The Papal Conclave and Taylor Swift

I'm outta here before I get busted!

I’m outta here before I get busted!

Are you all caught up in the papal conclave? I’m not sure where to start. Just for the record, I was forced into 10 years of Catholic school and that included a lot of church going, confession, stations of the cross and other bullshit. So, if you love organized religion, Catholicism in particular, I suggest you stop reading now because I’m going to be irreverent…because that’s what 10 years of Catholic school and lying in confession did to me.

If it wasn’t so sick and disturbing, the amount of priests, cardinals and other perverts that are being found out to have molested kids would almost be comical because just when you think it can’t get any worse, you find out they molested deaf kids. Deaf kids!! This is where I really start to question the idea of heaven and hell. Because if there’s another place that’s worse than a place where deaf kids can be molested by priests, then everyone should be forced to go for a visit so they can be scared straight and live a righteous life while on earth.

devilImagine a place where more horrible things happen than children being molested by men who claim to be acting in God’s place. How can there be a place more horrible than that? I think hell exists on earth and I think heaven exists on earth, and I think I’ve experienced both. Hell being the entertainment business and heaven being something involving food. If there is a hell, will those filthy fuckers go there? What will God say to them? “Hey, nice job asshole, you’re ruined my reputation.” Or is hell the place where the punishers get punished? A place where people like Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler suffer for eternity? (That is a Taylor Swift reference and I’ll get into that little slut in a minute.)

I also can’t understand why anyone follows or believes in the Catholic church anymore. I know all priests aren’t child molesting perverts, but a solid portion of them are, so how can anyone get behind this organization? I don’t get it. Not only is the whole religion based on fear and guilt; it’s a sexist, repressed, archaic, religion that up until recently had a leader who preached that condoms help to spread the AIDS virus and who also doesn’t believe in birth control. Are you kidding me? There’s never been a better time to believe in birth control, especially when you hear that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are procreating for chrissake!

confess

CREEPY!!

I just don’t understand what people get out of it or why anyone goes to confession. I knew that was weird when I was a kid. “Hey kids, kneel down in this little dark room and tell the stranger behind the smoky window all the bad things you’ve done”. No, thanks. I’ll just lie instead and then confess to lying. That’s what I did anyway. Besides,  I think I’ve broken most of the Ten Commandments so does that mean I’m going to hell? How many do you have to break before you’re absolutely hell-bound? Because if there is a hell, I’m pretty sure I’m going according to the Catholic church. But I don’t believe in that church, so I plan on going to heaven. But as it stands now, considering the company were in, I’m hoping heaven is a small group of people with good manners and good hygiene.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter who they pick to be the new Pope because it’s not gonna change pope tweetwhat I believe, which is pretty much the opposite of what the Catholic church tells us to believe. But I’m glad this Pope is out, he was a big douche so bring on the new Pope, preferably a black, gay, female Pope… I think we’re ready.

Now on to Taylor Swift…

taylorWill someone please kill her or at least stop dating her so she’ll stop writing her stupid little revenge songs and then cry when people make jokes about it? Here is my problem with Taylor Swift. Is it because she’s made millions writing her little break-up songs? No, for that I envy her. (Oops, that’s a deadly sin. I’m definitely going to hell). The problem with Taylor Swift is that first of all, she sucks live, and if you can’t sing well live, then I just can’t be impressed because anyone can sound good on a record, and I mean anyone. Ashley Simpson are you listening? Secondly, after she lets the entire world know who she’s publicly breaking up with, she comes out with a record about it and then everyone knows who the song is about. Then, people start making jokes about it (Tina Fey and Amy Poehler ) because it’s impossible not to, and then she whines about how they’re being “mean girls.” Boo hoo! Maybe you shouldn’t be such a public little slut and keep your young, whorish behavior behind closed doors where it belongs. LOL! 😀

She said that Katie Couric told her a saying she liked; ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women,’ which, by the way, was originally quoted by Madeleine Albright, and she was referring to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. C’mon! Get a grip you little slut and stop taking yourself so seriously Christ! Big deal, you had your heart broken. Who hasn’t? The only difference is that you were probably wiping your tears with dollar bills. My heart bleeds for you, you whiny, rich slut. LOL!! 😀

So, there it is. I don’t like the Catholic Church or Taylor Swift, but I’d love to have their money, especially the church. The Catholic Church has paid BILIONS in settlements to people who were abused by priests. It must be nice to have that kind of hush-money laying around. I guess passing those baskets around on Sundays really paid off. Remember the “Poor Box” in church that was actually labeled “Poor Box.”

poor box

drop some $$$

I’m think I’m going to have one of these installed on my front door and see if I can get a few bills paid.

Have a beautiful day!

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About Death To Hollywood

My name is Celeste Donohue and I am a writer/comedian who started this blog to tell stories about my life growing up in a funeral home and my adult life which I have spent in Hollywood, California – hence the name, “Death To Hollywood”. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in catholic church, celebrities, death, funeral home, funerals, Hollywood, weird and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to The Papal Conclave and Taylor Swift

  1. meg says:

    But as it stands now, considering the company were in, I’m hoping heaven is a small group of people with good manners and good hygiene.

    this is brilliant and i agree 100%!

  2. Paul says:

    I’m just glad I didn’t become an altar boy.

  3. Josephine says:

    I think I have told you here or other where how I feel about the Catholic Church. I completely agree with everything you said and I cringe to think of what was going on in so many churches. My church? Who knows? Not that I have heard but. . .

    I did the same thing you did in confession. I had a list of sins and I rotated them. LOL What the heck does a kid have to confess anyway?

    Taylor Swift! You’re right! A voice like skim milk! Who dates this broad anymore? Ha, ha, ha!

    Just one more thing. I will see you in hell. 🙂

  4. Suzie D. says:

    I was brought up the exact same way, so you had me ROFLMAO on that one. As for Taylor Swift, I don’t know much about her and after reading your column, I’m glad. Superlative column in terms of belly laughs.

  5. Kris says:

    Public rich slut, whiny little slut….hahahaha!
    Father, forgive me for I have sinned, Paul and I used to get sticks and take dollar bills out of the “poor box” and go to the “greek store” and buy candy! I will say 4 hail Mary’s and 2 Our Fathers…. and will…..do it again:)

  6. mary donohue says:

    Both subjects have lost credibility,in my opinion.At least,you know what you don’t like.Love,Mom

  7. Joe H says:

    I realized that they were pigs when I was in the confessional one time, with a long line of people outside waiting to confess their sins and that rotten shit screamed..’You did WHAT…HOW MANY TIMES?????
    So Jesus like
    That was one of your best, C.

  8. Julie H. says:

    Agree with you all the way!!!

  9. Jim Bradley says:

    Especially when you got father Henry . Stealing money and going to the GREEK store. Lol

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