Am I too young for a Life Alert device? I’ve come to the realization that I’m not afraid to die, but I am kind of afraid of getting old, mostly because I have an irrational fear of slipping and falling in the shower and being found stark naked and wet with blood oozing out of the back of my head.
I think this has happened from living alone for a long time and occasionally slipping in the shower but still having enough strength in my legs to keep from falling. However, I start to imagine myself as an old spinster getting in and out of the shower with glass doors and regretting not buying any of those anti-slip flowers that old people have on the bottom of their showers and tubs to ensure that they don’t die from slipping and cracking their head open. Maybe if I get some of those flowers and a Life Alert device it will quell my fears.
I admit when I lived with someone this type of irrational thinking was minimal because at the very least, if I were to slip and fall and be dying in the shower, at some point, the roommate would come in, find me and call 911 after recovering from the shock of seeing me sprawled out naked with shampoo still in my hair.
I love old people but I’m just not sure if I want to be one because quite frankly, I think it’s bullshit that we get smarter and gain all this life experience only to be trapped in a body that has more and more limitations as we age. That’s just wrong. And because it’s so wrong, I don’t support the concept and plan on killing myself before I’m pushing around a walker with tennis balls on the bottom of it. But just in case I change my mind and decide to just go with the whole aging thing, I’m preparing myself now. In fact, I’m more prepared for old age than I am for an earthquake. For example, I already love soup, bingo and eating dinner really early.
Here’s the real reason I think like this. After many years of dancing and dance injuries, I now suffer from some chronic pain. It’s manageable but I often think to myself, “If I feel like this now, how will I feel if I live another 40 years?” I can tell you that it won’t be good. Of course, the pain medication 40 years from now will probably be outstanding, or maybe medical science will be so advanced that they’ll be able to put my 80 year old brain in a 20 year old body. Now that would be living! I would finally have the energy to go march for something I believed in, because when I had the energy to march way back when I didn’t care about politics or really anything for that matter. I think Clinton was in office.
Speaking of old (and incredible)….the Rolling Stones tickets go on sale today for some upcoming shows. They haven’t announced the date yet for Los Angeles, but it will be at the Staples Center and I’m already freaking out about getting tickets. If I don’t get tickets, I’m gonna kill my neighbor. I really don’t like her and need an excuse to kill her, and that’s as good a reason as any in my opinion. But let me say this; if I can be shakin’ my ass and running around at almost 70 years old like Mick Jagger, then fine, but I draw the line at adult diapers. The first time I shit myself, I’m out of here.
Have a rockin’ Monday!