If you’ve been reading along for awhile then you know that my first dance job was as a giant mouse. That’s right, a big, dirty rodent. I played Feivel’s mother in American Tail: Feivel Goes West, an animated movie by Steven Spielberg about a family of mice who move from Minsk to Green River, Utah.
Why Utah? Of all the cool places you could go in the United States, why would anyone go to Utah? Don’t tell me it’s because of the Mormons and their magic underwear. You know about the Mormon magic underwear, right? Although, I’d love to slip into a pair of those and see what they feel like. They better vibrate.
Does Mitt Romney wear magic underwear?
Anyway, the American Tail show was a live children’s show at Universal Studios theme park and naturally, the audience members were kids and their parents. There was a character in the show named “Gussie.” The character was an older female and I have no idea what her role in the show was, so we’ll just pretend she was the Madam mouse of the mouse brothel. On one of the dance teams, Gussie was played by a guy who was one of a set of identical twins that were in the show. Since they were identical twins, then I don’t have to tell you that both of them were black. The other twin played on the other team as a different mouse character.
Gussie, like my character, had to look through the “mouth” part of the giant head to see, which was a hole covered by a little screen, and depending on whether the sun was shining on it, you could sometimes get a glimpse in and see our face a little bit. After the show, we were required to do “meet and greets” with the kids. If I was in the mood, I’d stay and do it, sometimes I would run back to the trailer before the audience got out because I wasn’t in the mood to socialize and do my job. But when I did, the kids were usually cute, but sometimes they were little assholes too. Some kid punched one of the characters in the stomach. Lucky for that kid it wasn’t me because I’d punch the kid right back. Maybe not as myself, but dressed as a giant mouse? I wouldn’t hesitate.
Just kidding. I don’t believe in hitting kids, but I fully support hitting parents whose kids hit theme park characters. I mean, c’mon? What kind of parenting are you doing when your kid thinks it’s okay to punch a mouse, or a person in a mouse costume? We were trying to entertain the little bastards for chrissake!
This one time, the whole cast was out in the area behind the stage doing a meet and greet with the kids. Gussie bent over a little bit to shake the hand of a kid, and the kid was able to see into the mouth, saw the human face and screamed out, “GUSSIE ATE A BLACK MAN!” Everyone immediately turned to see what was happening and Gussie was standing there shaking her head as if to say “No, I didn’t eat a black man. I AM a black man.” The kid was backing away towards his parents as the rest of the cast watched on in hysterics. None of the characters were allowed to talk so I hope the parents cleared that up for the kid. Little idiot. 😀
Working in a theme park is definitely an experience. You get to see children at their most annoying and Japanese tourists at their most captivated. I don’t know what it is about Hollywood and Universal Studios, but the Asians eat it up like it’s a giant plate of Kung Pao Chicken. The get off by the bus load at Mann’s Chinese theater and Universal and just walk around with their high-tech video and camera equipment, smoking and pointing…and Asians love cigarettes, have you ever noticed that? Interestingly enough, they have a lower rate of lung cancer than Americans even though more of them smoke.
They also love to pose for pictures at Bruce Lee’s star and Michael Jackson’s star. Asians love Michael Jackson as much as they love cigarettes.
I just thought of this…when Mitt Romney is giving a speech and feeling particularly nervous (even though robots probably don’t get that nervous), do you think he pictures the crowd in regular underwear or magic underwear?
Have a splendid day! 😀