Black Monday

 Hi readers! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Did anyone go shopping on Black Friday? Did you get the pepper spray out of your eyes? That story gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “it’s better to give than to receive.”

I just want an Xbox!

What is it about getting good deals that brings out the savage in humans? I want a good deal as much as the next person but I’m not willing to burn other people’s eyes out to save a few bucks. This is what Christmas shopping has become? I wonder how Jesus would feel about his “birthday” inspiring pre-emptive pepper spray strikes.

The crowds at these stores are reminiscent of the chimp that ripped that lady’s face off. Remember that? The chimp just went berserk, and that’s what these crowds do. They fight and elbow and push each other to save a few bucks. Is that not animalistic? Although that chimp didn’t get an Xbox 360 for 100 bucks off.

This is a quote from a cop who was involved in a fight over BATH TOWELS: “A woman tried to get her hands on some towels when she was pushed from behind, and that’s when she came out swinging.” Swinging?? Over bath towels? I would hate to see what happens over a set of sheets.

Parents get into physical fights over dolls and other kids toys, and then we wonder why the world and the economy are in the toilet. Think about it; if saving a few bucks causes people to react this way, maybe we should lower prices? Or maybe a meteor should just hit the earth, kill everyone, and we can start over?

I’m just disappointed in humans, and if there is a God, I hope he isn’t patting himself on the back, because if humans are the best he can do, then his work is pretty mediocre. Is this how he would want us preparing for his son’s “birthday?” With competitive shopping? This is how we bring in the Christmas season? Isn’t this a religious holiday? Why are there so many dumb people?

My mom always starts her Christmas shopping in August or September, this is so she can avoid spraying people with mace at Walmart. She just starts picking things up along the way, at yard sales and flea markets. She saves a lot of money buying us used stuff and definitely saves from all the re-gifting she does. I gave her a nice pair of yoga pants one year for Christmas. About six months later, I’m at the elder sister’s house and what do I find in her closet? The yoga pants I gave my mom.

Liza?

My mom is also known for her odd choice in gifts. One year for my birthday she gave me a gold sequined scarf. She said, “I thought you could wear it on stage.” Sure I could…if I was Liza Minelli. Anything she has with the letter “C” on it gets re-gifted to me, so I have all kinds of things to remind me that my name is spelled with a “C” and not an “S.”

She got my brother a pogo stick one year for Christmas. What’s an appropriate response for that? Have you ever tried a pogo stick? You could have more fun playing with a head of lettuce. Another present she gave my brother was a bedazzled pencil case. My mom gave John a little denim pencil case with rhinestones on it!  Did she forget he was a boy that year or was that during his “gay phase”? I can’t remember, but he wasn’t happy about it.  I have the ultimate getting shafted at Christmas story, but that will come later.

I’ll miss Oprah’s favorite things this year. Remember watching her audience practically shit themselves every time she would announce a gift? Watch this: 

And in case you didn’t get to see any of the Black Friday madness….

On that note…have a nice day!  And don’t forget to use your pepper spray if anyone gets near you.

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
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15 Responses to Black Monday

  1. meg says:

    well said, celeste.

  2. klpeach323 says:

    hahahaha…black friday. and we wonder why the rest of the world views americans as materialistic assholes? huh go figure.

    notice in the vid of the wal-mart opening, you see a sweet old lady trying to push her cart through the mob, lolol. and the lady recording the vid to her 2 sons, “hey, go start a fight!” son 1, “no!”, son 2, “Okay!” …………christ almighty lol.

  3. Barskii says:

    A cupcake with a Candle in it just to say “Happy Birthday Jesus” would be just fine for all pepole on Earth to remember GOD’s Son Jesus.
    The Greed and selfishness is all Created by Mankind, Not GOD..
    Your desire to destroy Earth, to clean out the corruption and Greed,
    I believe happens every thirteen Hundred Years as a Cycle of life, that mankind keeps forgetting.

    Have a Blessed Christmas,
    light a candle on a cupcake & sing Happy Birthday Jesus, “You are the Gift to this World”

  4. Julie H. says:

    I think if you had a horde of chimps and threw bananas at them they would be better behaved.

  5. mdonohue says:

    Good piece,Celeste! It really makes you pause,and wonder how it all got to this point after starting out to be something beautiful and hopeful for people.I’m glad for the way I do things.Maybe it will give others a better idea of how to really celebrate a wonderful season.Love,Mom

  6. Josephine says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more C. And I say that as an atheist!

    As for shopping on Black Friday, I think I would rather be shot. 🙂

  7. Kris says:

    I almost died when i saw the pepper spray incident!!! Love the pictures….monkeys…funny! Loved that gold scarf, perhaps mom should have given that to john in his “gay phase”, along with the pencil case:)

  8. The elder sister says:

    I think I’d rather be in a prison lock down than shopping on Black Friday! What a bunch of greedy folks shop at walmart! You never see this at Neiman Marcus!

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