Lent and CrAzY MikE!

SINNERS!

Well, Lent is in full swing and in case you’re not Catholic and unsure of what it is, I’ll tell you. Apparently, some other Christian religions also observe Lent, but I don’t know which ones they are and don’t really care because I’m not down with Lent. For the believer, it’s the practice of prayer and penitence, self-denial and repentance. Oops, you lost me at self-denial.

All I know is that as a kid, we were told to give up something we liked and we had to eat fish on Friday, and I hate fish. Kids would give up stuff like candy and soda but I never stuck to mine. I treated it no differently than my New Year’s resolutions.

maybe everyone should give up Facebook for Lent!

 

These  40 days of self-denial and no candy leads up to Holy week which includes Good Friday. Of course, you know what Good Friday is; when Jesus had the crap beaten out of him and was forced to hang on the cross for three hours. Three hours? Jesus Christ! That must be how people started saying “Jesus Christ!” as an exclamation. Did you see that Jew hater, Mel Gibson’s movie “The Passion of the Christ?”

Wait, first let me trash Mel Gibson for a second. He is such an asshole! A racist, rude, abusive, disgusting scumbag! Okay good, I feel better now.

I was talking to a friend about that movie the other day and what a massive hit it was when it came out, and I remember my boyfriend at the time wanted to see it and I asked incredulously, “Why?”

I couldn’t believe it. In fact, I couldn’t believe so many people were interested in seeing it. I thought everyone knew that story. Well, I was wrong, and I know the story so well, of course, thanks to 10 years of Catholic school, that I remember thinking, “Why would I want to go see a film version of a horrible story where Jesus gets almost beaten to death and then is forced to hang on a cross with nails hammered through his hands and feet for three hours in the hot sun. I also knew Hollywood would make it graphic and bloody and gruesome (and I was right), and I just didn’t want to see it because when I finally was old enough to understand the story of what happened to Jesus, it made me sad.

cleaned up version

Hollywood version

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every Lent for eight years of Catholic school, we would spend three hours in church on Friday doing the Stations of the Cross. There was a lot of praying and kneeling involved…and of course, a lot of laughing, and we all know church laughter is the worst. There were times I was laughing so hard I thought my head would explode, which would have been a lot more fun than the Stations of the Cross.  Here they are:

  1. Jesus is condemned to death
  2. Jesus accepts the cross
  3. Jesus falls the first time
  4. Jesus meets his Mother
  5. Simon of Cyrene carries the cross
  6. Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
  7. Jesus falls the second time
  8. Jesus meets the women of jerusalem
  9. Jesus falls the third time
  10. Jesus is stripped of His garments
  11. Crucifixion: Jesus is nailed to the cross
  12. Jesus dies on the cross
  13. Jesus’ body is removed from the cross
  14. Jesus is laid in the tomb and covered in incense    

Isn’t that horrible? Poor Jesus. And this brutal treatment was done to save us? Jesus died for our sins? Does that make any sense to you, because I’ve never quite understood that. So, naturally I googled that question:  How did Jesus dying save us from our sins?

This was a random answer I found while googling:

“God sent Jesus on this earth to die on the cross for us. Jesus took all of our sins, and took our punishment that we should have receiven. Instead of us being on that cross, Jesus loved us soooooo much, that He did it for us. BUT, we can only go to Heaven and be saved if we believe on Him, repent of our sin and know how awful we are, and accept God’s free gift of salvation. Jesus took my sin, your sin, and everyone’s sin on Him, because He loved us so much!!!!” 

Whoever wrote this answer doesn’t seem too bright, is “receiven” a word?  But this is the basic idea, right?  This is what people believe, right? It has never made sense to me. I don’t understand how Jesus dying is really doing any good for anybody. What does “dying for our sins” even mean and how does that help us?

Just because you believe in Jesus doesn’t mean you’re going to heaven, if there even is a heaven, and if there is a heaven there better be a buffet! What if you’re a mean person but you believe in Jesus? Would God want you in heaven if you’re mean? I don’t’ think so. What if you’re a really nice person, but you don’t believe in God? Do you think God would let you in heaven anyway? I do. But who knows?  If Jesus saved us, why is there a hell? Did he only save some of us? Am I going to hell? Sometimes I think we’re already there. Anyway, I don’t really buy it. But I like Jesus and all his “teachings.” Jesus was all about being nice to everyone, and more importantly, he could turn water into wine! Why would you kill that guy? That’s the guy you want at all your parties. Stupid humans.

I can see how religion can really drive people over the edge with all the fear, guilt and suffering that’s attached to strict religious practices. Forget it, I’d rather go to hell. In fact, I know someone who truly was driven over the edge, and of course, he was a regular at our church, St. Alice. Tune in tomorrow so you can read about CrAzY MiKe!

 

 

 

Just a side note: Did you ever notice that the people in the Bible have no last names…it’s always “Jesus of Nazareth” or “Simon of Cyrene” or “John the Baptist” .  Although I think that’s weird, from now on I want you to start calling me “Celeste of NoHo” (short for North Hollywood)

Have a blessed day! 🙂

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
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24 Responses to Lent and CrAzY MikE!

  1. meg says:

    great post celeste!

  2. Joe and Julie says:

    Oh brother…did that bring back memories, C. I never met a guy that could change water into wine, but if i did, like you said, I sure as hell wouldn’t kill him.
    One of your best, C.

  3. mdonohue says:

    Dear Celeste of NoHo.You bring up good questions.Too bad we can’t dialogue about it.I think it would be rather lively.Can’t wait to read about what happens to people who believe,and don’t question.Love,Mom

  4. the elder sister says:

    A letter to Celeste of NoHo: When will you discuss the “‘Cis’ites”? What about the Charasmatics and DeColores? We lived to see “Brother Sun and Sister Moon” , “Godspell”, not to mention “Jesus Christ Superstar”! Do you not believe? Do you not think these exposures in our childhood need mentioning? Trust me when I say, it will be hilarious………the word of the Elder Sister…..Thanks be to mom!

  5. Barskii says:

    I am a “No Ho” too !!
    This planert is the planet of Choices & Truths
    The Choices You make, are the Truths You shall live out,
    on your short stay upon the Earth & the Seas!
    It looks like the people forgot the Why’s of their Lord?
    it seems, I remember rules of this planet, The Commandments.
    Mel Gibson & the fakes for glory have made their choices, I also never seen the movie.
    Large Questions, Simple Answers.
    Faith, Trust, Honesty, Honor, Friendship, Love, Happiness, Fear, Respect, are the things you can not buy or sell – most of them – You have to give to recieve.
    I would give My life, to save my Childs Life anytime !!

  6. klpeach323 says:

    really funny post…. can’t wait to hear about crazy mike. What’s really funny are the stories from the old testament:

    noah’s ark, moses parting the red sea, adam and eve, david and goliath, etc… all these stories are allegorical and should not be taken literally.

  7. Kris says:

    Celeste of NoHo…..amen about killing the guy who turned water into wine…..were they crazy? Poor Jesus! What sins do we have when we are newborn babies who haven’t done anything but cry, poop and eat….i don’t get that either!!! Great questions….great post…..love and peace to all during this lenten (receiven) season……Kris of Yarmouth

  8. Josephine says:

    I agree with you completely about the movie. I would never want to see it and fortunately no one I knew wanted me to go with them so I avoided it.

    A nun told me that Jesus was the substitute for the sacrifices that the Jews made according to their laws. Blood sacrifices were a big part of their ritual. Jesus threw out the money changers at the temple but also threw out the people who sold sacrificial doves. A lot of people brought animals but some people bought doves right there. So, that was all supposed to end because Jesus became the last sacrifice. I was a little surprised she told us that because it was stuff right from the Bible and I was told very firmly that we were not in catechism to learn the Bible but about the rules of mother church. I guess she was a rogue nun. 🙂

    Not that any of this is supposed to make a lot of sense but there you go.

    By the way, I still have that Bee Gee song stuck in my head, you pest. LOL

  9. John Donohue says:

    What about when Kris and i spoke in tongues? Religion is about control and fear!!! Jesus was a nice guy who wanted everyone to have fun and be nice to each other. It was the people who wanted to control and instill fear into others that killed him!! I don’t believe in Religion for myself.

  10. Suzie of Darling says:

    OMG, I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks, I needed that!

  11. Mary Lewis says:

    You can tell we all went to the same grade school – they really knew how to make you run away from organized religion! Remember having to wear a tissue on your head if you forgot your veil?

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