Summer Maintenance

Hi readers,

Sorry for the lack of posts this week, I’ve been preparing for my yard sale tomorrow that won’t be in yard, but on a corner, at an intersection. I love having yard sales, although kind of a pain in the ass, I love getting rid of stuff and selling my crap to others. It’s the perfect time because the weather has been so nice, but I know summer is just around the corner and you know what that means? A lot of freakin’ maintenance is what it means.

More shaving, more pedicures, self-tanning, self-starving. I don’t like summer, it’s too much work and I despise hot weather.  In fact, the ONLY thing I like about summer is swimming, except my building doesn’t have a pool, which means if I want to go swimming, I have to go to a public pool and swim in other people’s pee. But I guess my hatred for the hot weather is more than my hatred of swimming in pee, so I do it. I go to the public pool. It’s a nice Olympic size pool and they rope off lanes to do laps in the deep end, which I believe is a little further away than most of the pee in the shallow end where the kids are. At least that’s what I tell myself.

You might ask, “You live in Southern California, why don’t you just go swimming at the beach?” Because the ocean is filthy. A couple years ago, 100,000 people got sick over the course of the summer from swimming in the water off the beaches of Socal. They got gastrointestinal ailments, which most likely means diarrhea. No thanks! I can get that without swimming in the ocean.

The beach is only good if you want to lay in the sun. Don’t get me wrong, if I lived closer, I’d be at the beach all the time, but it’s such a  hassle to get from the Valley to the West side that it becomes a special occasion to go to the beach. I used to love to lay in the sun until I was burnt to a crisp. As a teenager and young adult, I’d lay there for hours until I looked like this:

We’ve all seen her by now, right?

this is the best one….in case you were wondering

Anyway, I wear sun block now and use self tanner because I can’t bear summer without a tan, but we all know we’ll get cancer and our skin will fall off if we stay in the sun for longer than 10 minutes at a time.

Don’t you find it ironic that white people love to be tan and try to get their skin darker to the point of tanning booths and spraying it on, and yet black people have suffered at the hands of white people for years just because their skin is darker? I always found that so interesting. Racism is clearly idiotic.

Anyway, back to the maintenance. I’m so jealous that men don’t have to do the same kinds of things that women do to look their best. No shaving, no foot care (why don’t men take care of their feet?), they don’t have to wear makeup or fix their hair or use toilet seat covers, not to mention the obvious reasons like periods and babies. And to prove that being a woman is much more challenging (to say the least), just ask one man if he would rather be a woman than a man….and there’s your proof.

Side note: I think it should be a law that men have to have a pedicure four times a year.

I would love to be a guy, aside from the penis and balls.  But that’s just an outsider looking in, what do I know? Luckily I don’t have that package to deal with. I got my own problems…like faking my tan.

I hope all of you have a splendid weekend ! 🙂

I almost forgot…. I watched the premiere of The Bachelorette the other night, and at the end of the show, four guys were eliminated (I think it was four). Anyway, one of them CRIED!  You know how I love when reality contestants cry. And of course, he cried because he was hoping to find true love with this broad he met for 10 minutes. WOULDN’T YOU CRY TOO???? 😀

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
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5 Responses to Summer Maintenance

  1. barskii says:

    Real men get a pedicure every now & then – then they walk with happy Feet for a week – until all the other Harley guys wive’s find out and tell their biker husbands…. “they need to be more open to new things and get their scratchy feet fixed” –

    Hell, Most guys are just affraid they will have to go shopping next !!!

    WO-MAN are special they have at least two Isle’s in every drug Store ????

    Man has one corner of one Isle – Condoms, foot cream and crotch itch cream- every body has access to the ASS BURNS – Oh, I ment to say aspirins !!! 🙂

    WHAT !!!!! I can’t believe you would confess to a fake tan in Sothern California ????

    Have a Great Yard sale !!!!
    ~ BAR ~

  2. Kris says:

    Love the picture of the weird tan lady…….so crazy and strange! Fake tanning is the way to go……I am so sad I missed the premiere of the Bachelorette….the guy cried?? Must have MOMMY issues…. after 10 minutes of meeting his potential bride…..HAHAHAHAHA

  3. barskii says:

    I would not cry only after 10 minutes of meeting anyone – not even Love at first sight –
    it takes at least three weeks just to find out if the Girl is a psycho or not, – but I also thought Speed dating was a drug party where every body was taking speed – so what do I know??
    Are you sure the girl with the dark dark tan isn’t a Raisnette??? or a Plum carzy Prune Chick?
    Good morning Sunshine – enjoy your Yard selling Party !!!

    ~ BAR ~

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