Have you ever been on a blind date? They suck. I went on one in my life and I’ll get to that in a minute but I have to tell you first about when my dad went on a blind date to a prom. I love this story so much because it captures who my dad really was. And it was pretty ballsy too, and I love anything ballsy, except actual balls.
When he was a senior in high school, my grandmother and a woman she knew from church got to talking about the woman’s daughter’s upcoming prom. She was telling my grandmother how her daughter didn’t have a date and my grandmother started telling the woman how handsome and smart her son was, and after talking for a while, she basically volunteered my dad to go with her daughter. My dad didn’t really want to go but he agreed because he was a good Catholic son, but… he didn’t go without devising a funny little plan first.
Before he went to pick her up, he stopped off at a five and dime store (do they even exist anymore?) and he bought some ugly fake teeth and thick black reading glasses. When he pulled up in front of her house, while he was still in the car, he combed his hair really nerdy, put the teeth in, put the glasses on, picked up the corsage and headed to the door. He rang the doorbell and the mother answered. She was visibly taken aback by the dork standing at her front door, especially after hearing how handsome he was. He said in a nerdy voice, “Hi, I’m John, I’m here to pick up Lisa.” The mother told him to come in and he went into the living room and sat on the couch. The mother yelled up to her daughter, “Lisa, John is here.” Lisa started to walk down the steps in her prom dress with a big smile on her face because she didn’t see my dad right away. Once she did, she stopped dead in her tracks, the smile fell from her face, and she turned around and ran back up the stairs.
The mother apologized and went upstairs after her daughter and my dad said he could hear them fighting. The girl was crying and the mother was saying “You have to go! You agreed…and he got you a corsage!” In the meantime, while Lisa was crying, my dad fixed his hair, took out the teeth, took off the glasses and patiently waited to let Lisa in on his practical joke.
Lisa’s mother eventually forced her, and she reluctantly started down the stairs. She had her head down, and when she finally looked up to see my dad looking normal, he said the look of relief on her face made him laugh, which made her laugh, the mother laughed, and luckily they all appreciated a great joke. (Or so he said, she was probably pissed ) He said they went on to have a great time that night….but how could you not have fun with someone like that?
But, I didn’t know that story when I went on my one and only blind date.
I was working at a computer company when I was about 20, where I met my friend, John. We became good friends quickly because he is really funny and we made each other laugh all the time. We began hanging out outside of work and when my cousin was in town, all three of us hung out. John and my cousin started dating so he decided to set me up with one of his friends so I wouldn’t be a third wheel and all of us could hang out. I wasn’t seeing anyone so I was open to it, and I had never been on a blind date so I thought it might be fun….wrong!
The guys picked us up, and John was driving so my cousin got in the front seat and I was in the back with my blind date. I’m asking him the usual questions, trying to make conversation but this guy was a drag! He wasn’t interesting, he wasn’t funny, he wasn’t smart…he wasn’t even hot to make up for his lack of personality. He was a giant bore! We went to dinner at a mediocre restaurant and again, I’m trying to strike up conversation, make witty comments (which he wasn’t laughing at by the way…strike one, two, and three!) etc.
Thankfully, John and my cousin were picking up the conversation slack but by this point I was bored and over the whole experience and actually wanted to leave….but it didn’t end there! After dinner we went to some cheesy dance club. The night was dragging, and all of us were sitting at a table in the club and yet, I’m still attempting to talk to this bum, except now I’m yelling, trying to be heard over the ridiculously loud, thumping, crappy, techno music.
Finally, I gave up! I said, “I’m going to the ladies room.” Naturally, my cousin went with me. We went into the stalls, came out and she said, “I’ll meet you back at the table.” I agreed. I was just standing in the bathroom not wanting to go back to my boring date, and then all of the sudden something came over me. I pulled out my lipstick to apply it, but instead decided to spice up the evening a bit.
I don’t know why I did it, other than boredom, but as I was putting on my lipstick, I just started going outside my lips… I put it on around my whole mouth…like a clown. You know how a clown’s lipstick is like a big red circle around the mouth? That’s what I did. It was ridiculous and I looked crazy…but it was funny, and by this point I was desperate for something fun to happen. I walked out of the bathroom, past the dance floor, past the bar and went back to the table and sat down. John and my cousin burst out laughing. I started laughing. The date? Didn’t crack a smile. He thought I was a fucking weirdo. Well, maybe I am…BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT BORING!
And…I left it like that for the rest of the night.
Get this…if you’re a basketball fan you might know what I’m talking about. There was a big scandal in the NBA back in 2006-2007. Tim Donaghy (the referee) was officiating the games and tipping off a couple of his friends who were betting on the games. One of his friends was a guy named Jimmy Battista, who is now in jail because he was indicted in the scandal. Guess who my blind date was??
Jimmy fucking Battista!
And you know what? He should be in jail. No one that boring should be walking the streets. By the way, he was supposedly linked to the Gambino family, one of the biggest mafia families. I read that but I don’t know if it’s true, but if Jimmy is reading this from prison, do you think he’ll send someone to break my kneecaps for telling everyone how boring he is?
I hope your day is anything but boring….
(by the way, I suck at taking pictures of myself, but I did it for you because I love you 🙂