The Shows I Love to Hate

Last night I flipped on the TV and it just so happened that American Idol was on. Let me start by saying I hate American Idol and all the other singing shows, so if you are a fan of any of them, then read on at your own risk, and at the risk of hating me when you’re done.

Let’s start with the judges:

Jennifer Lopez – should she really be judging a singing show? Aside from being pretty and having a good body, I forgot what her talent is. Oh wait, her ass is her talent, that’s right. Her laugh is really annoying and she tells everyone they’re great, even if they suck. But then again, that’s probably what people do to her. Then there’s Randy “dog” Jackson. Yes, he’s a musician, he used to be Mariah Carey’s musical director, but between calling everyone “dude, dog,” and saying “yo” every four seconds , he hasn’t earned my respect as a judge or as a human being. And don’t get me started on Steven Tyler. After being the lead singer of Aerosmith and then becoming a judge on American Idol is a whole other level of confusion for me. How can he sleep at night? How did he go from singing classics like “Dream On” and “Last Child” to telling glorified karaoke stars how moved he is watching them wreck a classic rock song? It kills me. Mick Jagger wouldn’t never do that, and if he did, I’d kill myself.

Although I don’t watch American Idol on a regular basis, I’ll tune in from time to time just to hate it. I miss Simon Cowell (kinda). Sure, he was a dick, but at least he didn’t go easy on those little bitches and I agreed with him most of the time. But he is one of the creators of the show, so that’s a problem right there, and now he’s moved on to the X Factor, which I’ve seen twice and was also consumed with hatred.

I’m just not impressed with the level of talent on these shows. I’m not easily impressed by someone who can just sing someone’s else’s song well. What about the writing? What about playing an instrument? What about performance skills? What about sweating it out in clubs? What about paying your dues? You know why so many music acts suck now? Because of computers. No one really has to play an instrument, and no one has to be a good singer thanks to auto-tuning. As far as I’m considered, you’re nothing until you’ve played at some dive bar in Reseda to five drunk people and one of them keeps yelling at you  to sing “Freebird.”

And I’m not saying that there’s NO talent on these shows, but I really do see it as a form of karaoke but with a band and backup singers. I think I’m predicting the black guy, Joshua Ledet to win, and that was my prediction when I saw it a few weeks ago. He goes nuts when he sings and people love that shit. But that little Mexican/Asian (I’m still unsure of her ethnicity) is really good for a 16 year old, so maybe I’m predicting her. Actually, forget the predictions, I don’t care who wins because I hate the show. Did I mention that?  The other guy is a wannabe Dave Matthews and the little blonde bores me. I’m yawning right now just thinking about it.

Leave the money on the night stand

Another spectacle is The Voice: the show where you can be ugly and still get a shot singing on national TV. I could probably just leave it at that, but again, I’m not impressed with what I’ve seen so far. It’s all forgettable as far as I’m concerned and why does Christina Aguilera always look like a hooker? Adam Levine is a flaming metrosexual and C. Lo Green just annoys me for no good reason. And who the hell is Blake Shelton? I know he’s some country singer and that’s why he doesn’t matter.

I want these singing shows that showcase mediocrity to die and instead, they just keep making new ones. There’s a new one coming out called “Duets”, where the judges are also part of the competition. OMG! Can we contain our excitement? Did you just pee a little? I can’t roll my eyes enough. But I’ll tune in just to hate it.

The highest level of talent on any reality talent is the show “So You Think You Can Dance.” If you can get past the super gay show title and the really annoying judges and choreographers, and focus just on the talent, it’s the best of any reality talent show on TV. But the reason I think American Idol is more popular is that everyone has sang karaoke and pictured themselves as a rock star or at least a bad lounge act, but you can’t really do that as a dancer. There’s no dance karaoke. So my point is; that is the only reality talent show that I support….well, and The Biggest Loser because I consider the ability to lose weight, real talent.

I just remembered that The Bachelorette is coming back on soon, but that’s not as fun to watch as The Bachelor because the men don’t cry, they’re just really dumb and awkward and that’s not as fun to watch as desperate girls crying and begging.

can’t you see that I’m hurting??

I’ve never seen Survivor, the Amazing Race or any of those types of reality shows. I actually hate reality TV. I wonder how many times I’ve said “hate” so far?  You know what else I hate? When you say you hate something and someone says “hate is a strong word”. Hello? That’s why I use it. If I’m gonna not like something, I’m not gonna do it half-assed, I’m gonna hate it….just the way I hate peas and leaf blowers.

By the way, I was planning on telling you a funeral related story since I haven’t told you one in awhile, but that plan was high jacked thanks to stupid American Idol. Perhaps I’ll write on for you tomorrow, which also happens to be my last day at a job I hate. Let the celebration begin!!

Today is thirsty Thursday, so I expect all of you to be drinking by noon. Have a great day! 🙂

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
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12 Responses to The Shows I Love to Hate

  1. barskii says:

    Good morning Honey !
    Did you have a nightmare last night ??
    it seems, I heard you say something about Karaoke in Jollywood.
    Hugs & Kisses – I Love You Too !

    ~ Blake ~ 🙂

  2. Cissie donohue alias Mom says:

    Rant1 Rant1Rant! Change the channel and relax.Love,Mom

  3. Cissie donohue alias Mom says:

    Did the background change?Mom

  4. the elder sister says:

    Oh Cee! Hollywood is just one big recycling company. They never make anything new, it’s all remakes (Dark Shadows, anyone), remake songs, and the only thing new they churn out are shows that make Americans look stupid or desperate…..so I only watch the news or animal planet! Reading is a good form of entertainment…….

  5. Josephine says:

    The terrible life of a comedian! You have to watch/listen to so much crap so you can mine it for your comedy! I feel especially sorry for people like Jon Stewart who have to watch Fox News because those people are so hateful, but the reality shows run a close second.

    I have been roped into watching a few reality shows and I agree with you about the singing ones vs dancing. I might give the cooking and designer shows a bit of a pass too but all the others are not real at all. You don’t have to kill and eat the other team on The Survivor for instance. You just do stupid things to win a can of dog food.

    Hollywood loves them because they are cheap. People do them because everyone wants their 15 minutes. People watch them because they like to gossip and live vicariously instead of getting up off the couch to do something real themselves.

    There. I ranted you back. Do I win? Let’s ask the judges, LOL.

    Seriously, I just feel the same way you do about it, so I couldn’t help myself. 🙂

  6. barskii says:

    Are Ya’ll talking about that square box in the coner with the tubie thing out the back???
    I have been trying for years to figure out how to plug it in – Now, it just Sounds like a big hassel once it comes on??
    Guess I’ll go fishing 🙂

  7. Kris says:

    At least we get a good laugh out of these shows…….you know me, Cee…easily entertained. Give me an hour of crappy TV to calm me down at the end of my day and a nice Chianti and I am all set. I would like to see more substance on TV and less flesh and cursing…kids see some bad stuff now that we were never exposed too…..like Snooky and Pauly D…….that’s bad TV!!!!

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