Happy Halloween readers! Do you have your rattiest pillow case ready to collect some candy and razor blade ridden apples? My mom and I were talking about that the other day. I remember our parents having to check our candy to make sure some psycho didn’t try to slash our mouths open with a razor blade while biting into an apple. The ironic thing is that I guarantee that no kid ever eats an apple that’s tossed into his candy bag. In fact, when I was a kid it used to piss me off when someone would drop an apple or orange into my pillow case, with or without the razor blade. What kid wants fucking fruit on Halloween? Cheap-ass idiots. If you don’t have candy, don’t open your god damn door.
How about those people that would throw a little bit of change into your bag? If they were tossing dollar bills that would be one thing, but a couple of nickels and pennies is just stupid and annoying. I would purposely not say thank you to coin or fruit tossers. I wanted them to know it was unacceptable…and I’m sure they thought long and hard about it after I left in my bum costume.
A few years ago I was working at a company that decided to have a Halloween contest. Normally, I wouldn’t partake in company activities like this but the prize was 200 bucks and I needed the money. So I went all out, determined to win the contest. I decided to be a grim reaper because I’m the type of girl who doesn’t use Halloween as an opportunity to wear a slutty outfit so everyone can see how “sexy” I really am. I only like funny or scary costumes. I was covered in black from head to toe, including a ski hat to hide my hair and a hooded jacket. I had shoulder pads on and duct-taped my sneakers to 5-inch blocks of Styrofoam so that I was really tall. It made it awkward to walk, which enhanced my scariness. When I walked into the party, no one knew who I was. I wore gloves too so that no one would recognize my hands. The only thing showing was my scary face. One thing I really love about painting your face is that it makes you completely unrecognizable so you can act as crazy as you want and no one knows.
I’ll cut to the chase; I won the contest. Everyone was very impressed with my creative creepiness. I’ve only won one other contest that I can think of and that was a marshmallow eating contest, but I didn’t actually have to eat the marshmallows. It was at a bridal shower, and at first I wasn’t going to play any of the games because I just wanted to sit and watch everyone else make idiots of themselves. I didn’t even know that playing games was something people did at bridal showers. I felt like I was at an 8 year olds birthday party. But when the marshmallow contest came up I decided to do it, because as soon as I heard the premise, I knew I could win!
Everyone was sitting in a row of chairs. The person directing the game would hand you a marshmallow, you had to put it in your mouth and then say the phrase on the index card she handed to you. Each time, you had to add another marshmallow, but the point was that you had to still be able to say the phrase clearly so that they could understand you. If you couldn’t talk or they couldn’t understand you, you were out.
Let me tell you how much practice I have with talking with a mouth full of food. I excel at this. I try not to do it because I know it’s horribly rude, but I tend to think of important things to say the second the food hits my mouth, and I can’t wait until I swallow it or I might forget. This is what I had to do at the dinner table while growing up. You had to talk when you got the chance, mouth full or not. That’s how I got so good at it. But don’t think my family doesn’t call me on it every time I’m with them, my mother especially.
So anyway, back to the bridal shower. I was probably competing with about 20 other girls. She was handing out the marshmallows and the other girls were dropping like flies. They couldn’t talk with four, five or six marshmallows…what a bunch of amateurs! I just knew this was mine for the taking and I was right! I won the contest by fitting 13 marshmallows into my mouth and could still be understood while talking. Are you impressed? I hope so. It wasn’t easy, but I was determined to win some lame basket of shit from Bath & Body works…and I did.
How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth? Have you tried it? Are you dressing slutty for Halloween?
Have a spooky day! P.S. If you want to find out what Halloween was like in another funeral home, you can read it here: https://death-to-hollywood.com/2011/08/15/halloween-in-another-funeral-home/ (if you haven’t already)