Did you make any resolutions? One of my resolutions is to cut down on judging people I don’t know (not stop, cut down. I can’t just stop cold turkey). This is a challenge for me. You know that saying, “You can’t judge a book by its cover?” Well, if you don’t read the book, the only way to judge it is by the cover, and if the cover happens to smell for example, chances are you’re not going to want to read the book anyway.
As much as I try to be an evolved person who sees others as fellow human beings just trying to make their way in the world, I instead see them as a bunch of dirty idiots. I think riding the train everyday has something to do with it. But I got a new Ipod for Christmas, and music really keeps me from focusing too much on the train filth. For example, I saw a man take a pen out of his chest pocket, put it in his ear, move it around a little, take a whiff of it, and then put it back in his pocket. I don’t know how many people I’ve seen picking their nose. Has picking your nose in public become acceptable now? It’s so common, I think people’s fingers are gonna put Kleenex out of business.
I wish other people would make smart New Year’s resolutions like not leaving their carts in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store while they selfishly peruse the shelves for their crap. I wish people riding the train would make a resolution to shower more often or to use pens for writing, not cleaning their ears. I wish people would make a resolution to not be assholes when they drive. I could go on and on about the resolutions other people should make.
According to USA.gov, these are the most popular New Year’s resolutions year after year:
*Drink Less Alcohol
*Eat Healthy Food
Get a Better Education
Reduce, Reuse and Recycle
*Take a Trip
Volunteer to Help Others
I put the stars next to things that I would like to accomplish this year…or someday. You will notice that I am not concerned with getting a better education, recycling, or helping others. First of all, I never liked school, secondly, my mom recycles enough for everyone, but I do recycle my empty vodka bottles (and by recycle I mean leaving the bottles next to the dumpster for the homeless people), and I volunteered twice and didn’t get the sense of satisfaction that I had hoped for.
The last time I volunteered to help, I did a stand-up routine at a benefit to save dogs. It was fairly disastrous, and yet funny because it was so bad. I was walking out of a Denny’s and a woman was handing out flyers to the benefit. I saw on the flyer that they were having entertainment and asked the woman about it. She said they were having dancers, music, comedians, etc., and I mentioned that I did stand-up. She asked for my info and then contacted me to do the “show.” The first indication of how it was gonna be should have been scoring the gig outside of a Denny’s, but comics are always looking for stage time, so I did it.
It took place in a parking lot outside on a really cloudy day and couldn’t have been a less conducive environment for stand-up, which is partly what made it funny. First of all, stand-up is never good outside. Ideally, it should be t night, in a room with low ceilings (to amplify laughter) and of course, there should be alcohol available. The stage at the dog benefit was all the way in the back of the parking lot behind a bunch of food trucks. After some belly dancers and some girl with a guitar performed a few depressing songs, they brought up a German comedian. That’s kind of any oxymoron isn’t it? No one was paying attention, kids were running around screaming, the rescue dogs were barking, people were eating food from the various food trucks, and all I could think was “LEAVE NOW.” But my brother came to it and ended up having a great time watching the train wreck of a show that it was. After the German comic did his set (who no one could understand), I got up and just had fun with the fact that I could say anything and no one gave a shit. I was making jokes about dogs licking their balls in public (it was a dog benefit) and how people should stop having kids (as a bunch of kids sat there eating corn dogs), and I might have mentioned that a kangaroo has three vaginas (punch line: which is one more than a male figure skater)…you know, kid friendly material.
I saw my brother standing off to the side laughing his ass off because he knew I was dying, and seeing him laugh made it even funnier, especially since no one else was even listening. When I got off stage, this guy told me I was really funny and then proceeded to tell me that George Carlin did a bit about dogs licking their balls in public. So to add insult to injury, after the horrible set, this guy basically told me I was a hack. It was so bad, it was funny. But at least I knew two people were listening.
Maybe one of my resolutions should be to not score gigs at Denny’s anymore. A few years ago I did a show on New Year’s Eve at the Universal Sheraton Hotel. At the time, I was working with this Armenian guy who had a cover band on the side. He told me he’d pay me $200 to sing that night at the party. I’ll never turn down a paying gig, but who knew I’d end up singing 80s disco hits to a bunch of Armenians on New Year’s Eve? Oh well, a gig’s a gig.
I hope 2012 is a great year for all of you. I am anticipating it to be an excellent year. It definitely couldn’t be worse than 2011…unless of course, my mom dies (I said that to her and we both laughed, just so you know :))
So, what’s your resolution? Did you even bother to make one, or are you realistic enough to know that they’re always shot to hell by February anyway?
Have a happy Tuesday and a rockin’ 2012!!