The Big Move and the Stones….

Hi Readers!

I’m back.  I’m in my new apartment in Hollywood (where I belong) and happy to be out of the Valley. Let’s face it, the Valley is too hot and is filled with a lot of undesirables, and by undesirables I mean almost everyone. But moving? Wow! Is there anything worse than moving, except maybe diarrhea? I don’t think so.

dick head

Hi, I’m a landlord…

I had to move out of my old apartment because I couldn’t take my dick head landlords anymore. I think they were trying to get rid of me so that they could raise the rent, and it worked. They actually tried to charge me for fixing my garbage disposal!  Can you believe that? They obviously don’t know that I am really diligent when it comes to finding out if I can get screwed by someone legally or not, so I am prepared for battle if they try anything dirty (and I think they will because they’re dirty dick heads).

But here’s the good news; I have a much better place in a much better neighborhood and I have a pool now! And in case you didn’t know…I love to swim, so the pool is just icing on an already delicious cake, and I love cake. The manager of the new building is a cranky, little, old man who looks like he might die any day, so I gave him some Celestial Treats because what’s better when you’re dying, than candy?

By the way, the Rolling Stones played again last night at the Staples Center, and if I could have gone again, I would have! Do I even have to tell you how great they were? No, I don’t think I do because if you have a pulse than you probably know that they are not only the best band in the world, but put on a show like no one else. They played hit after hit after hit and Mick Jagger is an unbelievable entertainer, but not to be outdone by Keith Richards (my favorite), Charlie Watts, Ron Wood…and the rest of their incredible band and background singers. The show was amazing, other than when Gwen Stefani showed up to ruin Wild Horses. She sang out of tune and didn’t seem to know the lyrics that well. I wasn’t happy about it, in fact, I had one of those high school, mean girl moments where I turned to my sister and said, “What the hell is she doing here?” Then Mick Taylor, the guitar player who Ron Wood replaced, came on stage for Midnight Rambler. Excellent! If you have a chance to see them on this tour, DO IT!!

keef

Back to moving…I bought a coffee table from Target and when I took it out of the box I realized how hard it would be to put it together, so I’m returning it. I can’t be bothered with reading directions and handling screwdrivers. What is with all this assembling bullshit? Christ! NOTHING should be sold without being already assembled. What do they think we are, fucking carpenters? 😀

I don't f-ing think so..

Bullshit!

Not to mention all the wires with electronics. Hooking up devices to other devices makes me want to kill myself, but I never end up killing myself, I hook up the wires, curse and drink and eventually figure it out. In the near future I want all of my devices to be wireless with just an “on” button. No more hooking up wires. NO MORE WIRES EVER!!

I hope you all got the Mommie Dearest reference, and if not, then promptly beat yourself with a wire hanger.

This is me hooking up wires....

This is me hooking up wires….

I hope all of you are having a splendid day thus far. You know, Americans don’t use the word “splendid” very often but the Brits seem to like it. You know why we don’t say it? Because it sounds weird coming out of an American’s mouth….unless you’re an old lady. Try to use this word once today and see if you get a weird reaction.

I dare you to tell someone to “have a splendid day”…. go ahead, do it!

 

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About Death To Hollywood

I am a writer/comedian that was kind of pressured into doing a blog. I didn't really know much about blogs which is why I resisted. But now that I have one, I still don't know much about them. I like to tell funny stories that are true. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
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10 Responses to The Big Move and the Stones….

  1. mary donohue says:

    This wish is from your Mommie,dearest,to have a very splendid day.I know you will enjoy my wish Mom

  2. Theresa says:

    I’m in packing and soon to be moving hell and I know I’d rather have diarrhea than do this. But our new place will be fab.

    The Rolling what? I don’t know that band.

    • I guess diarrhea is better than moving…and it’s the Rolling Stones, by the way…I repeat, THE ROLLING FUCKING STONES!! I guess you’re moving from underneath one rock to another? 😀

  3. Paul says:

    You don’t really believe Mick, Keith and the boys use the word “splendid”, do you? After all, they’re Limies. I think using the word splendid to them would make them feel squirrely- like how the word “lover” makes American men uncomfortable.

    The coffee table didn’t look so complicated. The color though….

  4. Kris says:

    Nothing like “candy to die for” when you are already dying…might As well have a reason:)
    The Stones were absolutely SPENDID!! They rocked the Staples Center….I would see them again in a slendid moment:)
    I have to agree with Paul on the color of the table, maybe a good color for an Easter basket…hahaha! I agree with the complicated mess of boxed furniture….no more screwdrivers and wires….in that yelling Mommie Dearest voice:)

  5. Jimbo says:

    Take that table back,straight away, and you have a splendid day

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