Toys and Rosary Beads

Hi Readers!

Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been very busy with work related ambitions. And speaking of those,  I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but a few years ago, for a short time, I sold sex toys to make extra money. Don’t judge. How people get their pleasure is none of my business and if I can contribute to other people’s pleasure, whether it be by selling them candy or selling them a sex toy, then that’s a win-win situation as far as I’m concerned.

Actually, it was fun. I would do home parties, similar to Tupperware parties, but the plastic was in the shape of a penis instead of a container. I sold a lot of different products from anal beadsyour standard type of “toys” to specialty items, like anal beads. Oh yeah, that’s right, anal beads. Did your ears just perk up? Did someone say anal beads? You know you want some!

I’m not really sure why anyone would want anal beads, but hey, who am I to judge how you have your fun?

My parents knew that I sold the toys and also knew that I would sometimes make jokes about it on stage. After I started doing stand-up, sometimes my dad would call me and tell me jokes he thought of and I would try them onstage. His jokes always got laughs. Well, one day he called me to tell me a joke regarding the sex toys and he said, “When it comes to ordering anal beads, the Catholics always go for the anal rosary beads.” Well, I thought that was hilarious, so I wrote it on a post-it as I often write rosarymany of my ideas for jokes or sketches, etc.

So, the other day I was cleaning because the eldest sister gets into town on Wednesday and she will be sure to judge, as we all do each other’s houses when it comes to cleanliness. My mother taught us that. I was going through papers and piles of post-its and found some joke ideas, one of them being a post-it that said, “anal rosary beads.” I immediately thought of an incident where that exact post-it offered a very awkward and yet funny experience.

I was doing stand-up at a place on Hollywood Boulevard and a guy that worked there would always flirt with me, so naturally I flirted back, but didn’t want to go out with him because of his clown hair. He had a nice face but his hair was really curly and cut in such a way that it very much resembled a clown and I couldn’t get past it. So I would just flirt. bozo1Jump to a few months later and he cut off his clown hair!! I was very happy about this. Now he looked great!

By the way, he didn’t know about the sex toys I was selling…yet.

One night I told him he could come over and we were hanging out, talking, having cocktails, etc., and then his phone rang. He said he had to take the call. We were sitting on the couch and he stood up to answer the phone and then sat down at the kitchen table. He was speaking in Arabic by the way. He was from Egypt I think. He wasn’t your typical swarthy Arab though. Does that sound racist?

Anyway, I was sitting on the couch sipping wine, got up to go in the kitchen and as I passed him he grabbed my arm, still speaking Arabic to someone on the phone, and pointed to the post-it on the table that said “anal rosary beads,” that I had forgotten was even on the table. The look on his face would best be described as horror. I started to laugh which made him even more horrified, and at the same time, I was trying to tell him, as he continued his aggressive Arabic conversation, “It’s not what you think!” He was shaking his head at me in disgust and pointing at the note, all the while, still speaking in Arabic. I finally just rolled my eyes and walked away and waited until he got done with his aggressive, native language, loud conversation so I could explain myself.

Well, if he didn’t already think I was a freak, once I told him I sold sex toys, he thought he hit the sex-freak jack pot. It didn’t matter that I was a comedian and the post-it was a joke from my dad, which actually sounds a little weird to explain that your dad told you that joke, but still…it’s a joke and it’s funny! He thought I was being disrespectful to religion or something and you all know how seriously I take religion. Religion is one of the best things to make jokes about, not just because it’s stupid, but especially because it makes everyone go berserk.

I have anal rosary beads

I have anal rosary beads

Needless to say, I didn’t really hit it off with the Arab. We got into an argument over religion and I told him to leave because the way I see it is; you’re entitled to your beliefs, so judge my anal rosary beads. I’ll pray the way I want.

Have a great day!

About Death To Hollywood

My name is Celeste Donohue and I am a writer/comedian who started this blog to tell stories about my life growing up in a funeral home and my adult life which I have spent in Hollywood, California – hence the name, “Death To Hollywood”. Hopefully, you like to read those kinds of stories. If not, go read something serious and boring.....
This entry was posted in catholic church, family, Hollywood and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Toys and Rosary Beads

  1. John Donohue says:

    LOL!!!!!!! That’s great!!!!! I like that he just pointed to the post-it note!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!! Like: “what is this?”

  2. T says:

    I still remember the big brown dong story when the cable guy came over.

  3. Kris says:

    Hahahaha!!! To think Dad would come up with “anal rosary beads” is great…of course he would and then smirk as if he did something wrong, but funny…lol
    Clown hair, arabic loud conversation and pointing to the Post It note all pissed off….LOL!!!!

  4. Maddie says:

    Celeste, this was laugh-out-loud funny. To mix sex toys and religion, and then throw in a great visual of your Dad, well, I had a trip down memory lane, and a good belly laugh!! Well done!

  5. The elder sister says:

    Cee, that was a good one! Can’t wait to see you tomorrow, and trust me there will be no judging going on, I’m just so glad you can let us hang at your place for a while in between flights! Can’t wait to have a good hug and to see you, p.s. we’ll probably be starved when we get to your place so……you got some ham?????

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