Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been very busy with work related ambitions. And speaking of those, I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but a few years ago, for a short time, I sold sex toys to make extra money. Don’t judge. How people get their pleasure is none of my business and if I can contribute to other people’s pleasure, whether it be by selling them candy or selling them a sex toy, then that’s a win-win situation as far as I’m concerned.
Actually, it was fun. I would do home parties, similar to Tupperware parties, but the plastic was in the shape of a penis instead of a container. I sold a lot of different products from your standard type of “toys” to specialty items, like anal beads. Oh yeah, that’s right, anal beads. Did your ears just perk up? Did someone say anal beads? You know you want some!
I’m not really sure why anyone would want anal beads, but hey, who am I to judge how you have your fun?
My parents knew that I sold the toys and also knew that I would sometimes make jokes about it on stage. After I started doing stand-up, sometimes my dad would call me and tell me jokes he thought of and I would try them onstage. His jokes always got laughs. Well, one day he called me to tell me a joke regarding the sex toys and he said, “When it comes to ordering anal beads, the Catholics always go for the anal rosary beads.” Well, I thought that was hilarious, so I wrote it on a post-it as I often write many of my ideas for jokes or sketches, etc.
So, the other day I was cleaning because the eldest sister gets into town on Wednesday and she will be sure to judge, as we all do each other’s houses when it comes to cleanliness. My mother taught us that. I was going through papers and piles of post-its and found some joke ideas, one of them being a post-it that said, “anal rosary beads.” I immediately thought of an incident where that exact post-it offered a very awkward and yet funny experience.
I was doing stand-up at a place on Hollywood Boulevard and a guy that worked there would always flirt with me, so naturally I flirted back, but didn’t want to go out with him because of his clown hair. He had a nice face but his hair was really curly and cut in such a way that it very much resembled a clown and I couldn’t get past it. So I would just flirt. Jump to a few months later and he cut off his clown hair!! I was very happy about this. Now he looked great!
By the way, he didn’t know about the sex toys I was selling…yet.
One night I told him he could come over and we were hanging out, talking, having cocktails, etc., and then his phone rang. He said he had to take the call. We were sitting on the couch and he stood up to answer the phone and then sat down at the kitchen table. He was speaking in Arabic by the way. He was from Egypt I think. He wasn’t your typical swarthy Arab though. Does that sound racist?
Anyway, I was sitting on the couch sipping wine, got up to go in the kitchen and as I passed him he grabbed my arm, still speaking Arabic to someone on the phone, and pointed to the post-it on the table that said “anal rosary beads,” that I had forgotten was even on the table. The look on his face would best be described as horror. I started to laugh which made him even more horrified, and at the same time, I was trying to tell him, as he continued his aggressive Arabic conversation, “It’s not what you think!” He was shaking his head at me in disgust and pointing at the note, all the while, still speaking in Arabic. I finally just rolled my eyes and walked away and waited until he got done with his aggressive, native language, loud conversation so I could explain myself.
Well, if he didn’t already think I was a freak, once I told him I sold sex toys, he thought he hit the sex-freak jack pot. It didn’t matter that I was a comedian and the post-it was a joke from my dad, which actually sounds a little weird to explain that your dad told you that joke, but still…it’s a joke and it’s funny! He thought I was being disrespectful to religion or something and you all know how seriously I take religion. Religion is one of the best things to make jokes about, not just because it’s stupid, but especially because it makes everyone go berserk.
Needless to say, I didn’t really hit it off with the Arab. We got into an argument over religion and I told him to leave because the way I see it is; you’re entitled to your beliefs, so judge my anal rosary beads. I’ll pray the way I want.
Have a great day!