My First Marriage Proposal

Wanna get hammered? I'm here to help...

Another bartending job I had was at an Italian restaurant named “Grappa.” Two brothers owned it and it was right on the Sunset Strip. It has since been replaced by the Red Rock Bar. It was a pretty slow job after slinging non-stop beer cans and plastic cups at the Crush Bar for so long. I wasn’t making much money but the food was great and I also used to make out with the manager after we closed the bar and everyone was gone. Hey, I had to make up for the lack of tips somehow.

One of the waiters had a crush on me. Okay, maybe it was more than a crush. He wanted to marry me. Okay, he wanted to marry me so he could stay in the country, but I still think he had a crush on me. He was from Jordan, and you know how liberated those middle-eastern men are when it comes to women. But he was willing to pay me $3000 to marry him. I was young, stupid and broke so actually considered it. But since I wasn’t attracted to him, I decided to investigate what would actually happen if I married him and how easy it would be to get out of it. Believe me, if I was attracted to him, I probably wouldn’t have gone as far as to see a lawyer. Yeah, I know $3000 isn’t enough. My price has gone up considerably since then.  By the way, his name was Wally. Do you think that’s a common name in Jordan?

Hi, I'm Wally! (this is actually Borat, but he looked just like this)

A lawyer told me in so many words not to do it. He couldn’t outright advise me on my plan to do something illegal, but he definitely told me what would have to happen. I’d have to live with him, which was the first strike.  He was way too hairy to live with. He also told me that we would have to know personal details about each other like a normal married couple. That creeped me out. I didn’t know him; he was a co-worker from Jordan and I don’t even know exactly where that is. I didn’t want him to know that I have a birthmark on my ass that looks like cornflake. That’s personal information that I only disclose to people who read blogs.

Then the lawyer told me that if we got caught I could go to jail, and that was it for me. There was no way I was going to risk going to jail for some guy I barely knew with a bad moustache and $3000. When I told him I wasn’t going to do it, he got really mad at me and probably wanted to stone me to death. Do they do that there?

I know the men can have up to four wives in that culture and the women’s lives are dictated by their husbands once they’re married. Sorry, but I don’t approve of all their sexist bullshit and I don’t think Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton would either. However, I fully support having four husbands.

I don’t think I would’ve gone through with it even if jail wasn’t a possibility; not that I wouldn’t consider marrying for money, but this is Hollywood. If I was going to do that, I’d go for real money like that broad with the fake leg who married Paul McCartney. What a little gold digger she was. Remember when she was on Dancing With the Stars? You know everyone was hoping her leg would fall off…or was that just me? How about Chaz Bono? Will you be watching him on the upcoming season? Do you think his new penis will get in the way of his dancing?

I just want to dance!

Have a Wild Wednesday!

Advertisements

About Death To Hollywood

My name is Celeste Donohue and I am a writer/comedian who started this blog to tell stories about my life growing up in a funeral home and my adult life which I have spent in Hollywood, California – hence the name, “Death To Hollywood”. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in celebrities, family, Hollywood, weird and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to My First Marriage Proposal

  1. klpeach says:

    cornflake birthmark on your ass. hahhahaha.

  2. Patti says:

    oh my god, you are funny.

  3. barskii says:

    I know all I need to know about you, to Marry you, just with that last article,
    but, I am not Rich??
    and I am American, So darn it, I may not qualify ???

    I like your blog !!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s