A Life Coach and Suicide

One thing I like about LA is that I meet so many other people that question their life choices as much as I do. I’m pretty sure that there isn’t one person in LA that hasn’t considered killing themselves at one time or another. Not a day goes by that you don’t say to yourself, “What am I doing with my life?” I had dinner with a comedian friend the other night and he said he wishes that someone could just tell him what to do to make his life work. I think that’s called a Life coach. How do you become a life coach anyway? When do you start thinking your shit is so together that it’s time to start telling other people how to live their life? Pretty ballsy if you ask me.

I was watching that show “What Would You Do?” one night. Have you seen it? It’s where they make up scenarios of people doing something wrong to see if other people will step up and say something. I’m the perfect candidate for that show. I live to confront people who are making society worse. Anyway, this girl I knew from high school was on there, but not as one of the people in the scenarios, she was kind of a consultant for the show regarding that particular scene and her title was “Life Coach.”  I almost fell out of my chair.

I’m not gonna name her because I want to continue to make fun of her. So naturally I googled her and she wrote a book (not putting the exact title) about how to “get and keep a wonderful man.” I almost puked on my computer. Do I have to go into my diatribe about the women’s movement again? Are we so desperate as women that we have to write books on how to get and keep a man? I can’t even roll my eyes enough. And, not only is she a life coach, apparently she considers herself to be a dating and relationship coach too. She’s single by the way. I guess she forgot to read her book.

Back to the people in LA, I saw my neighbor the other day, and we were chatting about this and that. I told him I wanted to kill myself that day and he said, “you too, huh?” and we laughed because it’s like a running joke in this city. Everyone is on the verge of suicide all the time. My theory is  because a majority of the people in this city aren’t doing what they really want to be doing. When I go to other places, people seem nice and relatively content with their lives. But not in LA. Everyone seems angry and miserable and generally pissed off because they have to wait tables instead of being on TV, or they have to work as a customer service rep but they really want to be a rock star.

But it’s not just that, it’s all the waiting in line…and nothing makes me more suicidal than waiting in line.  Everywhere you go and everything you do involves waiting in some kind of line with a lot of unhappy people.  I think I’ve spent more time waiting in lines in this city than I have waiting tables…that’s A LOT of waiting. Nothing is easy in this city.

the worst thing about LA!!

NOTHING!! (except for accumulating parking tickets). I’m sure you’ve heard about the traffic in LA. It’s brutal and it gets worse every year. You basically have a two hour window where you probably won’t hit traffic….and that’s between 2 and 4am. What we need is another big earthquake to clear out some of the undesirables.

Now back to the coaching. You know how a major league team has a lot of coaches? In football, there’s the head coach, a defensive line coach, maybe an offensive line coach, I don’t really know, and maybe some other ones? That’s what I would like to have…a whole bunch of coaches; one for my personal life, one for my working life, one to explain football to me.

I'm wearing the helmet...

Do you ever threaten to kill yourself? I do all the time. I told my current boss that I was going to, and he said he’d help me. I told a former boss that I no longer had the will to live and he said, “I never thought you did anyway.” Obviously, they don’t take my threats seriously. Neither does my brother. Whenever I tell him  I’m gonna kill myself he says, “You ain’t got the guts.” And he’s right.

I just like to say it. It’s fun for me. And I also know that most of the city of Los Angeles is right there with me :).  Have a wonderful day!

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in celebrities, death, funerals, Hollywood, weird and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to A Life Coach and Suicide

  1. meg says:

    celeste, was this and NDA girl … so much for the all-girl empowerment-thing. YUCK.

  2. the elder sister says:

    A city full of people not doing what they want to do, but when they get what they want, they can’t handle the sudden rush of what they wanted and they are still unhappy, and suicidal, and some of those folks succeed at suicide, they just did it when they were “famous” for not being who they really are (stage persona, actor acting, etc.)…….??? I don’t think a coach can fix that…..maybe a moving van and a new city to live in.

  3. Josephine says:

    Hey Celeste, get with the program. Life coaches are therapists without degrees and therapists are totally fucked up most of the time. (And I say that as someone who was going to be a therapist until the lovely Mr. J sidetracked me into environmental science.)

    I wouldn’t be surprised if at the secret life coach conventions, they sign pledges to keep really sane and balanced people out of the club.

    As for suicide, it is a good thing Bear is not there with you. He was a TA at UCSC who was studying suicide and he gave lectures to all the classes about how you should ALWAYS take a suicide threat seriously. I know what he means but I know what you mean too. As a somewhat dramatic person, or maybe it is just the Italian, I always say that too. 🙂

  4. Kal says:

    I could be your Punctuation Coach. After all, it’s important to make sure your suicide note is properly punctuated….

  5. barskii says:

    Wow !!

    It sounds like a encampment out there?? Lines, Lines, Everywhere Lines??

    The sanity of Life is: ” Never allow anyone to Tell You What You Need To Do” (those are Your Choices Only)
    Those People do not know what You Need..
    as Your Friend being a Dating Coach & How to keep a man (away from Her) and being single?

    It’s like asking someone who has never been Married & Divorced, advice about a Divorce??
    They have no Idea what they are talking about – They are idioits – but they are making money for their effort??? sounds like waiting in traffic sux also – I bet you have millions of street lights too??

    Did You know mankind made Street lights to keep you from looking up at the Stars at night??
    So you would not be in awl of the beauty of the Heavens – They just wanted you to see the Street in front of you – nothing beyond !!!
    A person without Imigination, Desire, or a Goal is just wasting space! (so Dream big, accept reality, set up a plan, and go for it)
    Your choice to live or Die is Yours alone, (please don’t choose it lightly)
    Your a winner, Your a winner, Your a winner, does that sound like a coach looking out for you?
    Your Mom has always been Your Life Coach – Have You thanked Her For that Today??
    ~ B ~

  6. klpeach323 says:

    probably one of the more entertaining posts… riddled with honest truth. and yes, life coaches are the biggest assholes on planet earth, well, maybe right after LA parking enforcers!

  7. mdonohue says:

    Killing yourself is easy,living life while creating meaning out of our mess,takes enormous courage.That’s why you don’t kill yourself,because you have enormous courage.Love,Mom

  8. Donna says:

    Hey Celeste. I saw the show you were talking about and was surprised to see a certain someone from our HS Class on TV. U crack me up about what you mentioned in your blog. That’s so funny. She was so stuck on herself back then that I am surprised she took the time to study other people and their behaviors!!

    Love, love all that you write. It really makes my day and look forward to reading each one. Keep it up!!

  9. John Donohue says:

    Mom has always been our life coach, because she loves us without question!! Thanks Mom!!!!

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