The Golden Era

Do you think about death a lot? I do. Shocking, isn’t it? The other day I was thinking about how I plan on killing myself before I ever get to a nursing home. One of my day jobs involves calling nursing homes , and I’ve been to nursing homes, so I decided I don’t ever want to be in one. Now, assisted living on the other hand, would be fine because I’m pretty sure those places have bingo, and we all know how much I like bingo! As the saying goes, “Happiness is yelling BINGO!” 

When I started calling the nursing homes, I noticed that all of them have something in common besides really old  people. The names of the places seem to have a theme that seems like an attempt to trick the old people into thinking it might be a nice place to stay. Names such as:

Country Hills

Country Oaks

Country View

Forest Hills

Forest View

Forest Lake

Green Pines

Green Ridge

Green Hills

Green Haven

All of these are followed by either “nursing home” or “convalescent home” because we wouldn’t want them to stray too far from reality. Then of course, there are the names to remind them of what time of their life they’re in:

Golden Living

Golden Era

Golden Hills

Golden Ventures

Golden Care

and my favorite, Golden Hands.

Why not Golden Feet or Golden Showers for that matter? Anything “golden” sounds a little more valuable.

There are also a lot of Chateaus to make it sound fancier, and of course, in California, everything is a freakin’ casa:

Casa De Amigos

Casa Grande

Casa de Manana

and my favorite, Casa De Vida, which means Home of Life….not quite. Who are they trying to fool with that one? Not all of these old people have dementia for chrissake!

the journey? towards? umm…death?

I just don’t have the will to live like some of these people. As soon as it’s time for diapers, I’m done. I’m swallowing a bunch of pills or throwing myself out a window. I’m just not interested in wearing diapers. Is that so wrong? Although sometimes I wouldn’t mind wearing one on long trips like that astronaut lady a few years ago. Remember that? Her boyfriend was cheating on her and she wanted to confront him, but had to drive from Houston to Orlando, so to save time she wore a diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop and go to the bathroom. I guess she didn’t think she might have to stop for gas. She also wore a wig as a disguise. How many of you can say you’ve driven around wearing a wig and a diaper? Probably none of you, but I bet all of you want to. Sounds like a fun way to spend the weekend.

My brother and I got pulled over by the cops and John was wearing a wig (if he had a diaper on, he didn’t tell me). It was a really ugly wig too. He had it on because he was using it to entertain me on a long drive we were reaching the end of. The best part about it was that the cop thought he was wearing it as a disguise because “it wouldn’t be the first time someone wore a wig and committed a robbery.” John and I started laughing because there was no way any one would ever wear this wig to disguise themselves if they were going to rob a liquor store. If anyone has hair like that wig in real life, they should be killed immediately. It was hideous. I got a speeding ticket from that dirty cop; probably because we laughed, but most likely because that wig was so ugly.

Wait, I got off track. I was talking about nursing homes….

Yeah, I’m not going. If I break a hip, can’t take care of myself and end up in a nursing home, I’ll crawl out to the street, lay in the middle of it and wait for a bus. I might gather  a lethal cocktail of pills and just start carrying it around with me once I reach my Golden Era for when I really start losin’ it.

Have you seen Nancy Regan lately? She’s so old and frail, it looks like she might drop dead  at any minute (she’s 91.) She definitely looks like she can’t hear anymore because she has a permanent look of confusion on her face. I plan on killing myself long before I reach that point. It just looks so hard to be alive at that age. But hey, maybe she has something to live for. Maybe I will too later on in life, but currently I don’t.  I just keep going to see what’s gonna happen next. Anyone else? Who’s with me?

Just kidding. I love being alive…kinda….sometimes….usually. It all depends on traffic 😀

Have a nice day! Be nice to old people and don’t dwell on death. I’ll do that for you….

About Death To Hollywood

My name is Celeste Donohue and I am a writer/comedian who started this blog to tell stories about my life growing up in a funeral home and my adult life which I have spent in Hollywood, California – hence the name, “Death To Hollywood”. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in celebrities, death, family, funeral home, funerals, Hollywood, weird and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to The Golden Era

  1. Paul Kenney says:

    I can’t wait for old age. Then no one will take anything I say seriously and I’ll get to wander around with crumbs in my clothes.

  2. Josephine says:

    I am with you C. No old age home for me. As soon as I can’t be out and about causing trouble, I’m gone.

    On another note, I am surprised there are old age homes with “Forest” in the name especially in L.A. what with Forest Lawn Cemetery. Go figure.

  3. Barskii says:

    When I get to OLD to have others wipe my butt – I want to “rent” a Huge Party Yacht and enjoy a Hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico maybe a Catagorey 5 – If it Kills me, I will be burried at Sea.
    Nothing like going out within the wrath of GOD. A boat ride through Hell to get to Heaven 🙂
    I have done it before in 1977, Hurricane Anita (Cat 5) I’ll call that a “TRIP”

  4. John Donohue says:

    I have two friends that were going to wear diapers when they went to India, because they knew they would get the shits and wouldn’t be able to find a toilet. I still love wigs!!! Even the ugly ones!!!

  5. Kris says:

    Cee….this is a great one!!! Never thought of the names of nursing homes……so funny and weird. Was the wig that big, weird black one Johnny has? BINGO……….Thank you for taking care of my death thoughts:)

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