Life Alert and the Rolling Stones!

life alertAm I too young for a Life Alert device? I’ve come to the realization that I’m not afraid to die, but I am kind of afraid of getting old, mostly because I have an irrational fear of slipping and falling in the shower and being found stark naked and wet with blood oozing out of the back of my head.

I think this has happened from living alone for a long time and occasionally slipping in the shower but still having enough strength in my legs to keep from falling. However, I start to imagine myself as an old spinster getting in and out of the shower with glass doors and regretting not buying any of those anti-slip flowers that old people have on the bottom of their showers and tubs to ensure that they don’t die from slipping and cracking their head open. Maybe if I get some of those flowers and  a Life Alert device it will quell my fears. no slip

I admit when I lived with someone this type of irrational thinking was minimal because at the very least, if I were to slip and fall and be dying in the shower, at some point, the roommate would come in, find me and call 911 after recovering from the shock of seeing  me sprawled out naked with shampoo still in my hair.

I love old people but I’m just not sure if I want to be one because quite frankly, I think it’s bullshit that we get smarter and gain all this life experience only to be trapped in a body that has more and more limitations as we age. That’s just wrong. And because it’s so wrong, I don’t support the concept and plan on killing myself before I’m pushing around a walker with tennis balls on the bottom of it. But just in case I change my mind and decide to just go with the whole aging thing, I’m preparing myself now. In fact, I’m more prepared for old age than I am for an earthquake. For example, I already love soup, bingo and eating dinner really early. bingo

Here’s the real reason I think like this. After many years of dancing and dance injuries, I now suffer from some chronic pain. It’s manageable but I often think to myself, “If I feel like this now, how will I feel if I live another 40 years?” I can tell you that it won’t be good. Of course, the pain medication 40 years from now will probably be outstanding, or maybe medical science will be so advanced that they’ll be able to put my 80 year old brain in a 20  year old body. Now that would be living! I would finally have the energy to go march for something I believed in, because when I had the energy to march way back when I didn’t care about politics or really anything for that matter.  I think Clinton was in office.

stonesSpeaking of old (and incredible)….the Rolling Stones tickets go on sale today for some upcoming shows. They haven’t announced the date yet for Los Angeles, but it will be at the Staples Center and I’m already freaking out about getting tickets. If I don’t get tickets, I’m gonna kill my neighbor. I really don’t like her and need an excuse to kill her, and that’s as good a reason as any in my opinion. But let me say this; if I can be shakin’ my ass and running around at almost 70 years old like Mick Jagger, then fine, but I draw the line at adult diapers. The first time I shit myself, I’m out of here.

Have a rockin’ Monday!

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
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10 Responses to Life Alert and the Rolling Stones!

  1. meg says:

    well said, celeste …

  2. mary donohue says:

    I think aging is like pausing,and taking a break,before the next act begins.We need to think about the first act and the role we played,then decide if there is another role we’d liketo play.Life never ends! Our energy is transformed. What the transformation becomes,is up to us.Love,Mom

  3. barskii says:

    Since you are a Soul with a Physical body – – Not a physical body with a soul, Living on planet Earth.- – – It would be wise to get a shower mat when using slick shampoo – there is the chance your feet will be above your head while rising your hair, — without a shower mat or even sticky flowers on the bottom of the tub – – Saftey First – – LIVE LONGER – – these are words of WISDOM after my feet went airborn and cracked my head on the facuet in a split second – – confused for several days – – I have non slick bottom built into the the Tub – – Don’t be Afraid to Die – – but Please enjoy LIFE – – just practice Saftey First – – & live longer.

  4. Suzie D. says:

    Thanks, Cee! It felt great to come home after a long Monday (because Monday is worse than all the other work days combined) at work and belly laugh. Laughter is definitely the best medicine:)

  5. Josephine says:

    Ha, ha, ha! I know you! As long as your boobs still look good you probably won’t mind being found naked in the shower, am I right?

    So many people are screaming the drug war should be over, maybe it will be over by the time you need those pain meds, Cee. I used to ask my mother why so many little old ladies bought those big bottles of cheap vodka and she told me it was for pain, so maybe you are set because I know you like you some of that vodka!

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