The “Elder Sister”

Well, she finally gave in and let me post this pretty picture of her. I still can’t tell you her name, so don’t ask (as if some of you don’t know), but she can’t stop me from talking about her…do you think we look alike? We’ve heard it before.

I will start by saying that over the years I developed a new found sympathy for the oldest child. Now that I’ve had many interactions with oldest children, including friends, bosses and boyfriends, I definitely think they have the toughest position in the family; because until another kid comes along it’s just the oldest one and the two adults that are going to eventually drive them into therapy. They are the parents guinea pig.  At least the other kids have a buffer between the parents, and the chance to watch what not to do.

I will also tell you that the elder sister and I had the most contentious relationship out of all the siblings. It was typical sibling rivalry because I was the youngest girl, so naturally she told me I was adopted. Believe me, I still wonder sometimes. She also thinks it’s hilarious that she told me that my patron saint was “Lucifer.” Although, that is pretty funny because at the time, I didn’t know who Lucifer was. Once I found out, a fight ensued. We used to torture each other in weird ways like waiting until one of us made her bed, then go and mess it up. We’d get into fights over important issues like hair products, things like who stole who’s scrunchie.

But she was also my girlie sister (which I loved because she cares about hair and makeup and Kris doesn’t), and yet another sibling with a great sense of humor. We have always laughed at really silly stuff together. For example, not that long ago, as two grown adults, we were driving through Virginia (this is when I was the nanny) and a guy cut us off. She is a crazy driver by the way. “Joey” was in the car with us so we couldn’t give the guy the finger, but instead, we put our thumb to our nose and wiggled our fingers at him. It was so immature, which made us laugh and the guy got so pissed off, which made us laugh harder. In fact, we laughed all the way home.

Anyway, as a teenager and young adult, she was the object of many men’s affection. She was so pretty and always got asked to proms and dances and guys just loved her. Of course, lots of girls were jealous of her, because although she was anything but quiet at home, she used to be a little shy in public. But the girls that were jealous of her were pretty much just a bunch of whores anyway.

Look at the dirty water...did we bathe once a month?

She’s really smart and always studied hard in school. You know those types? Real diligent, would study all night long. Anything I do all night long usually involves booze. She went on to become a nurse and worked with crazy kids for awhile. I hope she doesn’t get upset that I called them crazy but I don’t know what was wrong with them. Read the comments after this post, I’m sure she’ll tell us 🙂

She eventually met a really nice guy who tolerates my family to the best of his ability. A few times the Donohue’s converged on their household all at once and it sent him into the other room where he holed up in his office for long stretches. Hey, I get it. We should only be taken one or two at a time. She now has the “baby” of the family who just turned eight (“Joey”). So far she’s the only one to procreate and it’s looking like it just might stay that way.  I don’t know…John might get a puppy someday though.

Of course, she’s always the first one to try and organize the family getting together and that’s good because someone’s gotta do it, and it isn’t me. She definitely has taken on the role of being the one family member to stay in touch with extended family and all of those things I’m not good at. If it weren’t for Facebook (which I hate), I’d never know what any of my cousins were up to, so we need her to let us know if anyone is getting married, dying or having a baby.

I’ve learned a lot from all of my siblings, but as the oldest, we all looked up to her. The oldest kids are always the leader of the children and it must feel like a big responsibility when you’re young. Naturally, this makes her really bossy, as most oldest children are 🙂 Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. But she is a fun, silly, sweet and caring person and I feel lucky to have her as my sister…even if I am adopted.

p.s. She also taught me how to smoke pot out of a toilet paper roll….now that’s a good sister!  🙂

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About Death To Hollywood

My name is Celeste Donohue and I am a writer/comedian who started this blog to tell stories about my life growing up in a funeral home and my adult life which I have spent in Hollywood, California – hence the name, “Death To Hollywood”. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
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14 Responses to The “Elder Sister”

  1. The elder sister says:

    Oh Cee, that was sweet! We definitely had our battles because we’re both strong women who are passionate about our opinions and our scrunchies!! I love you and am so glad I have a girlie sister, although by the looks of the last picture ( a pipe ?) people might have thought I only had brothers! Love you tons!
    P.s.- Mom, I only showed Cee the toilet paper thing, I saw other kids use it, I only did it that one time you caught me I swear!!!!!;)

  2. Susie says:

    Yeah for the elder sister! Having known you both for 20+ years, and traveled with you both (the last trip to Aruba with the Elder was VERY funny) you share a lot of traits. Its doesnt matter if you are singing on the streets of London, taking over the bar in Maine after the Eleder’s wedding or just hanging in the kitchen I love being with the Donohues.

  3. Josephine says:

    Oh, Cee, what a great post about an obviously great sister!

    As a fellow oldest, I appreciate the “fair and balanced” report, ha, ha, as we are bossy but also pioneers. I know it was particularly galling to me as a teen, that I had to practically hire a lawyer in order to shave my legs and get a bra, and the younger siblings had no such trouble!

  4. Mr Maryknoll says:

    I sympathize with josephine. I had the exact same problem (the legs and the bra) and I wasn’t even the oldest.

  5. Kris says:

    Great story about “the elder sister”!!! She is a fabulous sister that has always looked out for us…..happy she was the guinea pig for all of us:) sorry i missed the arguments about the scrunchies…..for a while she was the only one that looked like a girl:) love you elder sister and miss you too!

  6. mdonohue says:

    Nice job,Celeste.All thse things are quite true about your oldest sister.She,s very generous,too.Of course all of you are,so maybe oldest sister set a good example.I love to hear such positive things about all of you.Love,Mom

  7. John Donohue says:

    Hi Babies!!

    That was really sweet and nice!! Thanks for taking the mistakes of young parents for us “Eldest”, you created a path that we could all follow. I love and miss you!! I love when we all get together!! I don’t mind the dysfunction! That’s a family!!! Love you all!!!

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