Irony and Oral Hygiene

The British say that Americans don’t understand irony, and to that I say…..”go see a dentist.” I think we do understand irony, well some of us anyway, there are a lot of dumb Americans unfortunately. How did we get so dumb? Is it all the high fructose corn syrup? Does that make you dumb? What is it?

Anyway, this is an example of irony in my American opinion.

One night, a funeral was in progress at my house. I don’t know who it was that died, other than I know it was an old man, but a sweet, little old lady from the neighborhood came to pay her respects to the dead guy. Her name was Mrs. Love. She came to the front door, where my father greeted her, and he told her, as he told everyone, to “go ahead and sign the book.” The book is the fancy, lined book that funeral homes have set up on a stand so that the visitors of the dead person can sign their name, and the family will know who to send thank you cards to….or just to see who cared enough to show up at the funeral, and who doesn’t want to know that? Don’t you hope that when you die, if you have a funeral, you can hover above it and see who shows up? Of course you do, we all do.

Mrs. Love signed her name, but shortly thereafter, dropped to the floor like a bag of cement. Everyone stopped what they were doing, which was paying attention to the dead guy, to see what just happened. My dad immediately ran over to her and saw that she wasn’t breathing. He yelled for my mother, the emergency room nurse, who was upstairs, most likely drinking wine and smoking a cigarette. Things were starting to get panicky at this point. Everyone forgot about the dead guy. Talk about stealing your thunder. The poor dead man was no longer the center of attention. My mother came running down the stairs, having heard my dad’s plea for help, and immediately started to do CPR on Mrs. Love….but it was too late. This poor old sweet lady just dropped dead of a heart attack in the middle of a funeral.

Oh really, British people? We don’t understand irony? Go brush your teeth…

I often thought it would have made more sense to just take Mrs. Love down the basement immediately and get to work. But of course, in a situation like that, she had to be taken to the hospital or wherever, so that a  doctor could release a death certificate. But, I’m all about efficiency so that just seems like a waste of time.

But I do think that’s a great way to die, don’t you? Right there in a funeral home. It’s like she was saying, “I couldn’t be more ready, I’ll save you some time.” Almost as if she was being considerate about dying. But thanks to stupid laws, consideration and efficiency often suffer.

And you have to feel bad for the family of the dead guy, right? There they were, trying to mourn their loved one, when one of the visitors completely takes center stage. That is a funeral no one will ever forget.

I know I mentioned the movie “Death at a Funeral” before. You must see it, but the original one, not the horrible remake with Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence. I don’t know what they were thinking trying to remake that movie. The original is a British cast and I will say that they definitely did a better job than the Americans did with making their ironic movie, but Mrs. Love dying during a funeral at my house happened way before they ever made it, and although not as funny, just as ironic.

Look, I don’t mean to keep harping on British oral hygiene, but I really don’t understand why their teeth don’t seem to matter that much to them. I mean, they had an empire at one time for chrissake, couldn’t they couldn’t have put a dental plan in place with all that power? Maybe they should have universal dental care instead of health care. Teeth should really be a priority, don’t you think? It’s the first thing I notice on a person’s face.

I know a guy who is really nice looking, but the first time he smiled, I saw he had a tooth missing, in fact, a tooth right next to one of the front ones, and I immediately thought that this guys is a little off. To just leave an open gap like that right there for everyone to see? I don’t understand that. The fact that fixing his tooth wasn’t a priority told me a lot about him. His car broke down and he got it fixed, but not his tooth. Granted you don’t need your tooth to get around town, but you do need a tooth to get a job. I wouldn’t hire someone with a missing tooth unless they came to the interview with an explanation about how they just lost it yesterday and couldn’t get in to see the dentist until tomorrow or something like that. But if you’re gonna show up at an interview and not even acknowledge your missing tooth, I’m gonna make a judgement call and ultimately hire someone with a full set of teeth.  Not that I’m in a position to hire anyone, but I’d pick someone with nice teeth over someone with Excel skills any day.

I’m so happy it’s Friday, I can’t wait to just sleep in tomorrow. I love to sleep.  I wish I could get paid to sleep….and eat. I’d be so rich. But I’d be too fat and tired to spend my money.

Have a great weekend and don’t forget to practice good oral hygiene!  😀  

 

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About Death To Hollywood

My name is Celeste Donohue and I am a writer/comedian who started this blog to tell stories about my life growing up in a funeral home and my adult life which I have spent in Hollywood, California – hence the name, “Death To Hollywood”. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in celebrities, death, family, funeral home, funerals, Hollywood, weird and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Irony and Oral Hygiene

  1. Barskii says:

    Hey Girl, I am so glad to have teeth 🙂
    How ya been doing??
    Wasn’t the prettiest woman in the World (she claimed) a brit with jagged teeth & a large forehead
    & hairy leggs, – the one you wrote about several months ago??
    boy, Britts must of done you wrong in a past life ?

    Have a Great Fourth of July Week – then Have a Great Month of July !!!
    Why???
    Because, I said so 🙂
    Be Sweet little Woman
    ~ Blake ~

  2. lee peacher says:

    Cee,

    Never stop writing these blogs…they are hilarious. Good luck with the show on Sunday, should be alot of fun and i wish i could be there!
    Lolololzzz

  3. Paul Kenney says:

    Ironic we talk about Brits as we prepare to celebrate Independence Day. As an Anglophile I think our independence was a tragic mistake, but our teeth did grow straighter ever since. I think the Limey’s teeth grew more crooked after their India conquest, as Indians like to brush their teeth with tree twigs. Perhaps the limes picked up the habit – along with chutney, curry and the paisley pattern. Anyway, Have a Great Independence Day, and …… God Save the Queen, and her beautiful smile.

  4. Kris says:

    Love this post, Cee! Poor Mrs. Love….what a great place to drop dead….in our funeral home. I would write more, but i need to go floss, so I can keep my teeth and my job:)

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