad.

I had a friend named Coleen who lived on the next street over from me. We went to kindergarten together and were friends up until she moved to New Jersey when we were in 5th grade. Sadly, her mom died of cancer when we were eight or nine and her little sister was five. The funeral was held at our house and it was really sad because it’s always even more tragic when someone young dies, especially when they’re leaving two little kids behind.  Her dad got remarried and that’s when they moved to New Jersey.

But before that, we hung out a lot. I’d go on outings with her family and she would hang out at my house sometimes too. I usually spent more time over friends’ houses because they had better toys than us. My parents weren’t big on toys. My mom believed “our imaginations were enough.” Yeah, whatever. (eye roll)

Anyway, Coleen would go hang out with her cousins who were older than us and would always come back with something new they taught her, like smoking. Yes, I first smoked at about 9 years old. We would crawl into bushes or hide in the alley. Can you imagine seeing two nine year old girls smoking? Or better yet, seeing them blow smoke rings? Oh yeah, we could and we did.

One day she came back from her cousins’ house and told me she had a new bad word to tell me. I said, “What is it?” She said, “Slut.” She wasn’t clear on exactly what it meant, but we knew it was a bad word to call a girl, and that was good enough for us. Now we just needed a reason to say it to someone.

The opportunity came shortly after when we were playing a few blocks over on Glendale Road. We were running through everyone’s lawn and being loud and annoying like kids are. This woman came out of her front door and started yelling at us to shut up and get out of here. So the two of us turned around at the same time and yelled, “SHUT-UP SLUT!”

Looking back, the funny part is that she was about 80 years old. That’s what happens when you don’t learn the meaning of curse words. She was the grandmother of some kids who went to school with us, but I didn’t know that until she called my dad and ratted me out. She knew who I was!

I got in trouble thanks to that slut, but that slut is probably dead now and probably had her slutty funeral at Kelly’s.

 

 

 

 

 

How is your day going? Have you called anyone a slut today?

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in catholic church, death, family, funeral home, Hollywood, weird and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to SLUT!!!

  1. meg says:

    this word was outlawed in my sorority meetings and especially during rush. i do have happy memories of sluttiness to the max at the spectrum in philly with the author.

  2. Jessica says:

    Funny…with the 80 year old slut…I’m sure there was a word I thought was absolutely terrible as a kid and then used it out of context. I remember my brother used to say “premises” instead of “perimeter.” Not a bad word, but funny.

  3. Josephine says:

    I can’t believe I get to leave a comment!

    When I tried before I think there was something wrong with my cookies or something. Trust technology to turn cookies into a bad thing.

    My laugh everyday, here. I think you will make me healthier. 🙂

    The best think I like about the word slut is that people use it for guys too now.

  4. Kris says:

    That is a funny one, Cee! We couldn’t get away with anything…..not even calling an 80 year old a slut!!!

  5. Christine says:

    Maybe she was pissed at being found out…

  6. Roslyn Cop says:

    I’m really enjoying your blogs. You grew up so differently living above a funeral home & your blogs while true are funny.

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