Good morning readers! Just so you know, you will be reading about every stinkin’ one of my waitressing jobs that I’ve had, and there have been a lot, and let’s get this straight; I hated waiting tables. I don’t have the personality to take shit from people and waitresses in LA take a lot of shit from people. In fact, waitresses everywhere take a lot of shit from people, so please tip generously if they’re nice. It’s a hard way to earn money in my opinion. I haven’t waited tables in years and that’s because what little tolerance I had back then, is gone. But each job was unique in its own way which is why I feel the need to tell you….
So continuing on with my Hollywood waitressing career, I worked at a place called “Gladstones.” There is one in Malibu, right on the beach, but I worked at the one at Universal Citywalk. Citywalk is an outside type of mall that’s connected to Universal’s theme park and it’s a big tourist attraction. Stores, restaurants, movies, you know, the regular shit.
Gladstones was a seafood restaurant that attracted all kinds of annoying people and cheap tourists . They served giant portions of fried seafood and other mediocre crap, and I think the decor of the restaurant was supposed to resemble the inside of a big, dirty boat? I don’t know, but definitely not “fine dining.” And it was busy all the time! People would line up for this place and I have no idea why.
One of the worst things about this place was that they made us wear really cheesy uniforms. It included: white pants (EW!), a blue and white stripe long sleeve shirt (to represent a sailor?), white shoes and RED SUSPENDERS! The uniform was red, white and blue and ugly! How can you take someone serious who wears suspenders? Hi Larry King! Where’s your belt?
They also made us learn how to make shapes out of tinfoil for the customer’s leftovers. I only knew how to make a basket. Quick and easy. Some of the waiters would make birds, flowers and other elaborate crap. I always got stuck in the section outside, furthest away from the kitchen. We would have to carry huge trays piled with up to 8 plates on them. No busboys. The waiters did everything. It was back-breaking work. In fact, this was one of my most hated waitressing jobs, and I hated all of them. But, I lost some weight in the brief time I worked there and it was usually the opposite when I worked in a restaurant. In most restaurants, I spent more time in the kitchen eating than I did with my customers.
One time, I saw a waiter pick up a couple of plates of food from the kitchen and as he turned to head out the door, the fried seafood slid off the plate and on to the floor. It was so busy that night and to get a whole new plate would have taken too long, so he picked it up and kept going. In his defense, the coating on the fried food was so thick, I’m sure the dirt was virtually unnoticeable.
I waited on Tyra Banks at this place but this was back when she was just a model and before her “have to cry on air” TV shows, “America’s Next Top Model” and “Tyra”. She was quiet and serious, and let’s face it, a black girl who pretends to be from the ghetto can seem intimidating. If you’ve ever watched her talk show, she clearly is trying to be Oprah. Tyra, if you’re reading, you will never be Oprah. Oprah gave away cars and trips to Australia, what do you give away on your show? Watch here: (and while your watching, ask yourself, “Would Oprah do this?”)
I also waited on Jamie Foxx before he got super famous. He was quiet too, which is how I prefer customers. Don’t say much and definitely don’t ask for too much. I should open the “Celeste’s School of Waitressing,” don’t you think? I’ll show them how it’s done.
I hope you feel bad for me that I had to wear that uniform. Are you wearing suspenders right now? Isn’t Tyra Banks a FREAK?!