100 Times

 

St. Alice, our grade school

Did you have the unfortunate experience of going to Catholic school? We did. All four of us went to St. Alice Catholic school where there were some really shitty nuns and teachers. For example, I used to get in trouble once in awhile for talking, are you surprised? This nun in 7th grade used to make us write our names on the board when we would get in trouble, and that way she could keep track of who she was keeping after school or handing out a punishment to. But instead of just telling us to sign our name, she would tell us to “write our John Hancock” on the board. Isn’t that stupid? It always irritated me when she would say it, so one time when I got in trouble for talking and she told me to write my John Hancock on the board, I actually wrote “John Hancock”…and then I got in more trouble.

She clearly saw this as me being a wiseass, which is true, but she just went ballistic and told me that I had to write the following 100 times: “Obedience is a virtue, a virtue is acquired through practice, silence is also a virtue, therefore I must practice being quiet.” Yeah. 100 fucking times! And I did it.  I should’ve told her to suck it 100 times, because after I spent hours writing it, when I turned it in the next morning, she took it from me and proceeded to rip it up in front of my face.  And you call that an education? Suck it sister!  

I don’t know if you remember that story awhile ago about the nine year olds who plotted to “hurt” their teacher. The kids were caught before they were able to go through with it, but they brought duct tape to tape her mouth shut, handcuffs, a steak knife, and planned on knocking her out with a paper weight! Isn’t that crazy? The authorities said what was so odd was how well-planned their scheme was. I remember reading it and looking back on my John Hancock experience and thinking, “I wish those kids were in my class.” I would’ve stabbed her with a steak knife if I had the balls.

My brother was an altar boy for awhile and one week he had to be at mass every morning at 6:30. Part of the altar boy “uniform” were black socks, and one morning he couldn’t find any black socks so he wore white ones.  Uh oh, big mistake. White socks…bad! God hates altar boys who wear white socks.

You better not be wearing white socks boys

Two days later there was an altar boy meeting and Father Collins (who was not the priest saying mass when John had the white socks on) called John out. He said, “Mr. Donohue, you were wearing white socks on the altar on Wednesday, so I want you to write “I will not wear white socks on the altar” 100 times and turn it in at the next meeting. John knew that one of the other altar boys ratted him out since Father Collins wasn’t the one saying mass that day, so John didn’t do it. At the next meeting Father Collins said, “Mr. Donohue, do you have something for me?” John played dumb and said “What do you mean?”

Father Collins: You were supposed to write “I will not wear white socks on the altar” 100 times.

John: Oh, I forgot Father.

Father Collins: Okay, Mr. Donohue, 200 times. “I will not wear white socks on the altar.”

At the next meeting the same thing played out.

Father Collins: Mr. Donohue, do you have something for me?

John: What do you mean, Father?

Father Collins: Your writing assignment?

John: Uh, I forgot Father.

Father Collins: Okay, Mr. Donohue, 300 times. “I will not wear white socks on the altar.”

Of course John didn’t do it.  At the next meeting, the same thing played out and Father Collins got furious and said, “Do you want to be here Mr. Donohue?

John: Not really.

Father Collins: You’re fired.

Fired? From what? A non-paying job? Some job. As far as I can remember all the altar boys did was swing incense and hold a little plate under people’s mouths so they wouldn’t drop “Christ” on the floor.

Now you would think this kind of crap would stop after grade school. But no. When John was a sophomore in high school he got in trouble for talking and laughing all the time with this one particular friend, so naturally the teacher separated them. He put John in the back of the room and there were a few rows of desks separating John from the other students.

John's high school

One day John started making “meow” sounds, but very quietly. Everyone started to look around to try and figure out where it was coming from. John started to look around too, so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. But the teacher knew it was him and said, “Donohue, 100 times, “I am not a cat.”

John wrote that one, but that was easy…unlike the one I had to write.

About a month later John was in the same class again with the same teacher, and being that it was a Catholic school, each day started with prayers. John, strictly for his own entertainment, turned towards the wall during prayers knowing that the rest of the class would see him. And of course, after prayers were finished, the teacher said, “Donohue, 100 times. “I am not a Muslim.”

Now, that’s just funny…especially since John didn’t know what a Muslim was. (of course, this was pre 9-11 and we all know what it is now)

Anyway, I never understood how writing anything 100 times helped anyone. Those priests, nuns and teachers can all suck it as far as I’m concerned.

But….

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend

Have a great weekend….okay, you see where I’m going with this.

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in catholic church, family, funeral home, weird and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to 100 Times

  1. barskii says:

    Wow !!
    No wonder why you are in the entertainment Business You were taught “Repitition”
    Just think you could have become a Weather Forcaster “Sunny and Bright” / “Cloudy with a Chance of Rain” (All they do is write their Forcast 100 times and refer to their notes)
    Now days, News reporters have to read from the TELEPROMPTER – can you spell “DUH”.
    Your teachers lost the fact, that you had “Leadership Quailities” that should have been enhanced – not Punished. (They call that ADD now days & have pills for that)
    Who needs a pill ?????? Line up little Children !!!!

  2. The elder sister says:

    That was funny!!!! I love grade school Stories! Kids are funny , and serious adults and kids make for a ridiculous mix! I think comedians should be the one’s to teach school, they could be entertaining to the kids and they’d get a boat load of material for their night time gigs! You’d be a great teacher and you get the front of the room all to yourself! Can you say, captive audience?? And you don’t have the 2 drink minimum!

  3. Josephine says:

    There is no way I would have survived Catholic school. My mother mentioned it once and I told her I would run away. Not that that mattered. It was probably the money and the fact that she was completely pissed when the nuns told my younger sister there was no Santa.

    I barely made it through catechism classes. I am surprised I did not catch on fire for all the trouble I caused there. I remember one time, my nun stopped me coming into mass but it wasn’t the super early mass we were supposed to attend. I was about 8 or 9 and came with my dad.

    She starts giving me crap right at the door of the church, with him standing there! So I told her, “How am I supposed to get here without one of my parents bringing me? Fly? Besides, I said, my dad gets up at 4 am every day to go to work, including every other Saturday and if he wants to sleep in on Sunday, God should understand!”

    My dad stood there with his mouth hanging open, she got all red in the face and never said one more word to me.

    Score one for the infidel in this life. I guess I will have to wait and see if she is there on the other side waiting with the damn ruler. 🙂

    Have a great weekend!

    • Wow! That is impressive. I wish I had the balls to tell the nuns what I thought. I think that must be a lot of Catholic school kids fantasy, to go back as an adult and tell them all the stuff you wish you did when you were suffering their shit. Good for you, Jo!!

  4. Kris says:

    Cee…..I had to write that same stupid thing….”obedience is a virtue….etc”…..didn’t teach me a damn thing….still being disobedient and NOT silent!!! She was the same crazy nun that told mom I wasn’t afraid of her….AFRAID…..really? is that what she wanted the kids to feel? afraid in school? Mom really gave it to her and the rest of the year for me in 7th grade was a cake walk……you don’t want to get mom involved in her kids feeling afraid or any other bad feelings….especially in school! The stories about Johnny are great! I love the fact that he didn’t do what he was told:) Happy Saturday to you, Seester!!

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