The other day I was watching something and I can’t remember exactly what it was because it wasn’t interesting enough to commit to memory, plus I was probably tokin’ the peace pipe, but whoever it was kept going on and on about the children and how they are the future and blah blah blah. Well, this bothers me because I’ve noticed that people tend to put more value on young life much more than they do on old life. People always talk about how we have to “do things for the kids.” And babies? Well, they are the worst of the kids. Meanwhile, you never really hear people say that we have to do it for the old people, you know, the ones closer to death.
And let me say that I like old people and babies equally, (and I do mean babies, not toddlers) but I prefer babies that don’t cry a lot, and even more I prefer cute babies. Nothing is more irritating than people who say “all babies are cute,” because we all know good and godamn well that there are some ugly babies out there. But regardless of how much I like either of them, I’m talking value here.
I understand the concept that babies “have their whole life ahead of them,” but that’s the problem, they haven’t contributed anything yet. They don’t work, they don’t bring in any money, they can’t even help with the chores….they’re useless! Old people, on the other hand, are survivors! They have lived to whatever ripe, old age and who knows what they might have been through in all their years on this god forsaken planet. They bring experience and wisdom, and sure, they may not remember all of their experience or wisdom, but at least they earned their place in life. Have babies earned anything? No! They just demand, demand, demand. Talk about attention hogs. Babies are the worst!
Do babies have any money they can leave behind if they die? No! Because once again, they haven’t bothered to earn anything. But an old person could have a shit load of money hidden in their mattress or somewhere, and a lot of old people have a nice stash because they’re too tired to spend it. So, that is another reason to value old people more. Babies don’t have any money.
My grandmother lived to be 100 years old, and that is really impressive. Do you know how many wise things she said to me over the years? A lot. However, not one baby has ever given me any good advice or said anything smart to me. In fact, they can’t even speak. Again, they’re useless.
And what I think is also interesting, and yet mildly disturbing is that we’ve all been babies, yes, but do we remember being a baby? No, we don’t. But, we can look at old people and see our future, which is another reason why we should be treating them like gold. Who knows how many of us will live to experience old age? But we all experience baby-hood, big deal, and obviously it’s not even worth remembering.
Babies smell better though, I’ll give them that, but that’s all I’ll give them. And that is probably only because old people are too tired to keep up good and consistent hygiene. Babies always have someone cleaning them, whether it’s food, drool or poop, it always gets wiped off by someone. Old people don’t always have that luxury unfortunately, so cut them some slack if they smell a little bit.
I’ll tell you this much…if I live to be a really old lady, all bets are off as far as etiquette and proper behavior. I am going to say anything I want. If you live to be a certain age, I think you earn the right to tell anyone and everyone to go fuck themselves. I just think of how often I’d like to tell people that, but people would think I was crazy or had a permanent case of PMS. But if I’m 90 years old and I’m walking around telling people to fuck off, well, I have that right as far as I’m concerned. A baby never has the right to tell people to fuck off, but old people absolutely earn it.
I think about getting old quite often, but I think that’s because I live in LA where getting old is a criminal act, especially if you’re a woman. But I don’t fear getting old in the typical Hollywood way, where I’m worried about my looks and therefore spend thousands on face lifts and botox in a silly attempt to look 10 years younger. My fear of getting old is shitting myself on Hollywood Boulevard. I’ve already puked on that street once and I really would like to leave it at that.