3rd Annual Death to Hollywood Oscar Giveaway Contest – Day 2

oscrHello readers and Hollywood players!

I see that “Gravity” and “12 Years a Slave” are the front-runners for Best Director according to your comments. I’ll add my 2 cents; I think Alfonso Cuaron will win Best Director for Gravity, but only because it won the Golden Globe. I didn’t see the movie, so I have no idea what the direction is like. I love David O. Russell and Martin Scorcese as directors, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen for them this year. Oh well, on to Best Actress….

1. Who is your Oscar prediction for Best Actress? 

Amy Adams – American Hustle





Cate Blanchett – Blue Jasmine




Sandra Bullock – Gravity




Judi Dench – Philomena





Meryl Streep – August: Osage County




By the way, I will tell you that I saw three of these performances; Amy Adams, Cate Blanchett and Meryl Streep…and I think it’s going to be between Cate Blanchett and Meryl Streep. From the commercials, it looks like Sandra Bullock does a good job of being scared in space, I have no idea about Judi Dench in Philomena,  and Amy Adams was decent enough in American Hustle, but the other two were just outstanding performances.  Meryl Streep is amazing every time and Cate Blanchett is truly great in Blue Jasmine, so we’ll see. I do think they should give Meryl Streep a permanent award of some kind.

2. Amy Adams showed a lot of boob in American Hustle (not nipple, just boob), and boobalthough it had an “R” rating, it wasn’t because of her boobs (it was for language and some violence).  However, showing the areola/nipple combo constitutes an “R” rating.  Why is that?



The Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 3/1. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook. The prize is always a surprise and Hollywood/Oscar related.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons)

2. You have to live in the United States because I don’t ship internationally, sorry.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies or if you get the questions right.

5. No purchase necessary (not that there’s anything to buy… legally I have to say it)


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The 3rd Annual Death to Hollywood Oscar Contest Giveaway!



With the Oscars this coming Sunday, Hollywood is all abuzz with excitement and road blocks! My entire purpose in life for the next week will be trying to avoid Hollywood Boulevard since they are setting up for the show and bringing all of their A-list,  self-absorbed, money-making, inconvenience with them. But let’s face it, this is what Oscar night is all about; receiving awards for being over-paid and pretty. Is it wrong to win an award for that? If so, I don’t want to be right.

If this is your first time participating in the contest, just read the rules and answer the questions below.

Here are the rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 3/1. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook. The prize is always a surprise and Hollywood/Oscar related.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons)

2. You have to live in the United States because I don’t ship internationally, sorry.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies or if you get the questions right.

5. No purchase necessary (not that there’s anything to buy… legally I have to say it)

Is that simple enough for you?


1. Who is your Oscar prediction for Best Director?

American Hustle (David O. Russell)

Gravity (Alfonso Cuarón)

Nebraska (Alexander Payne)

12 Years a Slave (Steve McQueen)

The Wolf of Wall Street (Martin Scorsese)

Have you seen any of these movies? I saw them all but Gravity and Nebraska. Did you like the direction?

2. If you were forced to live in a place like Nebraska, would you do lots of methcrystal meth to keep yourself busy (apparently crystal meth is plentiful in Nebraska)?

Fun Fact: The guy who invented Kool-aid is from Nebraska.

Bonus question:

3. When was the last time you drank Kool-aid? kool

Be sure to comment to enter and have a great Monday!

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I’m Alive!

Hello Readers!!!

Did you think I was dead?  I completely understand if you did since I haven’t written anything since August…and to think I left you with nothing but anal beads and rosaries.

So much has happened since we last had contact. Colorado legalized weed, my sister moved to LA and I bought a wetsuit. For surfing you ask? Ummmm….me on a surfboard would be deadly.  I got one to swim in the icy cold waters of my apartment building pool. Is that weird?  Maybe. Would flippers and goggles be going to far? Anyway, swimming in flipperfreezing cold water is wildly invigorating!  But I did order a little swim hat, which should really complete the “outfit” and when people in the building ask me what’s going on, I will let them know that I am training for the summer Olympics….I mean the senior Olympics. Whatever. Stop judging my swim hat. hat



I also have learned the difference between “self-evolved” and “selfie-volved” ….I’m sure you have too.

Kris and me on the "red carpet" for the Golden Globes

Kris and me on the “red carpet” for the Golden Globes

Anyway, this is just a preparation post for the 3rd annual Death to Hollywood Oscar contest! The show is next Sunday (in case you don’t live in LA where it dominates the news along with the weather when there is any trickle of rain).  I will start the contest on Monday, and I have seen a lot of the movies this year so I’m excited for the show because there are some really good movies/performances this year. And Ellen is hosting, and she’s always fun. At least the host isn’t lame like last year (if you remember).



Okay, well I have to go to a timeshare viewing, so I have to go now.  No, I’m not buying a timeshare but I’m getting a free trip to Vegas because of it, so….

Have a great weekend!!  See you on Monday!

xo 🙂


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Toys and Rosary Beads

Hi Readers!

Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been very busy with work related ambitions. And speaking of those,  I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but a few years ago, for a short time, I sold sex toys to make extra money. Don’t judge. How people get their pleasure is none of my business and if I can contribute to other people’s pleasure, whether it be by selling them candy or selling them a sex toy, then that’s a win-win situation as far as I’m concerned.

Actually, it was fun. I would do home parties, similar to Tupperware parties, but the plastic was in the shape of a penis instead of a container. I sold a lot of different products from anal beadsyour standard type of “toys” to specialty items, like anal beads. Oh yeah, that’s right, anal beads. Did your ears just perk up? Did someone say anal beads? You know you want some!

I’m not really sure why anyone would want anal beads, but hey, who am I to judge how you have your fun?

My parents knew that I sold the toys and also knew that I would sometimes make jokes about it on stage. After I started doing stand-up, sometimes my dad would call me and tell me jokes he thought of and I would try them onstage. His jokes always got laughs. Well, one day he called me to tell me a joke regarding the sex toys and he said, “When it comes to ordering anal beads, the Catholics always go for the anal rosary beads.” Well, I thought that was hilarious, so I wrote it on a post-it as I often write rosarymany of my ideas for jokes or sketches, etc.

So, the other day I was cleaning because the eldest sister gets into town on Wednesday and she will be sure to judge, as we all do each other’s houses when it comes to cleanliness. My mother taught us that. I was going through papers and piles of post-its and found some joke ideas, one of them being a post-it that said, “anal rosary beads.” I immediately thought of an incident where that exact post-it offered a very awkward and yet funny experience.

I was doing stand-up at a place on Hollywood Boulevard and a guy that worked there would always flirt with me, so naturally I flirted back, but didn’t want to go out with him because of his clown hair. He had a nice face but his hair was really curly and cut in such a way that it very much resembled a clown and I couldn’t get past it. So I would just flirt. bozo1Jump to a few months later and he cut off his clown hair!! I was very happy about this. Now he looked great!

By the way, he didn’t know about the sex toys I was selling…yet.

One night I told him he could come over and we were hanging out, talking, having cocktails, etc., and then his phone rang. He said he had to take the call. We were sitting on the couch and he stood up to answer the phone and then sat down at the kitchen table. He was speaking in Arabic by the way. He was from Egypt I think. He wasn’t your typical swarthy Arab though. Does that sound racist?

Anyway, I was sitting on the couch sipping wine, got up to go in the kitchen and as I passed him he grabbed my arm, still speaking Arabic to someone on the phone, and pointed to the post-it on the table that said “anal rosary beads,” that I had forgotten was even on the table. The look on his face would best be described as horror. I started to laugh which made him even more horrified, and at the same time, I was trying to tell him, as he continued his aggressive Arabic conversation, “It’s not what you think!” He was shaking his head at me in disgust and pointing at the note, all the while, still speaking in Arabic. I finally just rolled my eyes and walked away and waited until he got done with his aggressive, native language, loud conversation so I could explain myself.

Well, if he didn’t already think I was a freak, once I told him I sold sex toys, he thought he hit the sex-freak jack pot. It didn’t matter that I was a comedian and the post-it was a joke from my dad, which actually sounds a little weird to explain that your dad told you that joke, but still…it’s a joke and it’s funny! He thought I was being disrespectful to religion or something and you all know how seriously I take religion. Religion is one of the best things to make jokes about, not just because it’s stupid, but especially because it makes everyone go berserk.

I have anal rosary beads

I have anal rosary beads

Needless to say, I didn’t really hit it off with the Arab. We got into an argument over religion and I told him to leave because the way I see it is; you’re entitled to your beliefs, so judge my anal rosary beads. I’ll pray the way I want.

Have a great day!

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We All Have Dreams…

Hi readers!

My sister told me that she had a dream about me the other night. This got me thinking about dreams. As far as I know there are two kinds of dreams; the kind of dreams you have when you’re awake such as, “I’d like to travel the world” or “I hope to buy a house someday” or “I hope they invent a vodka that makes you lose weight”….that’s one of my  dreams any way.

Then, there are the dreams we have when we’re asleep , the kind my sister had. She said we were in the basement of the funeral home and I was wearing a hoodie with colored circles on it and had clown makeup on my face! There was a lot more detail to the dream like her telling my father “Dad, there’s something wrong with Cee.” Uhhhh…we know that already :D. Anyway, I am amazed when people remember details of their dreams because I never remember mine. Maybe three or four times a year I’ll remember part of a dream, which I don’t mind because let’s face it, dreams are bizarre! What the hell is your brain doing when you’re sleeping? Seriously, WTF is going on? How does someone you haven’t seen since kindergarten show up in your dream? And then your brain strings together these weird, sometimes scary, incidents together to make some fucked up story! What the hell is that?

Not a dream Kris!

Not a dream Kris!

My brother told me that he had a dream where his X-girlfriend from high school was working at a counter with one of those umbrella hats on and asked him if he wanted cheese fries. It turns out that earlier that day he had seen two people in a yard wearing those umbrella hats while gardening. Next thing you know, it’s part of a fast food uniform on some crazy broad’s head. Dreams are indeed bizarre!

You want some cheese fries?

You want some cheese fries?

But the REAL problem with people who remember their dreams is how they feel compelled to tell you the whole crazy, seemingly endless story. Now, let me make myself clear. If I’M in your dream, I am more than happy to listen to your story, in fact, that’s really the only way I would ever want to hear about your dream in the first place. Otherwise you’re telling me some stupid story that makes no sense, that didn’t really happen and that holds no interest whatsoever. (The obvious joke here is that Hollywood clearly makes movies from scripts that are written about some stupid dream some writer had). And I can’t believe that people have tried to study dreams in an attempt to figure out what they mean. There is NO WAY we will ever be able to figure out what the hell dreams are all about. Tons of books have been written on dream interpretation and we can really only guess why you were dreaming about falling off a roller coaster and why your fourth grade teacher was the security guard at your 12 year old nephew’s wedding but had really big teeth and a long wig made of spaghetti.  WTF??

Have you ever had a dream and woke up laughing? That’s the best!  It doesn’t happen to me often and of course, I can’t ever remember what was so hilarious but it’s so much fun to wake up like that. I wish I could wake up like that everyday. Instead I wake up to my alarm which is about as much fun as a hangover. And we won’t get into the alarm/hangover combo. That’s when I wish I was dead. But I don’t do the alarm/hangover combo very often anymore. I can’t. My job is too hard…which, by the way, is how I judge the difficulty of any job…whether or not I can do it with a hangover. Now that I think about, I’ve had a lot of easy jobs 😀

So what’s the point to all of this? NONE! I have no point, just like dreams have no point. Dreams are just our brains doing weird shit coming from our subconscious I guess. What do I know? I don’t even remember my dreams for chrissake. Oh wait, yes, I do have a point. Unless I’m in your dreams, I don’t want to hear about them. Your asleep dreams that is. The ones we have when we’re awake are the best dreams. At least some of those make sense. For example, a vodka that makes you lose weight?? That’s a great dream! That makes sense. That’s something we can all get behind. Or a dream you have to do this or that or become something different or achieve a big goal of some sort? Sure, tell me.  I wouldn’t mind hearing that! But don’t bring me your bizarre subconscious bullshit. I’m not interested. I have better things to do than to listen to listen to your weird crap.

Besides, I think the dreams we have when we’re awake are the ones that matter anyway. You know the saying, “Never give up on your dreams.” I believe that wholeheartedly. Unless of course, you’re wearing an umbrella hat in your dream…then give up immediately.

Have a nice day 😀

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Racism and Trash!

Hi readers!

equalBecause of the recent outcome of the Trayvon Martin trial, I’ve decided to post my views on racism in this country. Whenever you bring up race or religion people go berserk, so I thought I’d throw my 2 cents in and see if people get all riled up. As you know, I love that.

First of all, can we all just agree that this is a racist country? To pretend it isn’t is just silly because this country was started with a mentality of “we are superior to you.” When you enslave an entire group of people for 200 years, I think it’s safe to say that it would take many more years than that to repair the damage done to that group of people. And it’s not like once slavery was abolished everyone got along and was happy. Segregation didn’t even end until the 1960’s and we’re trying to tell ourselves that just 50 years later, black people are treated completely fairly and equally? C’MON! Just because we have a half-black president doesn’t mean racism disappeared.

I’ll be the first to judge a negative stereotype of any race I run into, but I put these people into a specific group that I refer to as “trash.”  Every single race in the world has trash in it. These are the people that make society worse because they share characteristics that affect other people in a negative way and they are the reason racism exists because they keep reinforcing the negative stereotype and bring everyone down.

For example the “white” stereotype: A stereotypical white person is motivated by greed, has a sense of superiority towards minorities, and yet ignorant of the life of minorities, has a sense of entitlement, and worst of all, can’t dance. Also, let’s not forget, the trailer-park type of white trash that is really dirty, stupid and likes country music. You can find both these types on plenty of reality TV shows, which is probably why we refer to it as “Trash TV.”white repb

boo boo mom

These are the white people that other races hate. I do too and sadly, I know plenty of these types of people. It’s nothing but fear and ignorance, which is why I judge them as idiots. Educate yourselves for chrissake! Face it, WHITE PEOPLE HAVE IT EASIER IN THIS COUNTRY THAN THE “NON-WHITES.” That’s a fact, deal with it. I know plenty of white people that would argue with that statement, but it’s true! Whether it’s catching a cab, checking in at a hotel or browsing in a store, a white person will always be less suspect than a black person. Shoplifting taught me that.

I’m not going to get into the negative stereotypes of other races, but believe me, I’m aware of them and judge them as harshly as I do the white trash in my own race…that way, I spread my hate out evenly.  Unfortunately, many people of all races paint the whole wall with the same brush, and judge EVERYONE  by the same negative stereotype without considering that maybe not “all of them” are like that. It’s so annoying when people defend their racism by saying “Well, I had numerous bad experiences with the Whites, or the Blacks, or the Mexicans, or the Armenians or whoever, and I just kept coming across the same bad stereotype.” My answer to that is then YOU are the bad stereotype! If you think your negative, little experiences with a small group of a people mean the rest of the group is that way, then you are dumb…and dumb goes into the trash pile. Sorry, you’re part of the problem.

The trash pile in this country is HUGE! Sometimes I think the United States is like one big landfill.  landfill

And racism isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, unfortunately. It’s an ugly part of this country and it stems all the way back to the beginning. I remember watching “Roots” when I was a kid  feeling horrified realizing that that was what really happened to black people. They really don’t teach the truth about slavery in schools, and I don’t care what anyone says, black people have had it harder in this country than any other group.

Racist white people will often say that minorities act like victims, as if white people haven’t victimized every minority in their path. But of course, we’re not all bad, and any minority that hates all white people are doing the same thing that they hate, which makes them dumb too. See how stupid racism is! Jesus!

Yet, I think we also can agree that there are really good people in EVERY race too.  The good people want everyone to be treated fairly and equally, even the trash. If only we could recycle the trash and turn it into something useful like Walmart (instead of just giving them a place to shop).

Sadly, I believe Trayvon Martin was assumed to be a negative stereotype of a young, black man, even though he wasn’t, and I think ultimately that’s why he was so tragically killed. There are so many racially motivated things that happen in this country and it’s because people are stupid, fearful and ignorant. It’s that simple. How can we change that? All  you can do is know what your race’s negative stereotype is and NOT be that.

But unfortunately, I think white people will always struggle with dancing.

This is hard for us!

This is hard for us!

Have a great day and go hug someone from another race. After all, we all have to share this stinkin’ planet!

P.S. Zimmerman is trash!

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lipsHAPPY JULY 4TH READERS!!! It’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything and there are a couple of reasons for that. First, I wasn’t feeling terribly inspired to write about anything, and secondly, a long time friend of mine moved here recently and is forcing me to have a social life again. So I’m not just sitting around anymore thinking of what to write for you. I’m out drinking, mixing it up, partying…you know, choppin’ it up with the honeys!

But I also decided to write today because July 4th or Independence Day, as some like to call it, is one of my favorite holidays. Why? Because first of all, it’s not religious so you’re not likely to offend anyone or have to go to church. Not that going to church has been on my agenda in the last 25 years, but a lot of these stinkin’ holidays involve God or the “baby Jesus” or adult Jesus or whatever. And there’s no pressure to buy presents for anyone, there’s no pressure on what to wear, such as a costume. There’s nothing to feel guilty about like the American Indians, etc. It’s just a nice holiday where people drink and have bbq’s and we just celebrate getting our independence from those snotty Brits and going on to become the most powerful, arrogant, imperialistic country in the world!       AMERICA

But no matter how arrogant, ignorant, racist, homophobic, or sexist this country is, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else in the world. It’s a great country, and we have the immigrants to prove it. Am I right? Why would all those people want to come here and not bother to learn the language unless it was really great? You don’t see a bunch of Americans running off to live in…you know…other places! We stay here for so many reasons…such as:

1. Las Vegas (because you can drink on the street, prostitution is legal, and you can throw money away and consider it fun)

2. New York (because it’s better than every other city in the world)

3. Los Angeles (because Americans love to be entertained)

4. Philadelphia (because that’s where the history is)

5. Because we are able to consume things in our food that are banned in other countries

6. Because we have enough crazy people to fill up hundreds of reality TV shows and they’re all willing to make fools of themselves while we watch!

7. Because we have enough  money to pay athletes and mediocre entertainers millions and millions of undeserving dollars.

8. Because we have CHRISTIAN MINGLE .COM where you can find God’s match for you…..LOL!!!

9. BECAUSE WE HAVE THE MOST FOOD!!! (albeit chemically engineered and processed)

10.  Because we have a black president! Holla!

And those are just some of the reasons why we love America!

july 4

HAVE A HAPPY AND SAVE FOURTH OF JULY!!! (that’s me on the left in case you couldn’t tell)



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Jesus Wouldn’t Like Reality TV


I’m sitting here looking at the blank page wondering what to write about and nothing is coming to mind. Not a funeral story, not a Hollywood story, not even a funny anecdote about some moron celebrity. And yet, I feel a pressure to write because I know I have “followers,” which means you, readers.

Then I start thinking about how Jesus had followers, but not the internet, so he had a very small following (12 wasn’t it?). But as we know, his following became huge as the years went on and he’s still got plenty of them, even after all these years. I think his popularity exploded once  people started hearing about how he changed water into wine. With that ability, Jesus didn’t need to make a sex tape!


Now my dilemma is should I write about Jesus or making sex tapes?

Sex tapes. But here’s why. Because it makes me absolutely sick that the media and the entertainment business are rewarding slutty and stupid behavior. It chaps my ass raw that  so many talented people I know struggle financially and yet, Kim Kardashian, who is kimfamous because of a sex tape among other stupid decisions, is getting ready to make millions from having a bastard child! (Nothing against unwed couples, I just wanted to call her baby a bastard).  And some dumb teenager who had reality show about being pregnant at 16 just sold her sex tape for a million dollars and is now getting a new TV show where she will make even more money. You need absolutely no talent anymore to be on TV and make a shit ton of money, just ask Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who was on that show Survivor and now she’s getting paid plenty to contribute her stupid, conservative, religious crap on imagesThe View.  Do you see how wrong it is? Although The View is wrong no matter who’s on it.

The real problem isn’t Jesus though or even Elizabeth Hasselbeck, even though I do consider her a societal problem, it’s that reality TV has taken over, and a majority of it is shit, and Jesus wouldn’t like reality TV….except for maybe “America’s Got Talent” because we all know Jesus likes America better than all the other countries. But aside from that, it has put real writers and actors out of work while Honey Boo Boo is making $20,000 an episode.  The mother on that show has dirt in the fat creases in her neck! You would think someone making $20,000 per episode might put some soap on the shopping list.

bo boo

20,000 could buy a lot of soap! and a lot of corndogs…

Keeping Up With the Kardashians, The Real Houswives of Beverly Hills, Orange County, Atlanta, New Jersey, Miami, The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, The Bachelor (which you know I’m guilty of but can’t resist the crying girls), The Bachelorette, The Hills….and the list goes on and on. But the point I’m making is that Jesus wouldn’t like this. He would not want dumb sluts (male or female) financially rewarded. He never said that in the Bible, but I just know that. I don’t  think Jesus had anything against sluts, after all, he was friendly with Mary Magdalene, the rumored repentant prostitute, but he wouldn’t like reality TV stars because they are partly what’s wrong with society and I think we can all agree that the TV executives will be going straight to hell for this.

But…America keeps watching it, all of it!  So who’s fault is it? We have to blame someone! Is it the TV executives playing on the willing-to-swallow-anything society, or is it our dumbed-down society saying “give us more idiots to watch so we can feel about our lives”? And what’s worse, is that it’s here to stay. It’s inexpensive to make and the profits are through the roof without having to pay actors or writers, so sadly, it’s not going away.

But I do think if Jesus walking around today, he would probably say “Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do…..no seriously, they really don’t. Just look at THEM!” Yes, that’s what he would say!

Have a nice day!

P.S. I had nothing to write about and the next thing I know, I’m ranting about rich, fat people with dirt in their neck…and Jesus! I hope people don’t start to think I’m religious 😀

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Happy Memorial Day!!

soldier cememteryHi Readers!

I hope you’re having fun at a barbecue, grilling and drinking or sitting by a pool which is most likely where I’ll be later. It’s funny how we celebrate those who have served and died for the country by having barbecues and drinking. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining and I’m thrilled to have the day off from work, so if that’s not something to thank all the dead soldiers for, I don’t know what is.

I also want to say that I really have a lot of admiration for anyone who signs up for the military. I’ve always had a soft spot for military men, I don’t know if it’s the uniforms or the heroic nature of what they do, but I used to show my appreciation for them a lot when I was younger by making out with every one of them that I could find. When I was 22 and living in St. Thomas for a little while, an aircraft carrier with about 700 Navy guys docked off shore and all the sailors came on to the island. I guess I don’t have to tell you how appreciative I was and I let them know it.soldier kiss

It’s how I show my patriotism. Some people wave flags, I make out with soldiers. Is that a problem?

I’m also fascinated by women who join the military, mostly because they don’t have hair and makeup priorities, but also because they are willing to go through boot camp, and there’s just no way I can even imagine putting myself through that by choice. Someone yelling at me, bossing me and waking me up at ridiculous hours out of a dead sleep to go exercise is bullshit, and quite frankly, I have a feeling I’d go A.W.O.L faster than you can say “gays in the military.”

memorial flagBut considering that this is Memorial Day, some of the memories I have are those of military funerals. I remember helping my Dad fold the American flags that would be put in the corner of the tops of the caskets during the service to remind everyone that they had served in the military. And some of the most touching but sad moments were at the cemetery, when my dad would present the American flag to the family or the widow of the soldier who had served. Someone who believes in their country enough to go to battle for it and be willing to die for it is pretty remarkable in my opinion, and I am very thankful for all of the men and women who have made the choice to defend our country if necessary, especially those who have died doing it.

However, for me, I can’t think of a better way to show my patriotism and gratitude for all they’ve done, than to eat, drink, and make out with military men.  But unfortunately, there are no soldiers walking around the streets like there are in other countries or I would be really busy today.

I'd REALLY like to show some "appreciation" to the Navy Seals!!

I’d REALLY like to show a lot of “appreciation” to the Navy Seals!!

Be sure to thank any military people you know for all that they do, and if you want to put your tongue in their mouth as an act of gratitude, I am behind you 100%. Have a fun and safe Memorial Day!

Posted in death, family, funeral home, funerals, Hollywood, weird | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

The Big Move and the Stones….

Hi Readers!

I’m back.  I’m in my new apartment in Hollywood (where I belong) and happy to be out of the Valley. Let’s face it, the Valley is too hot and is filled with a lot of undesirables, and by undesirables I mean almost everyone. But moving? Wow! Is there anything worse than moving, except maybe diarrhea? I don’t think so.

dick head

Hi, I’m a landlord…

I had to move out of my old apartment because I couldn’t take my dick head landlords anymore. I think they were trying to get rid of me so that they could raise the rent, and it worked. They actually tried to charge me for fixing my garbage disposal!  Can you believe that? They obviously don’t know that I am really diligent when it comes to finding out if I can get screwed by someone legally or not, so I am prepared for battle if they try anything dirty (and I think they will because they’re dirty dick heads).

But here’s the good news; I have a much better place in a much better neighborhood and I have a pool now! And in case you didn’t know…I love to swim, so the pool is just icing on an already delicious cake, and I love cake. The manager of the new building is a cranky, little, old man who looks like he might die any day, so I gave him some Celestial Treats because what’s better when you’re dying, than candy?

By the way, the Rolling Stones played again last night at the Staples Center, and if I could have gone again, I would have! Do I even have to tell you how great they were? No, I don’t think I do because if you have a pulse than you probably know that they are not only the best band in the world, but put on a show like no one else. They played hit after hit after hit and Mick Jagger is an unbelievable entertainer, but not to be outdone by Keith Richards (my favorite), Charlie Watts, Ron Wood…and the rest of their incredible band and background singers. The show was amazing, other than when Gwen Stefani showed up to ruin Wild Horses. She sang out of tune and didn’t seem to know the lyrics that well. I wasn’t happy about it, in fact, I had one of those high school, mean girl moments where I turned to my sister and said, “What the hell is she doing here?” Then Mick Taylor, the guitar player who Ron Wood replaced, came on stage for Midnight Rambler. Excellent! If you have a chance to see them on this tour, DO IT!!


Back to moving…I bought a coffee table from Target and when I took it out of the box I realized how hard it would be to put it together, so I’m returning it. I can’t be bothered with reading directions and handling screwdrivers. What is with all this assembling bullshit? Christ! NOTHING should be sold without being already assembled. What do they think we are, fucking carpenters? 😀

I don't f-ing think so..


Not to mention all the wires with electronics. Hooking up devices to other devices makes me want to kill myself, but I never end up killing myself, I hook up the wires, curse and drink and eventually figure it out. In the near future I want all of my devices to be wireless with just an “on” button. No more hooking up wires. NO MORE WIRES EVER!!

I hope you all got the Mommie Dearest reference, and if not, then promptly beat yourself with a wire hanger.

This is me hooking up wires....

This is me hooking up wires….

I hope all of you are having a splendid day thus far. You know, Americans don’t use the word “splendid” very often but the Brits seem to like it. You know why we don’t say it? Because it sounds weird coming out of an American’s mouth….unless you’re an old lady. Try to use this word once today and see if you get a weird reaction.

I dare you to tell someone to “have a splendid day”…. go ahead, do it!


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